These cuts, these bruises in time shall heal,
Nothing overrides the pain one can feel.
The scars on our hearts are harder to hide,
Nor the guilty pleasure knowing we tried.

Scars arent meant to be pretty,
They represent a life nothing but ******.
They represent our suffering and pain,
When the blade runs so shall it rain.

Dont take my words to heart,
My words arent the painful part.
Put down the blade and think this through,
There are those out there who care for you.

This isnt the way, this isnt an option,
You act as though the world put you up for adoption.
Hear me now, know even I a stranger care,
Find the one thing you alone hold dear.

Repeat what it is that brings you joy,
Your life is meaningful and not some old toy.
I perhaps am not your savior this time round,
But I wish not see more blood spilt upon the ground.

We are human, we withstand an extent,
Look at yourself and see your potent'.
Let the blade go, your fists subside,
Its enough to have let it out and cried.

You are perfect
You are unique
You mean something
You deserve better
You are strong enough to go on
You are *you

I found you standing in your doorway
It was yellow and dark
Your hair was down, your body as always
Thin
You looked like a beautiful statue
Illuminated by your darkness
And mine too.

We made love on a chair from the 90s
One of those wooden ones with a white cushion
You threw up on your arm afterwards
And I cleaned it up with a single paper towel.

There were infants in this dream too.

I drank mugwort tea and watched Bladerunner
Checking my phone every too often
Waiting for your call.


I imagine you fell asleep
I cherish you in the pit of my stomach
And at the core of my heart
The heart I’ve protected for quite some time.

I lean in, I glide out
I write and hope
Hang onto what good I have to believe there is

I know you will call me soon.

"She...she. . .
loves me!

He says it just
- like that!

As if he had practiced it
and had got it

- down pat!

Or as if he were saying:
"Pass the coffee ***."

Or as if...
...I didn't!

I watch him
distorted in the coffee pat

a short stout man
a little man with a long face.

I want to laugh but
I have lost my laughter.

"My...sister! My...twin!...The *****!"

"Go!" I tell him "...just: go!"

He: went.

She felt like an android
or replicant rather..

She thought of her
self now

in the( "Absurd!" )3rd
person singular

as if she had fallen
out of her self.

He: gone.

All those moments
lost in time

making love to Wagner's
Tannhäuser

( screaming the house down )

always his laughter
her music

stars dancing over
the Bridge of Sighs.

A Santa incredulously
in a gondola

singing Santa Lucia.

"So...
me d'oh!"
she hummed.

This the little song
of her self.

"So mi doh!"

trying to keep its head
above the floodwaters

of belief.

Bladerunner rewound 99 times
to that END.

All those moments
...lost in time

like( cough)tears

in a glass of
red wine.

I have never
(and hopefully
never will be again)
Secretly in such deep
Love with someone

Piano, guitar, trumpet, drums, voice
Brilliant in his ability
To absorb knowledge
His mind a sponge

Consistently chill
Not easily riled

Persistently positive
And funny

When we met I was
An overweight, ******
Textbook closet case
Face in textbooks

Eating and smoking
To fill the void

I’d find any reason at all
To spend time with him

Tennis?
Sure!, Let’s go!

Dinner out?
Who’s driving?

Monty Hall Piano Room?
Let me spark this joint first.

What’s worse was that I
Loved (and still love and adore)
His then girlfriend

And so it was this strange
Situation where I loved
The couple, was secretly
Obsessed with the boy
And so jealous of the girl

But I was too ashamed and
Self-aware to be nasty to her
Because it wasn’t her fault

Shame so locked in my marrow
I couldn’t even project
The insecurity it created

Cristo and Lirah
Would go out for a romantic
Dinner and I’d feel
More alone in those moments
Than any other

So I’d smoke and do school work
Or walk through the woods with Nayla
Or go eat with Jireh

~~~

Side bar: So it turned out that
Jireh had a big ‘ol thing for me

I was so blind because
Of my behavioral asexuality
‘Locked in’ gayness
Love for Cristo

I may have led her on for like, years.
That’s ******.

And John had a thing for Jireh

Weird love non-triangles
All over the ******* place

- - -

We drank so much

I remember drinking every day for
The last month of my junior year
In WC14

Movie night?
Word: White Russians
Pair well with Bladerunner

My shame was so strong that
Even when I was blacked out
(Or nearly blacked out)
I could still use a Treuschler
Bathroom to ****

Then stare at myself in the mirror
And be disgusted with my
Own reflection

“You love him.
You love Cristo.”

“You’re ******* gay, bro.”
“SAY IT. "

"TO ANYONE.”

. . .

“******* coward.”

Shame slicing right
Through the shitfacedness
For self chastisement

- - -

I told him I was gay
At a club in Baltimore a few days
Before I left for Micronesia

He said: “Where are we going
for your send off?”

I said: “The Hippo.”

He said: “You know that’s a
gay bar, right?”

“Yeah, man. It’s cool.”

I told him after returning from
Peace Corps
That I’d been in love
With him in our college
Years

Cool, collected and responsive
As usual, he said:

“Thank you.”