I wake up every morning and wonder how long I am going to continue to do this.
Am I a lifer?
My how how that term misrepresents the overwhelming dread I feel when I open my eyes and tell myself 'Just one more day.'

I had made some special plans for us.
I even went ahead and booked my heart in advance.  It would be empty,  waiting.  
I told you that my most fatal character flaw was my habit of pushing my luck.  
Had I known that pulsing beneath the surface of your chest lie an ego fueled beast of cold, cruel anger,  I might have held back.
But I, I don't blame you.  No,  on the contrary, I feel the weight of my poorest choices of words.
Perhaps If I had not pried myself from your web I'd still be trapped there in your trance waiting for the day that you finally decide that I was tasty enough to devour.
Yet,  you'd merely tease me with that sweet death.  And I,  just like you,  am filled with greed. Give me what it is I want.  Allow me to martyr my body on the alter of your flesh.
I could not wait any longer.  An undecided spider surely will not go without dinner,  will she?
But I am no longer on the menu.
And all your hatred could not bring me back.  
Such a sad ending for those of us that Still allow such weakness to creep in.  Haunting reminders of beautiful possibilities. Never to be.

There was but a short
Important moment of clarity
Hiding underneath
What at the time I recognized
Only as defeat
My timing couldnt have been worse
I rushed
I wanted
I feared I was wasting time
When I was merely
trying to force the tomorrow I desired
Patience
Calmness
Faith
I had lacked
Now I do not fear
The inevitable moments to come
I quietly rest
I know
Tomorrow is just another step
Tonight's purpose
Is to let the fire spread
Even if I do not feel
The warm caress of the flames
Even If I do not hear the song
In your voice
I will let time
Burn the embers of resistance
I will wait
Patiently
I will prepare
For the storm to dissipate
I have chosen a place
In the sand
To watch the sun rise

I was naive, there is no doubt.
I just hope this doesn't hurt for
very long. I was always the good one.
Always making sure that they had what they needed. That they were comfortable in this work.
One day about six months ago
she walked in.
A smile that would give me goosebumps.
A voice that would increase the speed in which my heart would beat.
I made it a point to never hit on her.
I wanted her to feel comfortable.
I immediately put aside any idea of being with her. Then one day I started noticing the little hints. The cute things girls do when they want something more. I hesitated to rescend her advances. And she brought it on pretty **** hard. I should have known better. She got me hooked right through the heart. And I'm bleeding internally

Sleep seems
it will be kept out of reach
Another night closer
To that place on the beach
I gave you the wheel
I gave you the keys
All you had to do
Was find your way to me
there is only fear
An illusion, we both know
It must be my turn to steer
I know just the way to go
There must be know looking back
I will not turn around
There is a place for the past
let it rest deep in the ground
I know that we can get there
If we both hold on tight
Through this darkened tunnel
Somewhere there is a light
They said it wasnt fate
that it was simply wrong
Too many hearts would break
If we chose to write this song
Oh how we resisted
how we tried to turn around
We closed our eyes and hearts
But still could feel the sound
Of our song

Some times you need to stop, realize
You've been driving blind,
Take a moment of time for reflection,
Reset yourself in the correct direction,
Let go of those obsessions that have clouded your perception,
It's so easy to doubt yourself
When you won't settle for less than perfection,
Trying to fit in to someone else's vision within their pupils,
Get lost in indecision,
The fault lines of my scruples,
Don't let the foundation of your core self
Be set only on trying to procure more wealth,
Everything in due time,
Find a moment to remind
Your mind
The reasons why you try,
Your specific intentions
And that life is worth it,
Remember, "Don't be so ******* yourself,  nobody's perfect. "
Scars are just life's art,
The night stars in your eyes
Are purpose

Vacation
From a life
Pathway procrastinator
Advanced destruction
Psychological decimation
Can I ever come back from this?
Started with a glance
Lust envelopes the both of us
Unjust love
Infection no medicated protection
We become our obsession
Quickly regressing
Life to the point of tears

We all make mistakes
And I hate to say this
Or admit that this is the most dangerous
And damaging thing I think I've ever done
I am none
I am numb
I'm in a panic
That I can't handle this
I want to dismantle this ****
Before it sinks the ship
The holes let all the death in
Demons embedded inside my head and crept in
Wondering where I've been and whose bed I've slept in
My brain bled in and suffocated my nonexistent soul
I try to take a breath in
But your air is too **** cold
Will nothing make me whole
I'm out of my own control
I've bought and sold my time for all the right lies
You see nothing left
Unless it's left to die
I can't go on
Tonight

I hold on to every single letter
Of every little message
I take a deep breath
Respond in
Hopeful honesty
There's something different
In the connection between us
You and I both know
That there is no going back
To whatever normal was
There is no going back
To the days when we'd pass
Each other and not feel that
Magnetic electric current
That flows between us
It exists inside and beyond us
Pulling us toward as destroyers
To create a new life as one
Shall we fall together in this eternal dive? Lock your hands in mine and don't look back at the flames as the world burns
Turning the past to ashes
Disregard the echoes of the voices
They will fade
Disregard the judgmental looks
Of those that do not,  could not understand
Keep your eyes steady
On mine
This is our life,
Im ready to jump
I'm just waiting for you

When this fever breaks the levee
Salt water eroding the sand
A sea of old emotions
That got out of hand
A Hot water tsunami
Ignored the warning
A sunset hidden
Beyond the clouded thought

Her name alone
The mere thought of the sound
Replaces love
My baby girl

Message in a plastic digit brought me into your garden this morning. Color scheme bright life sun succubus hidden down a dirt alley beyond the church just past the funeral parlor.
Trouble. Surrounded by angels, temptation petals and keyphrases. Lonely. House meant for a family. The sadness underneath your permanent smile. Is this why she can't stop? An awkward goodbye paused caught in a smoke ring. Eden, maybe Ill see you around.

They say money
Makes the man
Inside of these walls
There is no plan
I've built these boundaries
You cannot get in
Days all run together
Cannot find my desire
The bonds I have severed
Just the ashes of my fire
And I could not find the strength
I merely reveled in the pain
The all consuming silence
Serves as my reminder
Of everyone
Of everything
Of all the time
I have lost

I spent most of the night rambling on about this girl I'll never be with.
I must commend my friend for listening to my pitiful analogies and expressions.
Ive been a nonbeliever for many years now, but when our eyes met
The only thing i could feel was
So seemingly supernatural
I'd give my ******* left arm to feel her kiss.
I really didn't think this sort of thing was real,
Until her smile turned me into an addict
Her voice
Veiled all those things
Im not supposed to know

Today you dried your mouth out.
Tried out sobriety.
Apathy left you in the dark.
Spitting back ashes.
The flames left you little lipstick kisses.
The dead bury their heads deep, but you can still see their necklaces.

Honestly it feels like i haven't written in months. Even though it has only been a couple of days.
I feel dry.
Empty.
My eyes are closed
and to each side of me
I reach my arms out.
I touch the smooth cold metal walls.

There may be 10,000 ghosts in this old house,
But they can't stop me from dreaming about you

Things I say but do not do
I love you
Lust an empty
Awakened activity
In midsleep
Empty

Carry over
More than just damage
Pieces of shattered dreams
Remnants of me

An illusion.
That's what they may call it.
If you were to make the sky turn colors, put the stars out. Watch them fall like rain drops never to crash.
In space the gods are lonely.
Looking for some signs of life.
Searching the limits of our sight.
For that one sign.

She sent a sharp
Question mark
Through my heart

In the absence
Time
A face expressionless
Without desire
The space black
Avoid pathos
A void
Repeat
Unspoken
Pale thoughts
Lacking
Emotion
Devotion melts away
The lava of thoughts
The destroyer
Distributes
Words and phrases
Too soft to hurt
Too quiet
To see
Too weak and rare
To assemble

set foot on the road out of nowhere
Never mind which way you go

Her eyes break the silence
In my mind
                 There are sirens
To fill this place out
Ive memorized your face
This is unhealthy
I place your face in
Precarious positions
This intimate emersion
                  This rare inertia
A system of push
Pull me almost close enough
To hear what you are really saying
But for me to survive
              Must hide from
This energy
           Time for work

I work
A yearly portal
Begs entrapment
Little time for the better things
Sweet sleep
Another life
Upon the waters' sweet surface flow
Steady myself as the gentle waves
Rock me into lucid darkness
The days
The nights
Pass
I work
Pass the water
Burn the whiskey tongues
Hopeful birds
Sleeping on their feet
Side to side glances
Frontal objective
Breaking arrow *******
An ode to mother's earth
A genetic follie
DNA post traumatic
Brain damage
Let her go
Simple
Quick
Like the dreams we had
When we were young
Upon some unnamed
Moment
Of submission
To the days
The nights that must
Devour breath and hours
As if it were never ours

I can't help but start a fire
I like to watch the flames dance
They seem to almost kiss
For just a moment
Now a memory

I'd reach out to hold your hand
Even though inevitably
Your fingers would just slip away
God how I'd cherish such a moment
a memory I'd replay
I try to focus on the daily grind
Trying to fulfill a promise
But there's never enough time
My mouth spills the wrong words
The bleeding heart directly links
to my lips
You call me your soulmate
And then you turn away
I tie a knot in the chords to my thoughts
Silence is all I'll say
You hide behind this idea of strength
And I hide behind the days
I wait
I let you have the last word
It's better to let you wonder
I lose myself in lyrics
The sky produces thunder
I don't care that no one else will understand
Your face is always there
Keeping me in this trance

I'm up before the sun chases all the stars away
Overwhelmed by all the vows that I must break
My arrogance and greed have brought me to this day of great deceit
But what now of the karma I must reap?
She looks at me like someone from another time
Like I've slipped through the cracks of my other life
Narrow my focus now to her
But what becomes of all the hurt?
I'm not ready to decide I'd rather just sleep and hide I cannot stop my mind from lying
I try to steady my hand as I pen this plan, but I just scribble out demands ******* I'm trying
Who am I kidding?  I asked for all of this with a grin,  each and every little sin,  it's better if she knows that I am not worth a single tear,  not one for a single year of this decade we'd built together.

Nothing I appreciate more
Than a listening eye
An honest mouth
And a genuine smile
A voice absent of daggers or broken glass or whatever weapons most use to cut down
To hurt
There is power in your soul
Use it to love and to console
Those of us who are broken
Or vessels of repaired cracks
Feel harder
The stabbing breath of the bitter

I've already let it go
At least that's what I tell myself
I know she's better off without me
I've always known that
I'm just selfish
That's all there is to it
I see something beautiful
And want to make it mine
Not my place
I'm waiting for the lights to go out
The wind to blow with a fury
Hard enough to make me forget about you
For a little while
The sounds of this house
numbing
The television too loud
The faces longing for my attention
So ill eat something
I'll drink tonight
Expecting to express how pathetic I feel
How pathetic I am
I won't communicate
Not to those that really matter
I rarely smile here
I'm lost in the impossible
Selfish
A fact
I wont even try to fake it anymore
Like it doesn't hurt
Like it doesn't matter
That's what she wants

Settled comfortably in to our safety harnesses
Protected from all of the life that begs to eat us
We couldn't see inside
Where the parasitic thoughts are born
A sin for the weekend wrapped inside a plastic bag alibi
You hold tight to the memory
Prescription of hope and the bottle almost empty
A magnified moment
A vibe that seemed to transcend
A paradox not meant
For our consumption

I dont know how you do it
So natural
You give all of yourself to things you know will fade away
I brace myself
Knowing, I'm one of those temporary things

It disturbs me
How you are able
To keep me in this cage of confusion
I wait anxiously
You bring me scraps
Feed me this beautiful illusion
I am stronger
Because you are my weakness
I am better off
Left alone
Not to crumble
Not to fade
Not to cling
Not to hope
Not to die
I am sealing these cracks
With tears that I will
Never let you taste
This cage
This face
This disregarded flame
Burns
With or without you

The calm eyes lay upon the chaos
The deep still water
The sea content to see the sky repent
The air
The companion
The water
The protection
Shielding the lurking ugly nature
In the deepest shadows
Beyond the edge of the sun

Earlier
Before the sun was set
I had five minutes alone
With the universe
I remember thinking
That they could not take the air
Or the sky
They won't take anything that really matters
Except for time
But
If this is the end
All was not wasted
Just fragments
In between spaces
Those moments
Where pain is best forgotten
Anger laid to rest
No longer that sharpness
In my chest
I could easily
Rest
One day
If I'm lucky

You make me cry.
I go and **** my girlfriend.
I feel better in the moment.  
I sleep...  Sometimes.
I wonder where I'll wake up.
When I'll wake up.
The beast has eaten all the good parts.
The liar has won the battle.
The destroyer of trusting hearts is drunk... has lost all control.

I begged to be forgotten
Breaking promises like there was nothing better to do
And now I am

The slow no longer burning smothered smouldering memory of a fire
Released
And vaporized
I feel nothing

Little blue and smooth
Goes down easier than it should
Cure the consciousness
Nothingness feels so good
I say im sorry
Don't worry
It's nothing
Please don't be mad
All I want to do is sleep
It's not so bad
Yeah I'm just overthinking things
So goodnight
So I'll see you in another quiet peaceful place
Where I am free

If I were a believer
I'd leave her
at the alter of my eye
Sometimes It's better
To let go of forever
Than to have to say
Goodbye

Settle in
           To this uncomfortable seat
And strap in
Im driving
      There's little use for these
Rearview reminders
I'm going
      To pick up a few strangers
Along the way
       I once was like them
Needing a ride
               Hands on the wheel
Eyes open
But my mind keeps going
Back to her gaze
          And that's the only place
In this ******* ******* universe
             That I want to be
Yet,
             I drive

You'd think by now I'd fix the flaw
I'm not wasting time
I'm never minding
The falsified feelings that were spawned
I'm getting over
And letting go
I think of all the ****** things about you
Wrap them around this image
This new vision i will use
Nobody's perfect
Just because your face is flawless
Doesn't mean that you'll get everything you want
Redefine my purpose
Just because my place is haunted
Doesn't mean ill let your ghost walk through these walls
I'm getting over
Letting go
Like you think you wanted
Like you think you know
But who knows about tomorrow
You'll probably change your mind
But by that time I should be fine
Or ill just pretend to push you aside
I see you almost every single day
There's got to be another way
Another wasted phase
A rush of curiosity
So i must not repeat
The words still lurk between
Blue eyes that hypnotized me

I can clean all the dirt off
You can pull out the weeds
Some flowers will grow
In the places we see
But I can't help but feel
That none of this is real
Say nothing
It's better to let the silence comfort us in times of uncertainty

"Can we just... Stop?"
I hear the echo
Stretch and wrap around my thoughts
These weren't words that escaped
Your lips
But they were there
Floating around in the air between us
Yes,  
I can stop.
I can stop
Calling you
I can stop
Because although it's taken me longer
Than it should have,
It's
Better
For me to let go
Of everything I thought
You could be

For one night everything was
Almost
Like it was 3 months ago
I gave the kids hugs and tucked them into bed
It's  harder to heal a broken heart
When you're the one who dropped it
She's doing a good job of healing on her own
We still share a laugh and a smile
And long periods of awkward silence
We are forever connected
I was wrong
And I knew it from the beginning
Fate is an unworthy excuse
Yet
Here we are
Almost
Like it was 3 months ago
Me,  quietly grieving over another suicide
This time
It was someone I knew
Someone I connected with
during a handful of stolen moments in February
Now her little girl will never know her
Gone
Sometimes we don't get to say goodbye
I imagined her ghost walking into the room,
Asking me why I never called her back