baby,
your hip bones aren't supposed to be sticking out
your ribs aren't supposed to either
they pump you full of pictures
of skeleton girls in cute bikinis
and weight loss tips
and though you always think "don't let it get to you, they're wrong"
it gets in your head.
because all the boys commenting on the photos say they'd totally ride her
long and hard
and all the comments on the girl who's slightly overweight
involves comparisons to cows
and you're so soaked in social media
that you can't help but see it
and all the girls commenting on how that's all they
want

but if all you want from life is to be "slightly sick"
to eat things and then puke them up
or not eat at all
you will never be satisfied
because you are feeding a hunger that does not go away
you lose the ability to judge how skinny
is too skinny
how pretty
is too pretty
after all, they are
the same
thing...

baby,
stop looking at those pictures.
stop reading those comments.
stop letting a pornographic generation of boys
tell you that ****** appeal is all you're worth.
start saying to yourself
i am not on the same level as a pornstar
because that is unrealistic
because **** is make believe
with plastic barbie dolls
to set the scene....
baby,
pretty isn't skinny
like pretty isn't fat
WE KNOW WHAT PRETTY REALLY IS

....we just ignore that fact.

It was supposed to be fun.

New school, new supplies,
Thin, neon highlighters glowing inside
Vera Bradley backpacks.

Skinny folders assigned to
Pointless subjects,
Which would be fattened
With pointless homework
By the end of the day.

It was supposed to be fun,
And for a little while, I forgot.

I forgot until History.

The new teacher hadn't lived here
Longer than a week,
Which was why he was
Excited
About teaching.

He had on a brand new tie
From Banana Republic
Which was obviously tied
By his wide eyed fiance.

His classroom was bare, as he explained,
"Don't worry,
I ordered posters yesterday."

The teacher wasn't the problem.

The problem was,
Between Richardson
And Roberts,
He still existed.

At least in the school system he did.

"Ashley Paulette?"
"-Here."
"Abby Richardson?"
"-Here."
"Bennett Rill?"

And my life shattered all over again.

The silence felt
Deafening.

Remembering how he wouldn't be there.
Not ever.

"Bennett Rill?"

The teacher was confused, looking around the room
For someone
Who was buried six feet under.
Someone who the teacher might've thought
Was sick, or vacationing.

It was supposed to be fun.
But then I remembered

Fat fat but nobody knows
Fat fat it doesn't really show
Fat fat like nobody cares
Fat fat baggy clothes she wears
Fat fat but she's always cold
Fat fat her excuses are old
Fat fat she starts to cry
Fat fat her monstrous thighs
Fat fat say something nice
Fat fat give some advice
Fat fat just be kind
Fat fat change her mind
Fat fat?

I looked at him,
And he was so beautiful.
The way his eyes told me a story
The way his eyes told me the truth.

I looked at her,
And she was so beautiful.
The way her hair flicks of her shoulders,
The way her hair hid half of her insecure face.

As I looked at him,
I knew I needed him.
Everyday,
Every night.

As I looked at her,
I knew I wanted to be with her.
Everyday,
Every night.

I don't know what he thinks of me,
Or even what I think of myself.

I don't know what she thinks of me,
Or even what I think of myself.

All I do know is,
I love how he makes me feel.
Effortless,
Graceful.

All I do know is,
I love how she makes me feel.
Reckless,
Hopeful.

But yet,
I am always sad
I am not with him,
And probably never will be.

But yet,
I am sometimes sad,
We are not together,
And probably never will be.

I was in love with anatomy
the symmetry of my body
poised for flight,
the heights it would take
over parents, lovers, a keen
riding over truth and detail.
I thought growing up would be
this rising from everything
old and earthly,
not these faltering steps out the door
every day, then back again.

i no longer look both ways before crossing the street
i have decided to let Chance
have his way with me.
i've stopped stopping at stop signs
and watching my step on steep inclines

but Chance is a petty *******
and pays no respect to Intentions
be they good, bad, or
mediocre

i'm sure Chance wants me dead
him and all his friends
are tired of me
but he only wants his way
on his own terms.

it has been discovered
by yours truly
that no matter how bad your thighs look when you sit down in ***** shorts
it's ******* worth it
you don't need to sit down anyway
you're a girl.
they'll take you standing up
or anywhere else
they can get you
just wear those ***** shorts,
baby
they say