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Sadie Oct 2015
Something happened last night.
You had a lot of moments of vulnerability.
of openess you normally don't show.
I tried to memorize every detail,
the way you sighed,
how I could almost hear the shuddering of memories,
your voice as I kept you awake
softly sweet and gravelly with that sad undertone.
An instance represents best is when
I said I'd go in all black if you wanted me to be badass,
your hand traced patterns as you chuckled softly
and said "only for a funeral"
I tell you I've never been to one.
there's a beat of silence then I ask you.
you sigh as you say "too many"
normally you'd brush it off
but your voice told me you were exposing yourself to me
You sound older than possible for the
twenty year old go-getter smiling boy
you show everyone else.
There's so much more to you
that nobody can see.
I love being the one to know.
He's my mystery.
Copyright @ Sadie Whitney
  Oct 2015 Sadie
dex
Were you silent the day he left?
He'll crush you, but at least you'll feel something...
                  at least you'll feel something...

I've come to the conclusion that nobody's actually in control anyway.
We all want to be, but none of us are.
And if you think about it,
The comparison of people to mirrors and windows,
Well...
We aren't either.
We are opaque and non-reflective,
And what you see from the outside
Rarely scratches the surface of what's inside.
And I saw the moon in shades of red tonight,
And stupidly mistook the color as blushing.
But then the realization struck that it was fury;
The moon was furious with the sun
For his constant indecision,
For his periodical love for her,
For the ease with which he would change his mind...
The thunderstorms are continual these days,
And I know it's cliché,
But it really does rain all the time.
The rolling sighs of the water against the windowpanes inside my mind
Have become a habitual dance
With footwork as intricate as any fire and ice rose,
Any tango or waltz,
And nothing has really felt like this before,
               but at least I feel something...
At least you'll feel something...

I just want to feel alive again.
Make me feel alive.
Can you even hear my screams?
I know six feet under is too deep to ask,
But could you try to listen?
Can you hear the divorce that didn't happen because of us kids?
Can you hear the bitter resentment in every exchange?
Can you hear your fingers combing through my hair in my dreams? Your lips on my forehead? Your heartbeat underneath my hand?
Can you hear the anger he spits at us everyday?
“I didn't want you two to grow up in a broken home.”
But we have. Just not in the traditional sense.
Can you hear the sound of ***** pouring over ice?
Can you hear the television so loud I have to close my door to think?
Can you hear the mascara stains on every pillow in the house?
Can you hear the distance between each member of this "happy family"?
Can you hear the regret?
Can you hear the bitterness?
Can you hear the frustration?
Can you hear the solitude?

Can you hear it?
Of course not.
I've learned by now that no one hears a silent goodbye.
  Oct 2015 Sadie
Shadow Paradox
~•~
My truth memory
Is scattered
Like diamond roses
Wilted inside-
Crystallized fairy tales
Red riding hood kisses
Skullish smiles
Come to whistle
Their dead lullabies and
Musical cherry tops
White witches
Pen corpses
Mutilated whispers
Hyena cackles
Stir the magic batter
Of dying hopes
Sip on lonely dreams
Eat life with the
Honey bee
~•~
A little something for the beginning of October ~
Sadie Oct 2015
Your questions
(and my own)
plaque my mind.
You're asking me
for the answers.
Answers, I may not have.
But feelings, I do.
And I've been known to wear
my heart on the sleeve.
I can feel how your eyes search me,
constantly reading me.
(it scares me how much you see)
I turn to you
hoping to reflect your spotlight
onto yourself.
But your shadows hide the darkness
you don't want me to see.
I'll wait.
My eyes can adjust to this
lack of light and one day
One day, I will see.
Semi ironical/juxtaposition because darkness is associated with night.
But one "day" I will see.
I will figure him out.
Copyright @ Sadie Whitney
Sadie Oct 2015
What if death was white, instead of black,
as it is so often portrayed?
Just white.
Much like this paper.
Not the kind of white where it looks like
a bright light white,
but just plain white; there is no light.
"A light shone through the whiteness
of the haze I had been laid to rest.
It surrounded me, but did not light the way.
What was this?
It was not the fabled heaven or hell.
I guess this is where souls go after death.
What are souls even?
Are they a spirit or ghost-like thing?
Are they the conscious or conscious-ness of one's mind?
Were they a person's valued morals?
Why are people the way they are?
I mean, is it predetermined,
or just the way we're raised?
I don't really know,
I guess I'll never know."
Feeling introspective. 2013 me was interesting.
The quotations were me thinking "out loud."
Copyright @ Sadie Whitney
  Oct 2015 Sadie
Sia Jane
Something always sends me back to that town.
I never know what I'm looking for
or why I always take the same road.

There's something in the journey
in seeing the same path ahead of me
only changing for the seasons
it's continuity, it's endurance,
it teaches me great strength.

She died in the fall. Now autumn leaves
cover the gravestone.
That October I planted seeds in the grass
surrounding you
pink peonies brought themselves to live life
two years later
it is as though they knew a grieving period
could only bring me acceptance.

I too, had to develop rooting in my new home
grow my own foliage, of sorts-
to find a way to protect me from the frost.

In those days of cold darkness, where my body
is frozen ice incapable of moving,
waiting to wake up, I would listen
to the last voicemail you left me.

You were by the sea on your morning run,
telling me again, as only you could,
how you loved the winter months closing in on us;
"There's a bright blue sky, the sun so low & hazy
the migrating swallows look like they're chasing its rays,"
you say.

It is those snap shots carrying me
through the days I'm victorious over,
which bring me into blossom.
I remember, nature trusts its processes.
It trusts the seasons bringing change.
It teaches me, again, great strength.

© Sia Jane #76
18/9/15
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