I sit on my porch, the sky is dropping
As I pour my tea.  The day was lit
With paint and brush, now my face
Is lighted by the round full joy
Of the shining moon, I see
Him in my filling cup.

I want you
I want someone to want me
but
you don't want me

please want me

don't!
I'm broken
you don't want a leaky faucet
that
self repairs
with duct tape and silly putty

I'll recite you the backs of cereal boxes
and
throw away the locks on the doors of our common places
I'll keep a smile on mine if your face feels too tired from the weight of what your mind is speaking out your eyes

Everything.
Every string
that hangs off of well worn sweaters
snags on finger nails and pealing calluses.

I'll draw the curtains
if
and ONLY
IF
you first admit that you
are
BEAUTIFUL.
and i know it.

Your doubt should drown.
We'll drink it down.
Sipping wine only to set the scene
because
WE
already ditched our inhibitions
and
we decided that what was best for each other was to feeds each other's needs with the other's body.

This letter.
This note.
To you.
The long lost women of my dreams
the shape shifting goddess
who floats freely through the open windows of my memories.
Will this be enough to summon spirits to lift me to your level without being beaten to life by a trigger happy judge's gavel?

I built my prison to your specifications.
The measurements may be off
but
the bed...
The bed is warm
and cozy.
And
it fills my heart to see your cheeks turn that rosy
rosy red
that same
rosy red
that fills my heart
and
flows through yours.
Kept inside
but
peaking out in moments of vulnerability.
Shed your false
heavy
layers of security
toss them in the water and...

Flush skin of lips and finger tips
other places where my mind can only wander
wondering where in the world we will
meet again.

It's half past ten or some other hour,
I don't know and you don't mind
because
we're alive!
and our heart beats will set the pace
keeping time in place.

THE STORM IS LOUD
MY VOICE
is softer
now...

Okay--

Alright--

*
I'll give you your space{













But
YOU
BETTER FLY.
And NO MATTER HOW HIGH
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO SHOW
to TRULY KNOW the color of your wings.

And
I'll continue singing
because
someone else may be listening.
And
although these tears won't quench my thirst
I'm learning more about myself through my time searching
through my ***** laundry:
Bags of rags
and forgotten junior high and high school notebooks.

Failed jokes took to heart
the stinging silence of laughter kept inside.

Broken funny bones
NUMBED by repetition [repetition]
DUMBED down
COMFORTABLE BEING SUBMISSIVE

Well, I'm not sorry
NOT SORRY
to tell you
this mouse
whose mouth you shut is now stirring

Stirring the ***
Kept at temperature
All the right spices and slices and dices to enlighten you as to what the taste of life is.
.............................................................­.................................................
Please sit, here is your chair.
I love what you've done with your hair!
let me know if you would like seconds
but
that depends on if you brought your appetite.
I know I'M Hungary [hungry]
but
I won't slurp my soup if it offends you.

We'll take it slow
because
I know that
I still don't know you that well yet.
And I think we both could cool it down on the unnecessary judgement.
I'd really like to know you well, so I won't try to sell you anything that you're not buying.
And call me out if you think I'm lying, but I promise to be as honest as you want.

But it's a two way street
and I know you're probably tired from running down it so long
in which case I would gladly rub your feet
or your shoulders if you'd like to be a bit more discrete.

However, it still may be too soon for that
in which case I'll take a couple steps back.

Do you like music?
How bout dancing?
It doesn't have to be romantic
I just enjoy the feeling when I'm moving to the rhythm in time with other bodies.

Does you mind maybe feel clearer now that your body's moving free
or
are you holding back because you falsely feel that you lack the ability to let the music move

Your soul's of you feet.

Let go
and hold on to me.
I won't let you fall unless you're ready
but I'll catch you
please don't worry.

We are free
here.

Let's just be
here.

Forget fear
and see where that takes us
in a year.

Or more
Or less
Or until you decide
that your dress
is not
the most comfortable thing
you
could be wearing...

I'm just glad we can share the same air
and not care that our hair's getting messy.

But...
This...
is the best I've felt.

In a loooong while...

Spinning out of control
Lying
With you here next to me.

You always knew when I wasn't okay
You could always tell with just one look
Then you'd sit down with me
And just listen no matter how long it took.

You were the only one
That would say, "Tell me the truth"
No one else has ever been able to see through this facade

Now that you're gone
I feel just as lost and alone
But even more because nobody's been able to see me
As you always could. 

You always knew
And found a way to cheer me up
Even though we grew apart
And had different friends. 

You always knew
And could make my day with just one hug
Just one smile
Just one small conversation. 

These people I call friends
Have yet to figure it out. 
I keep missing you
While waiting for someone els to say, "Tell me the truth"

You always knew
You always knew.

Numbness, Fright
Then delight

                                                                            Of course I remember...
How could I forget?
                                                                             Lonely, of course...
How could I not be?
                                                                             Move a little closer.
Step far away, leave me while you still can.
                                                                             Don't ever leave me.
Is this really what should happen?
                                                                              I need you right now.
I'm not betraying you.
                                                                              Calm down, I'm here.
When have I not?
                                                                               Do you really feel that way?
It's the same for me.
                                                                               I don't know if that would really be the best thing.
Is there nothing else that matters?
                                                                               I've missed you.
I've spent every moment thinking about you.
                                                                               Fine... I feel the same way.
More than you will ever know.
                                                                               Are you sure?
This is exactly what I wanted.
                                                                               She'll be so mad!        
So this is who I'll trust in that manner...
                                                                               I'm serious. Listen.
If you only knew the effect you had on me.
                                                                               She won't forgive us.
As if that really matters to me right now.
                                                                               I'm so sorry.
No, don't give into what I'm saying!
                                                                               Wait!
Come back. Come closer.
                                                                                I don't care anymore.
Your lips are so warm.
                                                                                Look at the trap we're putting ourselves in.
Once we get into this, you won't escape me.
                                                                                If only she hadn't made you promise.
You won't be able to escape!
                                                                                May I kiss you more?
You really won't! I care for your welfare.
                                                                                I'm sorry, my tears are salty.
I'll throw it all away for this moment
                                                                                I've been waiting for you all this time.
Never leave me again.
                                                                                I've been broken inside since what happened with HIM.
You take my breath away.
                                                                                Thank you.
I really hope she won't barge in.
                                                                                Someone's coming.
Speak of the devil, and she will appear.
                                                                                Perhaps you should leave.
NO! Don't go! Let's face her together, as one!
                                                                                I might become my alternate self again.
At least you'll be safe if you leave.
                                                                                Go now, she's almost here!

You're gone.



I'm glad I didn't tell you that you may never see me again.


© 3/16/13

Stepping back into my life;
You know as well as I do,
That it's a dangerous move.

Don't play with my head,
Its true, I've began to lower my walls again,
But I can also get hurt once more, greater than I've been.

Everyone deserves a second chance,
But I give it to you in caution;
I can't turn back, on all the progress I've gotten.

So my mind will do it's best,
To make sure my heart stays in line,
And doesn't cross these boundaries, laid so fine.

I question myself,
And question your intent,
Hoping that my next decision doesn't end in regret.

So good luck,
I truly wish you well,
Because this time, I won't be the one who fell.

Today I caught you staring.

At me I hoped, but then she spoke
To the class, and I watched your
Face change and I knew.

                                                            You smiled at her the same way
                                                            That you sometimes smile at me. The
                                                            Color drained slowly from my face as
                                                             I realized how inferior I was.

She hunts, wears stylish clothes,
And has enough money and much
To spare. She's sweet, funny, and
Quite brilliant. I respect her.

                                                              I don't have many clothes. Money is
                                                              Carefully sectioned and cared for
                                                              Because there's barely enough to use
                                                              For wanted things rather than needed.

She has developed an organized,
Clear life. My life is chaotic. I know
I love you from afar, but I hoped that
You had realized our chemistry.

                                                             You were gone Friday. You showed up last
                                                             Period on Monday. I thought it was okay
                                                             To miss you a little bit, that it wasn't a big
                                                             Deal. I realized when you came back I was wrong.

Shivers ran down my spine as
You walked through the door,
Late. You passed my seat normally
But I couldn't get enough air.

                                                             Your friends clapped you on the back,
                                                             Calling your name and drawing your
                                                             Perfect smile. Then they said something
                                                             Shocking- "Happy Birthday!"

In my mind, I painfully smiled
And wished you the best birthday
Even though I knew I wouldn't
Be able to tell you to your face.

                                                              I know you probably don't realize, and
                                                              That I may be unqualified. But you still
                                                              Held the door open with a smile, and I
                                                              Could barely mutter, "Thank you."

As I walked behind you, I wanted
To reach out and ruffle your curly
Hair, then laugh as you turned to me,
Shocked. I wished we could play.

                                                              Instead, I just watched you walk
                                                              The way you always do, and smiled behind
                                                              Your back as you placed your feet with
                                                              Runner's precision, even as I shuffled.

As I moved past you with my
Longer strides, I smiled as I always
Do, with everyone. But perhaps
You caught the undertone of "Happy Birthday."

                                                              But today I came late, and you didn't
                                                              Seem the same as you always did, though
                                                              You talked to me on class-related business,
                                                              Which, even though simple, was enough for me.

But then I caught you looking at
Her. My slight Inferiority Complex
Hit with force, and my hopes were
Dashed to the side. I broke inside.
                                      
                                                               I hope in a couple of years, even if you're
                                                               Interested in her, you'll take me on a
                                                               Date, as friends; nothing serious. That will
                                                               be enough for me, even if it's not my desire.



--
Other thought:
You play the trumpet, and can't sing.
I sing with full heart and care, with my
Often-used, experienced voice. I wish
That someday we could make music together.
--


                                                             This is an ill-formed poem, filled with
                                                             Inconsistency and raw feelings, with
                                                             No revision. But I hope that if/when I
                                                             Show these to you, you'll understand.
                                          &nbsp