I am not who I am on the inside.
Thunder clouds and rain storms
contain me on the outside,
my raging vagus nerve is about to twitch
Do you see me anymore?

I'm sitting in a place
where my anxiety and depression
become balled up in a knot
and my own self-gratification dominates
the world around me.

I am right in front of you,
Can you help me?
My darkened shadow cast nightmares behind me
as if
as if nothing else matters at all.

Where am I to go?
Blinded in this sea of madness,
Sealed deep within
my unconscious mind.
I float helplessly
in an ocean of tragic dreams

I am not who I am on the inside,
sifting through these
empty tired days,
I have grown tired,
mentally strained,
physically drained
because I am the one to blame.

You left but I was not ready.
I try to be there but I was not steady.
I failed you.

The words I saw the other day on the bathroom stall read
"Glorified Prison"

MMMM, Cognitively thinking
to myself.
"This is my life"

In an instant flashback of
bent memories,
I thought about
the year
when
it all happened.
My heart started beating rapidly,
my brain collapsing,
My body drenched in sweat.
I was drowning.
Drowning inside a mental pool
and there was no life ring to save me.

I just stood there,
Mummified to the moment.
My eyes were glazed over as if I had glaucoma trying to stare
through a thick London fog.
Everything was disappearing
in front of me.
I saw it though, in my distant memory,
quickly flashing in front of me, like a shooting star across the sky,
then it was gone.

Gone to a place that I never recognized before.
A place that was out of some sort of bad dream.
That place. That brick house. Pitch black outside.
That kind of bad dream, "the worst kind of nightmare
that you can ever imagine"
and I couldn't wake up from it.
Make it go away!!
Please, Make it go Away!!
I am begging you.
STOP IT!!

His hands suffocating me,
but I could barely feel them
or hardly breathe, none the less.
Breathless in this moment.
I became to numb to my surroundings.
Trapped in my own seclusion
and by my own misdirection.
I was left wondering.

I had no idea what was going on.
Lost inside myself,
with unknown fear,
trapped inside that brick house
of malicious trepidation
and insidious manipulation.
I was being sexually violated
and I didn't know why
nor could I control it.

I was in a poisoned induced
coma of fear.
My mind was twisted
beyond reproach
as he continued his sadistic
and cruel usage of my body.
I was longer a human being,
I was just object for his enjoyment.

Escaping the insanity, I ran!!
Finally free or so I thought.
This mental torture has burdened
me for so long and has taken me down many diluted paths
of mistrust, misguidance
and internal, penalized
grief.
I am became lost unto myself.

I have grown to live inside
this Glorified Prison,
with no release date in site.
The torture that I was subjected to,
will never leave me.
So this prison has become solace.
It has also become my hell.
It is where I put on my shoes
and walk without fear but
it is also where I run away
from things.

Many times I begin to tremble when I think of
that nightmare.
It has become a seeded part of me.
It is who I am.
I am a survivor though.
One day I hope to be released
beyond the walls of this
glorified prison,
so I can finally be free.