Fourteen years old
and my life was a trap -
My ankle was caught
All red and ragged
In the jaws of an age-old machine
Designed to catch boys.
But there was a missing cog –
a little *****,
because there was a way,
(There was a way)
There was a way
to
get away…

College Library,
Domed and dark,
The silence disturbed by a bluebottle’s
Rumble
And the sly ticking of my own gold watch.
Oh! Getting high on the smell of
Other people’s universes,
Tissue thin and
Dogeared immortal -
Gotcha!
I’ve got 'em all!
You can’t contain me in these walls,
I can go an – y -where.

I can get drunk on Holden’s Highballs
Or Sebastian’s brandy,
I can weep at the grave of Ignatius Riley’s
Sexually inappropriate ****-fantasy dog,
I can neatly eat Prufrock’s peach
Or a dismal breakfast in a seaside caff
With Dallow and Spicer
And dear Rosaried Rose
With one eye on the sea and
Some lukewarm tea.
I can spend a season with my namesake,
Far away from Heaven,
And shake hands with Satan as he
Finishes a speech,
Wiping his mouth on a swollen
rock,
Hot as heaven and black as a leech.
I can walk that sheep on B612,
I can whip around the Second Circle
Of Hell
Or lock myself in a toilet
With Franny,
I can live in a garret with a garrulous ****** -
I can be East of Eden,
Wonderland,
I can die in Venice,
I can shoot soldiers in the sand,
I can lust after Lo – lee – ta
Tip of the tongue,
I can be a girl,
I can be a nun,
Blow into a conch,
Diffuse a bomb,
Digest my lunch,
Be a sub,
Be a dom,

I can sparkle here,
I can be free here,
I can just be here
And there are no rules here,

Just one boy
And a book
And a bluebottle
And a watch.

Aw dear -
What a flawed design for a cage!

Is there something important missing in my life?
Lately I ask myself that question almost every night
I don't know the answer and don't want to find out
'Cause what if it's true and I'm not ready for this hunt

These days I find myself thinking more about you
I thought you went away I thought you already left
But my mind keeps bringing you back to first row
Did you ever even know that you were my first love?

Thank you for letting me have your words in my hands
I wanted to ask you so many things after that last time
But the letter I gave you was my way to say goodbye
'Cause I knew that we'd no longer be crossing paths

Would you be my Princess Leia in a different life?
Can I take you to B612 when you're feeling down?
I heard you can be invisible and magical all at once
You were magic and my feelings invisible at that time

Do you still write on your journal on your way to class?
If you fall does he make you smile while you get up?
Didn't know you well yet you gave me so much to think about
A smile, a dream, a joke, those brown eyes that got me lost


Yeah I still write about you 'cause It's my only way out
I'm still trapped in my own mess and can't chase after you
From your freckles to your beautiful mind, I kept them inside
Saved in my memory like if you were the love of my life

See you another time in another useless fantasy of mine
Or try not to be on my mind sometimes when I wake up
Everything that happened in between then and now
It was just a distraction that I knew wouldn't be enough

You were right and I shouldn't have left so many times
Saved in my memory like your journals written in a rush