the Himalayas rise
there is snow on the peaks
I watch it from my bed
I gaze and gaze at it
in the morning
as a little village girl goes by
sniffling with cold
I too am cold
it is chilly here in Tosh in May
but a young Israeli boy
took off his shirt
and stood on the fencepost of the guesthouse dancing
down was the deep green valley
all of us watched in admiration
the next day I went down to the waterfall
which from here is a beautiful whisper in the air
there are donkeys and a path
and pretty houses on the other side of the valley
and everywhere there are people smoking hash and relaxing
in the cafes and the guesthouses
it is almost like a pilgrimage smokers keep coming
and sit around smoking talking
I pull down my woollen cap my arms and back
feel the chill despite a thick sweater
despite a blanket and a four inch thick quilt
I roll my joints and smoke them alone
sometimes smoke them with others
I look at the hills and the valleys and the wooden houses
I look at the white peaks glowing in the sun
and talk about CCR and stained glass art with Michael from Norfolk
who’s going down the valley to another village for a party tonight
with his young Spanish friend
I talk about Bombay with Puneet and Manya from Kanpur
who’ve come here on a Bullet
Hash Heaven Manya says reading my mind as the joint passes on
to the four engineering interns from Delhi
and all the time I sip on ginger lemon honey
for my sore throat until on the last day it disappears
unlike the young Israeli girl’s pink laptop in a pink cover
found by the part time caretaker in the garden on a pink chair
she left behind last night because it was too dark
come again the guesthouse boys say to me as I pay them
what a scene I think how cool as I begin to leave the village
down the dung-clotted stone steps nodding to the smokers coming in.

Childhood the definition
Of destruction was engraved
An early grave leading to gray
It's meaning of oppression
Under the rants and raves
Splitting everything
separating nothing but two beds
Two lives held together by a child
Learning love in others
Watching what I never had
Family at times taking me I
White collar family
not having anything at all
Scattered from ego learning faith
From the earth that made us
From grandmothers love
Holding of different cultures
Mending and teaching
Till whipped away again
Learning self destruct
even by my own hand
Never understanding
Only by watching examples
Of the ones walking by I never knew
I'm rugged and worn
Though softly scorned
You've become a slave to your eyes
Making me a slave to your ego
Ashamed and loathed
Aloud you gloat ignoring my screams
Of leave me alone
You take a girl
with blood from her nose
Learning to heal wanting more
I've played crazy, am even flipped coins of what to write
Many at times where
From my heart but I as I stood and watched and my son as well
Helping with the pieces that fell
Has been around two
When you never knew
Some of you took in chime
As if I took the time
While luring make believe in others
Ruining my name
For the sake if an abusive brother
With paper trails of abuse
When children all but went insane
Since 1994 none of you
Not one man but one here
A little man has seen what we've been through
I was proud to experience life
For my first time and try
What everyone had done
As a normal day to day
Congratulations your point is proved
I hand all of you your imaginary game
Allowing your own brother to take the ring
As ashamed by your view
Of who you think
I may never be
Not one of you know me at all
But only one
Little man
And I miss my sons dates
His serenades, love letters to mamma, our pain only we know, a separation one by one you'll never know.
Unless you took the time
And this is not worth our time
I am ashamed in my self again
At having make excuses for the men
I've chose on my life
To cause much regret
This I will never tolerate again
I am drifting as my children
Are missing as we have
Not all been the same
This destroyed our lives
You are not men
Men knock on doors
With real names as did I
Once upon a time
Is now the end
Goodbye

Jose, I'm sorry I tried. Mom