how to not be selfish
how to love
how to walk away
how to stay gone
how to not care
how to not cry
how to live
how to breathe
how to die
how to stay dead
how to try harder
how to stop trying
how to get lost
how to be found
how to not feel alone
how to accept love
how to identify love
how to not die
how to not want to die
how to breathe
how to breathe
how to breathe

I don't want to be someone who's easy to let go of. I don't wanna be the lesson that everybody learns after they leave; i don't want to be the reason why they shouldn't have done their mistakes because, i know, there will always be someone they could treat fragilely. There will always be someone they could treat better - the way they didn't with me.  

I want to be the one who they could treat better. I want to be the correct one after every lesson and mistake.
But sadly - or thankfully, i'm not.
And now, people go run their lives to live them correctly, to pursue their loved ones because they know what they did was wrong; they learned a lesson.
And that is, sadly, because of me.
And i, god forbid, will always be the tutorial;
i will always be the lesson;
and i, will always be the perfect mistake.

That day I saw you again, after 3 years,
I should have walked away.
No I should have RAN away,
as fast as my legs would take me…
But I didn’t.
I was drawn to you once again.
And before I knew it I was brought back into your world.
Where we would spend lazy days laying in bed joking,
as if we never spent time apart.
I let myself fall for you.
With your beautiful brown eyes and lips that were perfect for kissing,
I yearned to be held in your arms.
But as much as I loved you,
you couldn’t love me.
I was willing to give you anything.
If you would please
just
            LOVE
                             me...
But love can not be forced
or demanded.
You did not love me.
I couldn’t understand why you didn’t care about me
and you couldn’t understand why I was hurt.
And there we stood,
at a standstill.
We were both there, but it was like we lived different stories.
I didn’t want to leave,
but I had to leave,
because the more I gave to you,
the more I lost of myself,
and I was almost disappearing.

They say, love is beautiful, enjoy the ride.
Well my ride is bringing me up and down,
And I feel so sick but I don't want to get off.
I don't want to leave.
I hope that the ride will get better,
But the lows are getting lower,
And the tunnels are getting darker.
And I'm holding on so tight that my knuckles are white.
I'm scared that if I let go, I will fall, and I will break.
The ride swipes the ground from under my feet,
And turns my world around and I'm lost in the mix.
What was once butterflies in my stomach,
Is now anxiety in my chest.
And as much as I want to stay on the ride,
As much as I hope that the ride will get better,
I know that it's time for me to get off.