Your voice is soothing and low
The mild scent of your skin has slowly become a signal of safety
But your heart is beholden to the echoes of your past -
and I cannot allow myself the freedom to crash my weight
Into a body that houses a soul so listless

If only I could be the love you truly need
The one who holds you in just the right way
Who always says just the right thing

But the jagged edges of my form poke you in places far too tender
The pain persists on borrowed time -
and I’m just grateful for the chance to sit with you

I will love you for as long as I can,
In the ways that feel most comfortable
But I will let you go before you grow to hate me
Simply for the shape of my being

never been hit that hard
why am I so hurt?

no one cares
til someone pulls the trigger

forgotten words i did not write
speaking softly in the night
finding lovely ***** of light
hold them, slowly, til it's right

I choose strength
I choose love
I look forward
Not above

open heart
open mind
rising strong
seek what we find

each day i swallow
the white pills that remind me
where i've been

it's been hard to get myself to do anything but stare into the emptiness

my body is made of concrete
and my mind of cotton

my heart has been broken open once again
only by the will of my own differences

slice me down into my bitter sleep
where I meet demons through my eyelids

ive been cursing the wire mesh
blaming the cuts and time for my own confusion

no one wants to admit
we'd all rather lay in the sand

im a beach ball that deflated
and was left on the side of the road

It's different when
It's always

It's different when
You don't know why

It's different when
You can't eat

It's different when
You can't move

It's different when
You can't sleep

It's different when
You can't wake up

It's different when
It swallows you

It's different when
You're broken

It's different when
You no longer exist

If only I could keep it locked outside of me
If only it could cease to exist
If only I didn't have to scratch that
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
itch

If only I could swallow it
Dissolve it in my stomach
If only I could
KNOW for sure if I would or wouldn't

It is like an earwig
Creeping through my brain
I know my actions fuel it
But, oh, it drives me insane

If only I had control
If only I could see
That control is the only thing
That gives it power over me

you hit me like an ugly freight train
although i did see you in the distance
please don't judge me
i saw one sign,
but didn't believe it could be true

lost in a swirl of dark shadows
judgement judgement judgement
looking to the past and future and present
searching for proof for or against

my dark shadows test my body
who would think of this
i must be evil, gross, and wrong
suicide the only hope

watching water fowl swim
wish i could drown beneath
the algae pond in california
secret secrets i finally speak

pills, doctors, fears, hoping
but always sitting there
the thoughts that keep me tied to the sofa
staring at blank walls and stabbing myself in my mind

ocd is my deepest shame
i feel the tentacles reaching
my stomach turns at the ghosts that haunt me
resist the pull of falling in

eat me through the slippery sheets
there has only been between
something lovely, something sweet
something ugly, harrowing

i lost the stitch while you were screaming
sewing up the broken dreams
you were always somehow leaving
never looking into me

swirling faces in the cauldron
searching for their own disease
always scared that i might fall in
watching something i can't see

wishing wells and ugly women
somewhere humid and discreet
the old suitcase i was trapped in
when your teeth sank into me

i wish i could go
back to that time
when i didn't know
how bad it could get

when i thought that
being scared of people
was the worst i could feel
but i can be scared of myself

**** it all!
i want to say on a daily basis
but i can't follow through
i'm too attached to keeping the peace

it's a punch in the gut
a slap on the face
a knife in the eye

******* at the circumstances
******* up all the time
see me through your jaded eyes

i'm nothing if not scattered
spilling life and heartache over myself
eating garbage when no one is looking

look up to the sky and wish for a cloud
maybe if it rains we can all go home
but the sun is hot when you live where it's dry

leave me up to myself
and cut the heart out with a machete
but i could do no harm

flies and worms and butternut squash
**** me or i'll keep drowning
shoot me in the head like a dying bird

speak now
or i'll stop the movement
dripping, draining, drooling
my bones skip a beat
and fracture my heart
where the thought lies
between tongue and cheek
where i floss my teeth
where i'm meant to be

on my bedside table
a glass of water breaks
my blankets cover crumbs
i am swallowed like *****
i am lost like a bat with no eyes
echolocation be ******
i'm not moving
no matter how you'd like it

its a painful day
when you realize
all your love
has turned to resentment

love is the texture of cool whip
not the rocks you bruise me with
love is the taste of sweet honey
not making sure i think you're funny

love is a breath of fresh air - an honest cry
not revolving my life around a guy
love is a heart filled with anticipation
not constant need for validation

once we had all these good things
its strange i didn't feel them leaving
will i ever love you again?
or should i go back to freezing?

i have tried to heal myself
by burning and rebuilding
over and over and over
but
i am not  phoenix
i am a human
and when i am burned
it leaves a scar
that cannot may not ever be healed
and especially not by
ignoring its existence

i cant help but feel so rotten
when it's all in order

feeling like i deserve the
tug of war between
depression & mania

like my life isn't quite as interesting
at baseline

and it may not be
but at least i can stomach it
for what it truly is

i take a deep breath
& choke on the dirt
of the garden bed
we built last wednesday

i guess i could say that
the past few years have been
a testament to the pain that
all human beings face

but my tongue hates
the texture of gravel
and i cringe when i see
the way you look at me

thank you god
for ******* on my head
thank you for the pain
for the heartache and sadness
for the loss
for cutting me deeper & deeper & deeper

because now i know just how beautiful life can truly be
when i've showered
and smiled
and found something
and taken a rest
and tended to my wounds

dark twisted images fill my mind
but i know i am not of them

the world is a scary, scary place
if you're wearing the wrong glasses

the foamy taste of reality hits my tongue
i breathe the fresh air,  however hesitant

we walk through the park
the wind whips our faces

we talk about something
and laugh

and i'm grateful
and i'm sad
and i'm angry
and i

feel
way
too
much

but
- for once -
it's real

i
can
feel
sunlight

i
can
laugh
again

my greatest fear is judgement
but
if
someone thinks less of me
for loving myself enough
to take a pill that saves my life

they
can eat
****

i lost myself
trying to understand evil
and i still don't get it

i still would rather **** myself
than hurt someone innocent

i guess i can rest easy knowing that
i'm not a bad person

trusting that
i'll never be

and now i can return home
after an adventure through the
dark forest
and drink a cup of tea

too often i long for the past
but
my heart has always ached
&
my mind has always spun
&
i've always wished for another time

life was so much sweeter
when i thought you were gone
when i saw clearly the lines between
you
and
me

fuzzy stars grow between the black night sky
tears form behind my eyes

and i miss you
and i miss the love that grew
and i know it's still there
but i've tended to the weeds,
not the flowers

and i'm paying the price
and so are you

starvation,
and
loss.

Too many birds fly through my window
But I never close the **** thing

I'd love to have a spotless outlook
But the unfamiliarity with happiness
Has my heels dug into the ground

I want to say the perfect words
When you walk into my room at midnight
Finding my eyes wide opened
And four cups filled with salvaged tears
at my bedside

"Leave me alone"
Is all my foolish mouth can muster
As my heart yearns
for a long lost innocent love

But it's only instant gratification
that I'll ever be good at
So when you close that tired door
I am overwhelmed with pleasure
From the pain in my heart

The first day was
promised to be ours

but responsibility tore us apart.

your tongue tasted of
pabst blue ribbon
and regret

and I drank in
the time we never had

through a long glass neck
that I stole from my father

Our last summer
unbeknownst to us at the time
was riddled with fear of loss
and confidence in abandon

I never wished for you to leave
(I always knew I would)

But the sweet taste
of your tears

is far too much
like corona

and I can't handle
that kind of remembrance

so I lift the covers
off of our sweaty bodies

and drive "home"
with no good byes

meaningless tattoos
and fingers stained blue
with the hair dye I used
last night to spite myself
are this moment's triumphs.

a half full bathtub
with most of my body
above water
is all that is keeping me
from drowning.

symbols of my unfinished life
start closing in on me
until i convince myself
of artificial claustrophobia

"I never did anything to you"
is the cheap excuse tingling
on my slippery, fat tongue

But you never did anything to me either
and my teeth still
grind against each other
when I'm reminded
of your existence

We could have loved each other
if we met today
instead of six years ago
but I'm glad we didn't
because I don't want  to love you

my face is pink
with alcohol abuse
and a hot shower

i clumsily sit cross legged
on my counter
wrapped in a ***** towel

the familiar taste
of fermented wheat
tingles on my tongue

and i see no beauty in the world

the whole planet,
my whole existence,
has been a twisted illusion

my eyes take in random
collections of atoms and trick me
into believing in the material

but everything
is just a reaction
inside my mind

the love you profess
the taste of this beer
and the scent of my mother

they're all just
cruel jokes
i played on myself

It felt to wrong to listen to those songs with you last night.
We’ve both changed so much.
But I feel that I’ve shrunk
rather than grown.

When we first met I loved people
and hated myself.
Now those feelings have inverted
and I live in a constant state of bitter narcissism.

I miss the poems I used to write you
The ones that rhymed and were ignorant to pain
Written in neat handwriting
a parallel to how I saw the world.

And I still love you
I just don’t understand
how the same love can still exist
between two different people.

And it breaks my heart
that the boy who
made me avocado and peanut butter sandwiches
and took me on a picnic in his backyard
doesn’t exist anymore.

Just like I’m sure that
it breaks your heart
when you remember the girl
who would ride bikes to the park with you
after school on Tuesday afternoons.

I'm not sure if I'd rather
live in that world of innocent love,
or move our hearts forward
into an unknown territory
filled with the possibility of separation.

As I lay in my bed,
nothing on but my faded blue bathrobe,
my mind drifts to you
as it always does.
Your lips on my skin
our bodies so intertwined
that it is almost impossible to leave
an unbearably sweaty bed.
I'll never cease the dreaming
of your old T-shirts
peppered with holes.
And the khaki pants you wore
when we first met.
I'll never let this love fade
like the colors in my laundry
I'll hold these thoughts
deep inside
and where everyone can see.
I never want to have to forget
or to have to remember.
This love will always be
present.

I want to try
everything
but I am afraid
that I
am not worth my own time

i can't escape these frozen images
feeding instantaneously into my sight
of the people who i once would call on
now so happy together without me

i'll never understand how easy it is to love someone
who doesn't give a **** about you
but my ******* heart is so attached to these fiberglass mannequins
my veins pumping blood into them with nothing in return

maybe this is the universe telling me
that once and for all i need to leave this town
or maybe this is just my friends telling me
that once and for all i need to leave them the hell alone

suspended between two temporary homes
one swallowing me whole
and one,

it's been so long
it must be perfect

except for all the sadness
that has brewed inside
those deep crimson walls
where my bed no longer resides

when i break free of this
intoxicating city
i'll be thrown onto
air mattresses
and unfamiliar couches

but i will be happy
will i be happy?

i can never tell anymore
i don't remember just exactly
what this was all about

you lay in my bed
for the first time in weeks
and the first thing
you want to talk about
is the end

not what you ate for breakfast
or how you love
the way the my fingers look
holding onto your chest

not that you had fun
at the concert last night
and you liked the tea they served
in the cafe next door

not about how
your mom used to sing
"you are my sunshine"
to you every night

no none of that
you want to talk about how
in just a few months
everything we've built
will come tumbling down

how in just two seasons
our hearts will be
straining across state lines
to love each other

but i want to talk about
the way your hair
has been sticking out in tufts
ever since you shaved your head

i want to talk about
the way you
chew on your tongue
when you're about to fall asleep

they way your almond shaped eyes
close when you try to remember
what song your favorite
artist opened with

i want to talk about now
and here
and us
being

tangled pieces of fabric
are tossed throughout the bedroom
I've been stuck in since my fourth birthday.

I want to leave this city
but the streets are lined with us
and our memories

And your heart is here
and I know it will never leave
My heart longs to be with the ocean
beating simultaneously with
the waves against the sand.

My heart lusts after a dark green forest
not these gray streets
with air that glows a constant dusk.

But as long as you
are in this ******* town,
you are my ocean
and you are my forest.

Because my heart is dependent
our capillaries and arteries
intertwined
beating together
a constant rhythm between us

and i am scared to rip these tendons
i am scared of the blood that will be spilt
the tears that will fall
i am afraid to live without my heart

Last night you told me that
you don't want to go to school anymore
and i've never loved you more.
Your life is better than college
your life can grow past purchased
knowledge.
You are so full of light
and i would hate it to be contained
within mason jars.

I don't know if I'm sad about it
but I want to be there.
I want to be there when you get what you want
I know it will happen.
I want to be there when you don't
I want to be the one who helps you through.

I want to hold your heart in mine
until our lives decay

i've been dreaming a lot during the day
and less and less while i sleep
i've been thinking a lot about your fingertips
and the way that they're shaped like the end of a butter knife

i've been walking around my living room in circles at night
losing my mind somewhere between the sofa and the out of tune piano
i've been staring into the sun for hours in the morning
staying in bed and dreaming of daylight that never fades

i've been kissing your eyelids in my mind
while your eyes are open and laughing somewhere far from me
i've been humming the tunes of my past
now my bird is too and i'm afraid i'll never forget

snowflakes hung from the ceiling by string
melt into puddles on the floor
and
let fallen tears go unnoticed.

my eyes are heavy
my head is cloudy and sad
it was a long day

a thought so unseen

you'd think i'd be in the clear

i was so **** wrong

i only feel guilt
when there is guilt to be felt
but none inside me

pass me the blunt *****
what? am i not cool enough
just let me get high