you are  five minutes away
seven days a week
on the tip of my tongue
whenever i open my mouth to speak
you are my foil  and my conscience
together in one breath
you tell me to say no
and you want me to say yes
you are both a boy and a man
pretending and sardonic
the best thing that is worst for me
you are entirely ironic
i dont want to escape you
i didnt realize i was running away
until i ran right into you
thinking i was going the other way
directions switch meaningless
all i know is  i feel down lately
only because my face is wet
ive been crying evidently
you might know why having been my friend
you might know why having been my lover
you might know one of these has to end
but even i dont know one from the other
and maybe you kinda dont know either and
you read this so smilingly
and maybe you kinda understand
and that tear feels just perfectly
like my fingers slipping down your cheek
like they did that rightwrong day
like the salty taste of my mouth across teeth
under the green&white; doorway
i will think about that twenty seconds
until i see and see and see you again
wishing for twenty more last impressions
a song singing its refrain

you are a hedonist
selfish, you say
owing nothing
to no one
i agree, smiling,
because i watch you
not watching me
and it is my pleasure
that you do not care
until after
and even then
it is questionable

admittedly,
i am a *******
this way
looking to you for
what by nature
you can not give me
and with envy
as you give it to yourself

the more time i am there
and the more time i am not
i become unconvinced
of my easy complicty
my promises
my integrity
and before long
all too soon, in fact,
i am on the other side of up again

i am much like you
pleasure in pleasure
but without stamina
i can not maintain
seeing thru myself
being seen thru
not being seen at all

departing again
you knew i would
my kind, you said,
in jest
but there seems to be
honesty in everything you say
this is how you are not selfish
giving truth away

it matters that
i hold your hand
carefully in mine
feel wanted and feel like
i can walk away being
wanted at anytime
it matters that this hurts you
the chosen things that i do
turn on a dime
drop of a hat
whim of mine
curiosity...cat


the rest of you hapless muse
torturing my senses
beckon me to use you
constant and relentless

i stand here anonymous
a statue in a crowd
daydreaming oblivious
but for your shape shift in a cloud

the city would dizzy me
if i stopped to notice it
but nothing knocks me off my feet
harder than how soft you hit

i am destined to drift north
leave your true aim behind
my heart and hands grey and die off
when you finally give away what was mine

because i can not go on each day
knowing how much of you is left
to inspire someone else this way
another good, another better, another best

but i seem to go on writing
maybe restless, or out of doubt
maybe out of resentment, or spite
to get the rest of you out

i dont remember what i didnt say to you
what i shud have sed
what you told me i forgot to
do
and eventho after the fact
i believe you
looking back
i wish i had the choice to
be right or wrong so that
i wuddnt  have waited so
******* long to apologize
or remember
the look in your eyes
the last time i saw you
or the sound of your voice
on the receiver
your hand and mine
doing the same thing
at the same time
at some point we were both crying
i dont know about you
but i think this admission
is long overdue
you probly wud say thats an understatement
or something actually more clever
and you wud be absolutely right
again as ever
and i wud smile and laugh in spite
of how bad i feel
because i totally ****** you over
when i claimed to be your friend
oh it was so beautiful the way
i did such a hateful thing
to love you and disappear all in one day
despite my pride
my promises to you
your shredded insides
i cuddnt say one thing and do
the same
god forbid i be constant
or have integrity
i am mad at myself
maybe enuff for both of us
but if not
please take this chance
to tell me off

only if you promise
to play with me, then,
only if you swear
you will stay with me, is when
i will let you  in

such fun, such sharing
you will treat me like
a brand new toy
until you become bored
like every other boy

the novelty wears off fast,
pretty and new is not good enuff
playfulness turns to violence
to fodder your adrenaline rush

your promises take on new meaning
confusion between what is scandal
and what it is  i think i can, am supposed to, handle
is it demeaning or am i bad-dreaming,
i can handle it, i can handle it
i cant handle it anymore
and then i
wake up alone broken on the floor

didnt you ever learn to be
polite at the very least
and pick up after yourself before you leave
its not like theres much left
of the mess you made of me,
accept for heartbreak bleeding thru my sleeve

good bad girl. fight like a boy. tsunami driftwood. raincloud no silver lining, where lightning strikestwice. bare feet hot cement. kidnapped girl in the polaroid. let me check my schedule. curiosity...cat. eggshells. prescription candy. thru the looking glass. holden red hunting cap. tyler/jack. why ophelia never learned to swim. hold my scissorhands. Drucilla. natural disaster. scartissue love tattoo addiction pain dissociation association. carrie bradshaw's evil twin. holly-go-lightly meets courtney love. wednesday adams grows up. marla singer's song. bad dreamer. caufield's *******, cobain sympatico. makes sid viscious look tame, e. edward grey esq.& miss. holloway synthesis. the white rabbit. igby. anti-heroine, captain jack's sparrow. temptation/seduction/truth cliffhanger. ticking sleep bomb, roman candle(lit). spilled milk guilt. poppy field dreamer. cafeconleche. waternymph/siren/pixie, hideandseeker. riotgrrlchild. fallen angel-demons beware. blindfoldedandbound,if swallowed contact doctor immediately. good veins. contagious, mixedbreed badmanners. moodswinger. shadowboxer. wrong side of the tracks. superlowrisepunkass. theonemamawarnedyouabout, chaoscalamity&charisma;, irresiatible&incorrigible;, neverlearnedmy lesson. kneehighs and runners thighs. handlewithcare. klepto-crinalin and hypno-medicine, tomboy/schoolgirl. skeptickeyebrow. *****-flirty. cherrybombpocketpacker, hardcandy. sociopathsister. victim of my own past. hunter/hunted. bootstrap-trapped. is that my blood? just a minute while i reinvent myself.

i’d like to meet:  
everyone i have forgotten and everyone who has forgotten me

she would cut me
a line in a poem
cut me smilingly
a slow walk home

careful scars
bring me here
each inflicted
each revered

she passed me the knife
commencement  torch
the source of all liberty and lies
the source of all source

but the freedom was false
tho the blood was true
this was not escape at all
this wound i was born into

bleeding all the time
arms and wrists a mess
wear that lineage girl of mine
wear it like a dress

she sed as she walked away
disappearing as i came into view
forgetting her daughter wud stay
behind and learn to forget her too