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Ann Nicole Oct 2014
My stupidity eats me alive
For all of my sins I have no pride
I've done much worse than the average Joe
Quite a few things, and he'll never know

He asks again and again
And soon I hope there will be an end
That he'll realize I'm useless and quickly move on
He'll take a deep breath as he has all along

He'll finally taste freedom
In this cruel, small world
He'll relax his shoulders
His problems unfurled

And I'll sit here mourning
Yet somehow move on
From that taste of victory
That rests in his hugs

But a new he comes along
And he's more than I dreamed
I hope that my sins
Don't catch up with me

I want him to know that
I want this to work
It's been tragedy upon tragedy
And then so much worse

But he holds my hand
And rests his forehead on mine
He actually talks
Like everything's fine

So I'll smile for now
And breathe the bad out
I'll relax in his presence
And I'll slowly learn how

To love once again
More than a friend
To hold a hand
And not feel regret
  Oct 2014 Ann Nicole
Haydn Swan
Smiling politely in the local store,
another happy shopper that most would ignore,
but what torrid secrets lay under her grin
the tainted stigma of that hidden sin,

she wraps up her fears with the things that she’s bought,
packed into bags without a thought,
the knots in her stomach drive her insane,
for she knows that tonight there’ll  be anguish and pain,

She drinks her coffee and stares at the clock,
It’s ticking hands seem to laugh and mock,
her doleful eyes are starting to mist,
as she thinks of the bruises made by his fist,

Violently  thrown onto a bed,
pinned down and stifled as if she was dead,
pretends not to feel the hatred and pain,
as her virtue is stolen again and again,

She’s sick of the broken promises and lies,
prays to a God who never replies ,
Its all tucked away where no one can see,
longing for the day that her soul will be free.
I wrote this for my Niece who was a victim of domestic violence and abuse from her husband, she suffered in silence for over 4 years.  It also speaks out for anyone who is going through this right now or has also been a victim.  I hope you will read this and realize that you don't need to suffer alone and that there is a way out, my niece is now on the road to recovery and has a new loving, caring partner.
Ann Nicole Oct 2014
You're such an ***
I hate your ego
I love your smile
I think you're evil

You make me laugh
Now I want to cry
I know truthfully
You can never be mine

I bury you alive
Or stab you to death
Or cuddle you close
And take a deep breath

Of that scent that you have
That never fades
I say it's annoying
But it makes me swoon and sway

I think this is bad
I shouldn't feel like this
Your my best friend's ex boyfriend
I'm ******* with this ****

Stop being perfect
And imperfect at once
Stop being so funny
I shouldn't have fun

With you 'cause she'll **** me
There's no doubt in my mind
You're ******* me over
And taking your time

So slow yet so fast
You pounce at your prey
You bring me in close
And I count everyday

That you're going to be here
And sigh in between
I'm missing you slowly
And you're killing me
Ann Nicole Oct 2014
Please don't say "I love you"
Please don't steer me wrong
We've been through this a million times
But you've done it all along

I've tried everything
That I could
But I cannot bring myself
To love you like I should

You and I both know
It doesn't happen that fast
But all you say
Is it was meant to last

And I wish I could change my mind
To fit your standards
But you know I'm locked in my shell
Trapped by your expectations

So please don't say "I love you"
Please don't let me down
Don't jump into this, like it's that easy
Cause you know that I'm never coming around
Ann Nicole Sep 2014
I've tried to make choices in the past
They always ended in downfall for my sanity
And I can't do anything but repeat them because
I love the feeling of lost control
I love to cry
To feel the tears streaming down my face
I love that nobody knows just how scarred
My stupid and thought out decisions
Leave me in the end
And it pains me to say that I'm addicted
To this certain sadness
I cannot live without this pain
Because then I'd be boring
Then I wouldn't understand other people's scars
Whether the ones I see lining their wrists and thighs
Or painted in the depth of their actions
And as a mental killer
I understand that the pain is more real for some people
Than it is for others
But it still exists in every person I've ever met
Because nobody exists without that sliver of pain
That they're addicted to
That makes them normal
Ann Nicole Sep 2014
Through all I've been through
I know my friends will be there
But I have those friends who I know I can't trust
And I know better to say my secrets to them
Because they'd look at me different
Never the same person again
I'm just that person who has got a lot of problems
Who tries to dump them on every person she meets and
Becomes slightly close to
It's a little insulting
But I was never good at keeping a secret and I never will be ever again
My secrets will spill from my mouth in front of those that I love
Someday
It will happen
I wish I was kidding though
Because the thought hurts so much
To the point that some people are becoming as irrelevant as they were
The second we met
I never remember a face
And for that
I apologize
Because every single face is worth remembering
I just forget them as an instinct
Because I am not worthy of such beautiful people
That can carry burdens as heavy as mine
That can smile in free time
Because they're getting along with every person around them
Because they are what I wish to be in so many ways
I want to be funny
I want to be kind
I want to be witty
I want to be special
I want to be tough
I want to be sensitive
I want to be beautiful
And I know that I am
I am all of these things
But I know I am more
More negative
I am rude
I am sarcastic
I am a grudge holder
I am hungry
I am annoying
I am selfish
I am slow
I am not beautiful
And the bad clearly outweighs the good
And that's as sad as my ability to make friends
And my ability to forget that people love me
Because I can't remember what I can't feel
Because I forgot again
And that makes me as ignorant as a stranger to my life
Ann Nicole Sep 2014
You used to play games
Now you play tricks
You used to help out
Now you throw sticks
I believed you would always be there
Yanking my wrist
Pulling my hair
I took advantage
But so did you
You promised to listen
Through and through
But now my sanity's dead
Slowly coming to life
If I open my eyes
You'll be holding a knife
I'd run if I could
But my body hurts
I'd love if I could
But my emotions were burnt
By people like you
And memories of pain
And those who surround me
Who think it's a game
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