Just because they have disappeared
does not mean that
i'm clutter-free.

It's a cluster-free, a clusterfuck of ******* insanity.

My uncle left right after
my Grampa's funeral,
split like a chicken's *****,
"he's in the airforce
or some other human-processing factory,"
Ma would say to me.

My aunt mable,
dipped out
dripped out two kids
then split
like a pillsbury biscuit.

My aunt pat's mom,
left Aunt pat on Aunt FLo's doorstep,
in the sole of her instep,
stepped out on a kid
and a husband
with a left shoe,
the right one
was left behind.

My pops
was forced out,
I saw him drag Ma
through the halls,
saw him whip her face in
with the brass-end
of a leather belt,
everybody's face was leathery
when the cops came in.

There is a litany of disappearing faces
in my family picture, a litany
of the disappeared
who reappear
over thanksgiving and christmas dinners,
when we wax nostalgiac
or hurt
over turkey,
gravy,
and biscuits.

Over love
and how many are missing.

My aunt passed away

almost a year ago.


And I was never super close with her

but the things I remember

are important.


My whole family

Aunt Florence

Uncle Rodger

Aunt Debbie

and Romy

came down

and Stayed with Me, Ma, Joci and Grandma

when I was a kid.


I remember she kissed

me

and hugged me

in our living room.


And I felt the love

without words;

it just came out of her body

in waves.


Her small voice

was loud with it.

I am beginning to learn
Yukimi
like a backstory
and
her body
teaches me about love
in a different
but completely nostalgiac
way.

I'm not going to lie. I don't want to rhyme. Its 5 am and I'm thinking about how the time has been spent. How I'm now going to invent a way to be clever or crass but brass doesn't retain it's veneer unless it's polished. It stays clear. And so here I sit for the 27th hour of the day thinking of what to say, sour when my words are failing me. Where to start, I guess we could unravel the heart. I never had a problem with you pulling it apart. Because we would look inside to find what's missing. And together stitch it up with a necessary revision. And look at me reminiscing. And look at me all nostalgiac. I think the truth of the matter is that I can't miss you because I'm sick. I CAN'T allow the tears to come because it'd be too quick. I can't stop rhyming because I'm trying to say... something legitimate and embrace what you used to tell me. To recognize that side of my soul that could dive so deep. Instead I hear EVE 6 turning my heartbeat to a beautiful oblivion. And think I could distract myself from what has been haunting me since we went our separate ways. Or how you came into my mind so many times tonight... It was as if I was speaking with a familiar face. See for me understand I am a different kind of sober whale. I can't even find release while begging please and breaching the surface to just let it cease without indulging in despondence but the tears won't come and I think it's drowning me. Then I think this is so right with insight of the way we treated each other wrong inconspicuously and the burdens placed upon these lives. And all along I'd try to make a case and point regardless if it was yours or mine. I'd find value in the lesson and perplexion and what still doesn't make sense is how I'm ******* second guessing. My mind won't let me shut it off so maybe that's why I'm stressing? I had a single moment of clarity. Let's wait a moment and see if I will wake up before I sleep. Let's see if I reload this gun just for fun at what's taunting me. Let's see how many metaphors I can think of to wash away the tide. The only thing that's filled my dreams since the moment we said goodbye. I apologize for my intrusion, but it's no delusion when you and I were so INTegral there was no confusion. I felt the smallest waves you'd make and we'd come together full fledgling fusion. Diffusing what didn't serve us and make room for convalescence. But this time what I say may just explain why we slipped into evanescence. Because I just pulled off the latest trick from my belt that I fashioned as armor and wore as a pelt. But a one trick pony only has so many tickets to sell until realizing that his grandeur is his hell. So let me tell you what I know now. There's no place for me in your life. It's not right. And I didn't say goodbye. I didn't even try. I was so convinced that I was doing us a service and operating on pretenses. And now our time has passed and I'm grateful to have those fences to look over and know that I was truly blessed with something profound. Because you lifted me into the sky and I brought you to the ground. And all I deserve is nostalgia and the tears that I found. I just wish that I could tell you how much you mean to me. There will never come another like you. Not with your serendipity. One more cheap rhyme probably forms a design But I couldn't believe what I was selling. And you know Nissa that I know what it is to be a felon. So I'll go on telling the same story but I wanted you to know... It was with you only that so ever felt like home. And I learned there's a difference between what we know and what we believe. And what I know will never grant me any reprieve. I'm so caught in denial spinning spirals and trying to convince myself I miss the idea of you and me. But it's a lie and I know it. I miss your truth, our bond, and your ferocity. And that philosophy could never surmount to that pretense. The arrogant dense ***** who told you there was no recompense. There's no idea of us, only what we were. And I fantasize now of how I compromised when you were sure. I had every intention that my decision would provide a final cure. But there I go again like that filters out my impurity. Like a last ditch effort could ever comfort you now. I just hope that somehow you'll read this. I never grieved over you and very few eyes will see this.

I hear people speak of the pleasures of war. Funny how all who say that are kings or bystanders enjoying their freedom. I wish they were more careful with their words. People like myself who over hear them might get upset. It triggers a horrid reminder of the situations that presents itself to us everyday in the form of a “job”, no matter any of those feelings or thoughts..this is the life we are in. Ensure you give thanks for this life, if you see no reason then the fault is only in yourself. Know that when your time comes, don’t allow your heart to be filled with fear of death. Arrive at your death happy, maybe a little drunk, in love and late. Live your life to the fullest so when the time comes you are not scared and praying for more time to live life differently. Life in its simplest form is so much more enjoyable but we have built blockades of distractions for ourselves and we might never know. Life is no longer the goal, it’s whatever someone self perceived peak of happiness is, they are nostalgiac for something they’ve never had.