Three decades
Lost in this maze
Of dirt road
Clay and grated soil
Underneath
Grandpa's Oaks
Branches hang over us
Like the arms of Ghosts
The unknown parts in between
The cities and towns
With names not large enough to
Fit on maps
Another microcosm
Of sociological problems
The constant chaos of
Lives crashing into each other
At speeds history
Has never
Seen

We are to dance in poverty
We could have more
But to be poor
Your self worth is not grounded in their perspectives
Soul ****** into a cell phone
Cannot
Cannot call home
Lost in our digital new millennium
Growing old too quick
We try to clone those moments
Spread our systems
Destructive tradions
Reluctant unknowing
Now growing resistance
Spot of DNA is all we need
To bring
Ingredients ill conceived
Lyrics that we bleed
Smoke we'd rather breath
Than this cancerous disease
Falsified democracy
On the brink of
The extinction
The end sequence
Leaving fossils for the future to find
All in good time
All in
Good time

You couldn't blame me
if you
Could see her
Take everything I own
Set it ablaze
Taking for granted the very Foundation
Of the structure
Of my life,
Why?
Because her face
Is beyond the will of any god to change.
Her mouth conveys
The mind of an unknown Goddess
Beyond reach
Beyond reason
Beyond the repercussions of such
treason.
Beyond.
Her hands electromagnetic
Body beyond ecstasy
Overdose on her  
So called flaws
And imperfect complexity
Out of reach
Fires would have to be set
Lives ruined
Chains people depend on
Broken at their feet
It's not fair
For anyone
But her hands are electromagnetic
Her voice
Hypnotic
Her smile
Unbearable
Raw
     Excruciating
Attraction
Life altering
Magic
      In her
      Gaze
I awaken everyday
Unphased by the obstacles
Life has placed between us
This is unhealthy
      I know
But there is
Something I can't explain
Just underneath
The subtlety of her
Words.
Something beyond me

Not composed
And no composure
No more love for
Or sense of closure
Wont bring you roses
I attract these vultures
When one door closes
My window opens
Releases the smoke in
To the breeze
A calming motion
I shun emotions
You evoke them
Im done and hopeless
Too much of your
Hopeless potion
Has me chokin
I let go then
You just keep throwin
All the flaws you notice
Walls keep closin
Eyelids refuse to close and
Pupils remain focused
Penetrated my dialated
Heart is still broken
Your ego needed strokin
So i fed you my soul
You devoured what was left of me
to empower your shallow self esteem
So wasted the time
Forgotten moments

Sometimes the heart is just wrong
Dead wrong
Listen to something else

I watch all of the                    
Doubt
Anger
Jealousy
Fear
Longing
Swirl together
In bright neon colored waste
Spinning
Counter clockwise
Down the drain
I wash my hands
And exit the room
Breathing is getting
A little easier now
But what of tomorrow?
I wonder  selfishly
Follow the plan
Detach
Observe
Extract
That which I can
Extract
again

It's the burden in my brown eyes.          
Gives me away
I've developed this act for you
Everyday formulating idiosyncrasies
Cool,  calm,  classy and clever
That's what turns you on
Yet,  my brown eyes give me away
I exude a quite confidence
Never letting you see the cracks
And when you pull away
I pull away farther
You hate that and I love that it always draws you back in
Every now and then though
You catch me in a gaze
I forget everything
The game stops
And there's a silent revelation
My brown eyes give me away

Learning to breathe
Release my grip
Let go
I tell myself
To know
Is to free myself
Of any illusions
Of control
There is no right way
To despair
A muse to amuse my ego
How I used you
Because you were
There
but I,
I let go

Youre unavoidable
Trust me
Ive tried
For so long
I never was a believer
I swear I was a nihilist
All the way through my bones
But that all changed
The day I met you
I pass the time
Trying to slow down my heartbeat
learning to breathe
Calming that rhythm
Clearing the subconscious
easing into the quiet serenity
Of this darkened moment
Becoming comfortable with
The shadows that surround me

The occasion called for goodbye
The anticipated day of their imminent separation
Penciled in thoughts that she could not say
A folded up love letter
Demanded closure
A slight of hand
Last time
An uncertain wave
A sip of bitter realization
From the lips of yesterday
She saw through his smile
Deep into the hollow shell
The former home of creation
To the shallow eyes of submission
Clawing through layers of freshly painted on make up
The kind of mask that won't come off

Ritual cycle
Eat,  sleep and repeat
Fight,  sweat, beg and bleed
Cordless and bored
Can't afford a more important course
Tour the tunnels
Force the worm to sacrifice itself
Sleep away the overwhelming since that this is all there is
Ego is greedy and never satisfied
The destroyer, must avoid her
Try not to stare into her eyes
Fall in slow motion into a comfortably numb existence
The silence of revelation
The deadend of procrastination
The hollow beat of hearts encased captivity

We've armed God to the teeth
Ready to **** indiscreetly
Through his
Favorite little sheep
We rabble babble on
Never forget
The power of
The tower
The Babylon of freedom's
Worthless lie
The ignorant that curse
This land
The first to fight
The last to think
This worldwide
Disease of thoughtless homicide
No peace
        No not on your TV
No
Not on your flat screen
HD **** machines
I scroll habitually
Programmed emotionally
Can't stop reacting
Stroking that enormous
Ego
Blood flows wherever we go
Spreading that capital
Anywhere habitable
Masters of our own destruction
Racing to the end without reluctance

Tear away my skin from you
Was a habitual dilemma
Sell your skin as canvas
Still and bleeding ink with *******
I can't find the drugs
Dear rugged dangerous angel
Where do you find your purpose
Fear the hammer
Sudden thud
Reality
Ashes,  dust and mud
Clean your wings
Those pretty painted things
So you may fly
Without resistance

I come down hard like a landmark targeted heart
A falling star destined to scar and then fall apart in your arms
All eyes on the body language
Words get lost in between the moments our pupils cross and become locked and dilated
This sweet fascination may be two dangerous relationships lay wasting at the feet of fate's ultimate destination
A life lived uninspired
You are no muse
Merely to amuse this ego
Eyes like green fire
A sacrifice to use as you desire
What will become of us
When we learn to trust
Lust in a small town
As we await the fallout?
Naked ring finger screaming unavoidable obstacles
Pain is probable
Alternative timeline in real time
To believe the impossible
You adjust what we must to contain this attraction
Single out distractions
Interference and static

I found myself lost on a familiar street full of merchants peddling corporate goods.  Many of the people seemed injured,  possibly handicapped from birth. Finally a familiar face appeared in the crowd. "Carl" I said, "What day is it?" "Monday or Tuesday" he replied Looking exhausted like a soldier fresh from battle. "Well, what time is it, where am I?" I questioned further.  "The city of Charlotte, at The End of California." He replied.  "The year 2416." My next question escaped my lips with a sudden desperation. "Where is Serena? I have to find her!" "She stays over by the TV station." He replied.  "Where is that?" I asked.  "I don't know man,  I don't know." He vanished into the crowd.  
         I must have stumbled into a vortex,  a wormhole into an alternate reality.  
        I had a destination at least.  And as I began to question this reality,  I awakened from my dream,  wondering if I would ever find her.

Another night of liquor
A bottle gone to my despair
of drowning out the thoughts with music
That **** the silent air
She knows somethings wrong
She knows im weak in spirit
She hears it in the songs
She reads it in the lyric
Another day of duty done
The bills are paid in vain
My brother says just carry on
So i carry on again
I write another drunken prose
With words so simple i compose
A verse, a curse, a wishful spell
To break the monotony of this hell
Nothing special
Just a mess ive made
Another song
For another day

My English Professor says that I am not that good of a writer. I should have known by all the garbage I lugged around with me. Espousing it here and there. Trying to lighten the load. It's better to accept it I suppose. Not everything can be good. It'***** and miss. If I throw enough **** at the wall some of it is bound to stick. He said, "You can only be as good as the stuff you read." Maybe I should read more good ****. Any suggestions? I like to read Bukowski. He says Bukowski is trash. I really don't care what he thinks. I'll be happy with a C. And hopefully, a degree one day. He reads The New York Times and rambles on about politics. I read trash and I don't talk very much. I'm too busy thinking about liquor and women. Usually one at a time or one in particular. I work, go to school and come home to play mediocre superdad or distant husband. I wonder if I'll get that degree. I wonder if I even really care anymore. And if not, then why? Maybe there is some fateful reason for all this. That's what people like to say, "Everything happens for a reason." It sure feels good to think like that. Seems that way.

You either jump
Or you find yourself one day
Wiping the bitter
Regret from your wrinkled
Lifeless face
Still wondering
If she would
Have been
Waiting there
With the rest of her life
Stuffed in a suitcase
Waiting to take your hand
To where ever your entangled
Fates would lead

In this silent daze
Hypnotized by life's repetitious ways
Fallen into this helpless pattern
I'm the addict
I'm the disaster
I'm the habit
It is my master
I fastened to my skin
Empty visions of distraction
To help keep me from slipping in
To the same painful routine
Night's sleepless
Days without dreams

You use your words
To break me
And you don't care
And that's okay
I'll never ever listen
To another worthless
Word you say
I'll smile through the pain
Never ever
Let you in again
You used me
Just to feed your ego
Foolish pride
I'll never let you see through
These shitstained eyes
You've got everything
And all I got were lies
So I bid you farewell
And don't you worry girl
I'll never tell

I shredded my notebooks
Or burned them
I wrapped the past
In plastic
For your protection
It's better to keep such things
Inside
You were right about
What I write about
Too real
Too hard to read
Or to ugly to see
To think about
Those words
Crawled out of place
From my mind
To my hand
To your face
I have no meadows
Or gardens to show you
In here it's never Autumn
The lights are all out
The nights are attacked with regret
Sleep is my escape

I never felt comfortable
A stranger
Born at the wrong time
In the wrong place
An identity
Anonymous in the chaos
of my thoughts
I found a knife
And I found this rock
And then I began to cut off
All the ugly parts
that I didn't like
And there was little left
when I was done

She hides
Underneath
The blackness
Of the spaces in between
Galaxies
I await her
On hopeless knees
Whispered forgotten truths
Escape the prison of my doubt
Shackled to these memories of you
I cannot disavow
There's no time for a crime
Like this tonight
I drive
In no direction
Ignoring your reflection
In the rear view mirror
And I ponder lonely
As I drive away this
Fading daylight
Who am I to say
You're worthy of
Such affairs
I'm going nowhere
Staying there
Shouldn't leave you melting
No confession
No crime
We are posessions
We are destined
To rot in time
A plot
Unresponsive
A godless life
I stopped and called you and lied
It's just that easy
For emotions to die

I wake up slow
Clenched jaw
Face muscles don't respond
When I tell them to smile
What will I do when this goes wrong
What will I say
When they realize
I don't belong

Born Words
The white skin of this
Newly acquired messenger
Fresh and waiting for the ink
Of my needle
Vibrates on subatomic level
As I tattoo new verses
I ache like the old man
Collection of heartbreak
Inviting beaten bones
Along this singular path
Of dissolution
I'm awaited
Crowded
Needed and exposed
A quite life
Where the sounds in my head
Are becoming harder, louder
By each syllable of thought
I struggle to deprogram
It must be done to grow
To live
To breathe air that doesn't burn
To hear clearly that voice
That is not
Unlike my own

Another Monday has arrived with teeth exposed
Ready to consume
Hungry for dreams
For hope
For whatever has kept me going this long
Maybe nothing more than
That human need to survive
To feed my future
With every scrap I've managed to rip away from our oppressors
With hands of treachery outstretched
A smile only fools could trust
Spine straight and head forward
I'll never show them weakness

I couldn't memorize the scriptures
Words get caught in between my mind and my mouth
I murmur worthless phrases
When my blood feels like static
Underneath my skin
Seventeen Sundays and you come to visit me
It's always been too hot here for you
But I've always felt safe next to the fire
A wave of silence between us
Always comes crashing in
Drowning everything that could have been

The fever seems to be fading
There's a new calmness
soon to set in
I shot my self out into the chaos
ricocheting between possibilities
wormholes in this universe
of uncertainty
I didn't find you there
In radiant light
I merely caught a glimpse of you
as you ran away

All I've been wittled down to
is your survival tool

I can't help you. You know by watching me or at least from your passive glances that I'm having quite the time keeping my own head above water.
I can listen. I can empathize.
I hope that is enough.
She must have been something special.
When everyones feet are red and eyes are starred
When she is in the ground.
When everyone is lying awake at night
       hurting.
     I can imagine
  The pain.
I can shed tears for this stranger little soul
Whose path I've crossed in this life.
Why does death bring us all closer if only for a moment?
And life
        Drags us farther every day into the grip of the unavoidable end

Your words put my mind through this vortex
A fool indeed

The unexpected ones seem to care more when you're suffering
When you're like sunlight the others drown themselves in your presence
When your eyes become dull and broken
There's not so many flowers in the field

What year is this?
The propaganda fills the brainless heads of poor human hate zombies
Their hate fueled on by meaningless
memes of reality contradicting
What year is this?
I am called white guilt
Terror sympathy
I am to blame
According to the populace
I only write fact
I save opinion for the ears of those closest
Cognitive dissonance
Behind the twitches and jerks
I shut them out
They have a voice
An orange face of greed
Of ignorance
A demagogue
To be defeated

Awaken with a song playing in my mind
"you're the reason I'm still holding on"
Shaking off the blurry interference of absurd dreams
"With the vampires, baby
We belong"
The consuming smiles of loved ones
capture me in memories
"you're the reason Im still up at dawn"

You were that green blanket.
I slept with on the couch.
We were poor and I didn't care.
It was the only life I knew.
Coffee mug through Television glass.
I still carry pieces of shattered aftermath.
I was the baby. Youngest of four.
My brother the keeper kept my eyes
fixed on the door. A broomstick to the window and out into the storm.
We were runaways
On rainy days
We'd find our place
Our escape
           From the storm
From our broken handlers
Bullet hole filled soul
Of our father
            Taught that life was anger
And comedy
And pain
And sadness
             Blindfolded battles of epic
Telekinetic brotherhood
             Black eye light bulbs
Putting our heads underneath the pillow
So we don't have to hear anything
Pretending to be asleep
            Watching wrestling
Like it was the only thing that mattered.
            Going to church with grampa
And gramma
        Her hand would shake back then
But she would always smile

Wasted tick tocks
Automatic hands
Praying for the white noise
Whispers to block the constant
Reminder
I must be still
And still awake
I burned the ticket
I learned my place
I used to court angels
Now I just wait
I am still
Hypnotized
By the rhythm
Those robotic hands
Automatic set
Seconds of selective regrets
Conscious continuum
Subliminal reset needed

If you want to spoil me,
Spoil me with loyalty
I've stitched my heart too many times
I won't pretend
I won't lie
I want to spend
The rest of this life
In our forever box
But I know people change
And expectation leads to dissapointment
So I will harden my armor
Just in case

That feeling
That hopeless, neurotic sleep-depriving feeling,
That sick starving
That destructive hunger
For that which I cannot have,
For that Angel
The dark-winged one from my dreams,
You'd know
  If you had merely a glimpse of her gaze or
   You might
  be lucky enough
To hear an echo of her
Voice
She's the dangerous one,
  She's the humbling muse for
Which I kneel to the cross of
Her sacrifice

Last night i lived
I found my heart racing
Lost in the city
I peered deep into the darkness
Possibilities endless
Ceasing only when my own fear conveyed itself
But I kept going
And I found myself
In a theatre
Searching for you
And when I finally found you
I lost all words

I wake up every morning and wonder how long I am going to continue to do this.
Am I a lifer?
My how how that term misrepresents the overwhelming dread I feel when I open my eyes and tell myself 'Just one more day.'

I cannot stop
Every morning
You're the first thought
Today I almost
Was able
To gain some sort of control
But then you said
Hello
Every day
I'm like a mouse in a maze
Searching for a way
Past these walls
I almost gained
Some sense of reason
I almost conceded my defeat
And then you said
Hello
Hope your day is well
But it's honestly hellish
Soon as I have some hope
You go out of your way to make me jealous
I understand the circumstances
Yet I've offered to sacrifice my life
Just for a chance with
Or an opportunity to explore
But you always shut that door
As soon as I turn the ****
And rob us both of something more
But I don't know how to quit
Your my last thought at night
And this is starting to make me sick
But I don't know how to stop
Quiet my conscience
In the first morning moments
Awaiting those eyes
To pull me out of focus
Displaying your lies
For the whole world to notice
Honesty resides in your mind
But you hide it
If you're waiting for me to
Break free
Without a commitment from you
Then that's an uneven bargain
But I'm willing for you
Yet you say you're still confused
And that should tell me all that I need to know
yet you recapture me in this rapture
And all you had to say was
Hello

I thought I might have been dying
And then some good news
I'm not
Now if I can only figure out
How to live
I'm a factory worker
Yeah
I should have listened
To my sister
A dropout
Keeping droplets
Disgraced in a jar
Can't replace all these scars
So they're on display
Disguised as an art