Tell me what I mean to you
If in fact I mean anything at all
I'm sorry that I'm asking but I'm not sure how much longer I'll have to savor you before you go
I won't ask any more questions
I will lay silently in your arms
I will pretend we're lost lovers just meeting for the first time again
Charm me with your whispers
Your sent dancing against my senses
Should you leave
I won't lie I won't be happy
but I will cherish our memories

He had the baby today.

I know better...

It will be so hard for me to sneak and text him during the day now.
I figure, I can move on with my Latin lover and be secure in what we've been building these past 5 years.
But he doesn't entice me to be the woman of his dreams or to play house with the "normal" gender roles.
I'm aware he doesn't deserve me.
He never has.
Still two children and a half past later, I'm still here.
What am I doing to myself?
While my youth is slipping away, he had his second child today.
I will go home and make nice with my Latin lover in order to make him feel like a man and for me, It will make me feel as if I've filled that void of the love this Latin man can't give me.
His past has him trapped in a place I can't reach.
Not because I don't understand but more because it is all out of my age range.
While I'm resting my head on his chest, arm wrapped around his body, mind thinking on how his baby was born today, I will always remember where I should have been.

What's ******* me up is she is my daughter and she doesn't realize that she barely knows me
It's hard to accept that I can remember every detail about her and there is nothing new from today that I can show her
How could it be this difficult to keep a relationship with your own flesh and blood?
I'm sure we would be much more open day to day if we could
But I rather not risk the fact that her father is somewhere lurking reading our messages the things we see as personal
But I will be patient and think of something worth making it all work without setting up that rage I can't seem to tame when it comes to her

I need my daughters to know
that's it's ok to cry
Not only sad times or when somebody close dies
I need my sons to focus on them first before a woman presses them to please what's between their thighs
I learned some real lessons through the lens' of these eyes
Everyone who say
they love you probably don't that's hard to realize
So if you stuck on you til you ready won't never be much surprise
Take your time and til it's time less drama in your lives

When I was 16 I was sure
Never was the type to be confused or pressed to explore
I knew the Bible pretty well and faked a front for my cousins about the "real" Santa Claus
By 18 my values were **** near null and void had a baby but graduated I accepted those applause
Not knowing that secretly I was the pillow talk
Haters came and tried to end me by bumping all they jaws
21 I had finally felt free
Tried hosting parties and nights clubs for a *** *** twenty dollar fee
22 second baby on the way
He was special and I loved him
Just wished that heart ache would've gone away
I was broken and hoping there was a super hero on the way
Disappointed on my own city shelter's where I stayed
Baby daddy on my jack
He was jackin that he wished i woulda stayed
I kept my head up and my eyes peeled and continued walking away
24 here we go again baby boy was on his way

I'm going crazy
Because I was thinking
That just maybe
You could change
I been complaining
Contemplating
How I could get away
But
I'm still here like I must stay
You are leeching at my air supply
Tugging at my voice box
And I know it's because of your age
The insecurities won't cease
That was the beginning end of my defeat
And my energy is depleted
So I through my hands up in defeat
Ha ha
You win
Only it isn't funny
When
You have someone who will chastise and never defend
All the while I've been
Bowing down
Excusing myself
Apologizing for stuff
All the way backwards I've bent
Just to see that snide grin
That awful smirk when you're saying I'm sorry
over
and over
and over again
No more excuses
No more I'm sorry
Because apparently we are all sorry and no one has the ***** enough to apologize and follow up with real change
I can't be the twenty something year old mom who looks three times her age
From the stress and the lies and the promises you've made
I need more
I want more
I
Deserve
More
But I am too tired from waiting all these years to continue to hold on
There is not hope here
We are the dry season that bears no new fruit
We are the plague that destroys all things in its path
And I don't want to be a part of the storm that's brewing with you
Just give me a chance to age gracefully
But with someone who won't take all my joy away from me

I want someone who will be strong for me when I'm too tired to be
too bad you're not that someone
I think about where we used to be and I fantasize that I am there again while I fake the passion you try to make me inhale
the way you kiss me makes my eyes water with tears filled with guilt
I look away and you remain with hands gripping my waist
touching those places you no longer belong
and I am filled still with the guilt I can't replace with any honest emotion
I'm fighting to be freed from the curse that is you
but you relentless in this struggle
refuse to let me go

Limp
Ashamed
Angry
For allowing your curse to ride free on this journey with me
Halted by the inability to provide
Something I take personally
Bored
Embarrassed
Restless
With your love or lack thereof
Pained by your face
Moved by your attitude
I'm shifting gears
Reversing
Trying to find the shortcut back to me