I am in a rut
an awful rut that I don’t know how to get out of
I find myself reaching for different things to bring me comfort
I’m not even for sure what I need
what I’m searching for
It’s like I have gone numb
It’s like I’m stuck in this current emotion and can’t get out
I’m bored yet content but sad yet feeling okay
I have felt on the verge of tears for the past few days and I don’t know why
I don’t know what my body is waiting for
It’s like I’m waiting for something to break me

ALL THE WAY FROM 1967

I can still hear myself
crying

all the way from 1967
when I was 9.

The crying has never stopped
echoing through all the ages

I've ever been.

You: had died and
I had asked

God to give you
back.

When that didn't work.
I asked for a swap.

I tried to put it as simply as I
could

so that even a God
could understand.

"Take me - instead..."
I said to God

as if talking to some foreigner
in a too loud voice

as if that would....
"..put her back!"

He didn't.

I had the feeling that
He couldn't.

"Some God you are!"
I howled in disbelief.

I went out in the Curragh Plains
and wept.

And wept.

So that only a few hundred sheep
and some scattered clouds

could hear.

The clouds were only here
for the day.

The sheep lived only
for the moment.

Almost 5,000 acres
could not contain my grief.

The Curragh blazed yellow
with furze.

The world was as beautiful as
it could ever be.

But not for me.

I keep trying to go back
to the me of then

take him in my arms
give him the comfort I

never had
but like God

...I can't.

I can still hear his forever
crying

this 9 year old boy
who I always am

crying all the way
from 1967.

Trapped in the Coffee Shop of Lingering Death

He knows everything about every war
Because although he never went to one
He had good friends who did, and they told him
All about it, and about Patton, so there

He knows all about Jesus, and, like, stuff
The Templar tunnels beneath the Pentagon
The Seal of Solomon found on Oak Island
And Mexico’s lost Tribe of Israel, so there

Which can lead the unsaved to tell a lie:
“Oh, gosh, I have to rush, I forgot about…”

So there.