i always knew i would never be
"girlfriend material"

maybe the gods forgot to cut me carefully from the same cloth they doted out to everybody else

a thicker and more claustrophobic material

one that overheats and suffocates you

my mouth is a forest fire that ignites at the first sight of thunder ahead

other people use their words to heal and comfort their significant other while i'd always had a natural disposition of wielding my tongue as a freshly sharpened knife

i wanted to learn

i wanted to teach myself that in order to be in a relationship you have to treat the hardships like delicately gauzed wounds

changing them out every few hours and applying ointments to soothe and mend the broken flesh

but i don't know if it's because of my mother
who was never very nurturing
taking emotional withdrawals from me throughout my entire childhood

teaching me to cultivate my isolation and find comfort in my loneliness

i'd see the signs of her packing up her bags and departing from a mile away and the only survival method i knew was to let her go before she let me go, again
and again
and again
and again

i tried to mend myself for you
to be less broken down for you

i promised myself i'd be healthier and fight my depression like a true viking at battle

i knew i was never girlfriend material

i don't have the patience or understanding to learn how to nurture wounds

my natural instinct has always been to throw salt in them

to slit my throat and slit my throat and slit my throat until i bled out all of you entirely

it's not that i never knew how to love
but that i never knew how to love properly

caring too much and showing too little
displaying my fear of losing you with an anger that destroys everything in my path

instead of affection and vulnerability

my lovers never know if i love them
i display my feelings  in watered down sentiments that take shape in the way i allow my body to mold into theirs under bedsheets


the love i carry though, suffocates me
it drowns my internal organs
and floods the entirety of my body
leaving me speechless and incapable of articulating how i feel or why i feel the way that i do

in turn i appear cold to the touch
and that is how i knew i was never girlfriend material

i want to lay down on train tracks and sacrifice my body
again
and
again
until i get it right
but i fear it only leaves me in poorer condition than the last

i'm sorry i don't know how to love you properly
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

you see, i'm just not "girlfriend material"

What faces peered ...through
  window's pain
while cloudy skies above  ..
did reign
  Yet..shining bright..  under
circle moonlight
fled too many ..what was the count
hidden fast  from earthly
mount..silent wait.... as eons passed...
waiting for some college lass
to experience... splendor
in the grass

To hate someone
so fiercely,
To have been hurt
beyond conception,
And yet still
care?

Wanting to so badly
just smash my head
against the wall and
make it stop.

How could I still..
After all you did?
No better yet ..
How could you?!
How could you throw me out
So viciously?
Naked, broken,
Pregnant
Again.

With that sinister smile
on your face
As you enjoyed it.
Every step of the way.
Growing gayer
off of my sheer devastation.

There is no way I could still..
**** dear god why do I still..
No I dont still..
I wish I didn't still..
Love
You.

as we cuddle for warmth
I feel your heart beating

as our hearts meet
a fire burns within
melting away my fears