except you called me names and slapped me hard and it didn't feel like making love

except for when we kissed and suddenly i was drowning

you're ******* other people and i'm trying to pretend like that doesn't bother me
he hurts you when he ***** you and you come curl up in my arms for safety so how can you tell me he loves you more

or that you love him

we made love again

even if it was angry and rough
we still made love
over and over and over again

every time you looked at me

i made love to you with the lights on and called it a poem

every line was just the way i touched you like you meant something to me
fingertips tracing patterns between your freckles raised by the tiny hills of your cheekbones

how many different ways can i relate you to a flower blooming?
your legs stretching open at the touch of my lips

you can't imagine the way brown eyes look in the light if you haven't seen them for yourself

she does not taste like you

she tastes bitter with anger
and she’ll never say she loves me

but something about the way she kisses me
makes me think it’ll be okay

i've never been one
to leave the lights on

i don't know
what it is i'm hiding from

but i'm not afraid anymore

I'm only afraid of waking up alone

TW: suicide is not the answer
but strangely enough
right now i can't exactly recall what the question was

so maybe that's just how we'll do it tonight


TW: i stopped cutting when i was sixteen but then my best friend ***** me and i slit my wrists wide open when i woke up still high off the roofies she gave me
so actually
i stopped cutting when i was seventeen

and that's only because i met ******
and she taught me a different kind of numb


TW: i'm 170 pounds again and i think about throwing up every time i see a picture of myself or look in the mirror
and i wouldn't want to puke so bad if i could just stop eating but i can't even do that

so tally that one on the list of things i hate about myself


TW: it wasn't enough that i was a ******
i had to be a ******* "******" too

which is funny because despite what everyone keeps saying i really don't want to be a boy at all
i just want you to stop associating the word female with feminine
and stop expecting me to do my eyebrows or care about how my **** look in the shirt i'm wearing


TW: suicide is never the answer

but i'm just so **** sick of being sad
and feeling like i am suffocating but wishing that i actually was

It's 2 a.m. And I'm high for the first time in I can't remember how long and you're asleep in our bed and baby we're home and I'm not afraid of anything

i. you did not taste like your promises
not like "forever" or "i love you"
you tasted like desperation and old cigarette smoke
and i do not know which one i liked more

and my driver spit dip and asked me about my life
things she probably doesn't even know about me
Which is fine
she was undressed before I took my boots off
she waved goodbye from the door of her apartment while her nicotine hands traced every curve from her pink lace lips to the dip where her thighs meet

I have only ever described myself as hungry when it comes to her
And she is the only girl I could ever wish to devour
Completely

how could I live with myself waking up beside her bones
fractured and splintered under the weight of I Love You's that only last until the next mating season starts

And I've been trying for so long to forget the way her palm lights my skin on fire but she told me that I had soft lips like she has never memorized this mouth of braile
like she doesn't already know what I feel like against every inch of her

She sent me home in an uber
and I'm an idiot for letting her convince me I could be safe here

I'm scared
almost all of the time of almost everything

I haven't felt at peace since a lot of things went down
and I'm still learning to live through that

I wouldn't write about it if it didn't still hurt

relapsing after being clean for any period of time is trying
and almost all the time I take it too far

being in the city scares me
I am terrified of running into old ghosts

and being with you scares me too
because I am convinced good things are not meant to be
but I'll be ****** if I give up just because it's scary

I CAN'T STAY CLEAN LONG ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT YOU
*******
I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAD AND YOU BLAMED ME WHEN I WAS ******* EMPTY
YOU TOOK EVERYTHING *******

I don't know which means more,

that it's been five months since I counted out the grains of salt it would take to get me through my next dry spell well enough to get out of bed..

or that it's been at least two months since I even thought of pin ***** needle point as an escape from ...well, anything

she came and left in these late months, when the sun sets too early and the night stretches on for days

and the night really does seem to last an eternity on evenings like these, when I am missing you so deeply

I found new love, mom, and she doesn't make me feel small for wishing you were still here
and she has the most beautiful heart, and you would smile if you saw us together

she is so gentle, ma, she holds me with so much kindness and I know you would be so proud of me for finding love in someone who has just as much to give back to me

I could never feel empty pouring myself into someone who spends so much trying to fill me back up

I wish you knew her, ma
I wish she got to know the warmth I come from

it's not fair that you didn't get to see me turn out happy
after so long watching me struggle though pitch black nights,
you deserve to get to see your baby alive in the sunlight

mouth full of broken teeth
no wonder I don’t smile like I use to

I can’t feel you on me
and I’m dying for a reminder that you’re still here

I miss you
I stopped having nightmares a long time ago and now I’m just trying to remember what it was like to dream
my chest is heavy and I’m so sorry I couldn’t love you right
Please don’t leave

****** isn’t scary anymore
and neither are the withdrawals

I’m not afraid of anything except losing you

I swear it's nights like this
(I threw out my NA chips)
And I've had a few too many sips
And I can feel the weight of your heart shaped lips
Pressed against my eyelids

I've been trying to fall asleep for four months
Afraid to forget the way your eyes traced every inch of my fragile being before walking away for the last time

I know I look terrible in green
Rather be draped in this pale skin and
You
Always you

The last time we slept together I almost died when I had to pry myself from your arms
Or my arms from around myself
Or whatever makes the most sense in saying
I have missed you every moment since then

I don't drink anymore because I still don't eat and I can feel the alcohol tearing holes in my insides
And that's already your job
And you're so ******* good at it

I've been trying to plug these holes and their frayed edges with anything that sounds like the way you laugh when you're nervous

So what I mean is
I'm a liar
I drink until I feel light headed but never drunk so I know exactly what I'm saying but I have every excuse to pretend not to

When I'm pleading with the way you swear you'll never stop loving me
And I've seen you naked in the last two months since I've been home
And that would almost feel like a victory

Except

When I'm working
I have to hold my breath sometimes because I'm so scared of what I'd have to say to you if you ever walked in our front door to make you leave

Because watching you sit with in arm's reach might actually be the final death of me

And that would be a miracle

I talked to an old ex of mine about tiny magics and how mine is never dying no matter how hard I try

No matter how many words like bullets you shoot into my temples
No matter how many needles dipped in poison you watch me then dip into my veins
No matter how many times I tear out all my guts so I can hand you my heart again
And no matter how many times you leave it on ***** street corners in the rain

Do you remember how you would kiss my fingertips and how softly we would hold each other as I ran that blessed holy water of a hand down to the small of your back
Do you remember what your name sounds like in my voice

Do you remember
What it was like
Holding my blood red heart
in your hands

-sometimes I think about telling you how I imagine your lips taste like coming home
sticky from the **** beer you drink at 3 a.m.
but then you mention her
and I remember you could never want me

the blood in my mouth
tastes like the way you use to tell me you love me

feels more like
closed fists

I wasn't kidding when i said you spit ******* acid
I can feel all of my humanity melt away
along with the skin off my cheeks

tell me how much you miss me

I make myself sick with the way i don't love you anymore

I hate the way you grab me like you've got something to prove

the blood in my mouth
tastes just like you

you still make appearances in my dreams
but only to taunt me with the parts of you I can never have
and I wake up tasting blood on my lips instead of you
and my chest feels tight
and ****
do I need you

this is my formal apology

I never wanted to believe I was in the wrong
like my actions were justified
like what I said was justified..

but as your lover
there are things I should not say
and I am sorry

I am sorry because I know I was the one that drove you away
I am sorry because you looked for love in someone else
and you found it

when you left I thought I would never recover
you are the girl I wanted to marry
and I am the reason you’re gone

I am sorry that I was cruel
I am sorry that some nights I refused to hold you when I know
that’s all you needed

but most of all
I am sorry that I spent months searching for the Exit Signs
because now that I’m out
I only wish I knew how to get back inside

this is my formal apology

I am sorry you regret me
but I understand why

keep day dreaming of girls i've never met kissing smack into my wrists
i'm ready for something ******* lethal
and love poems aren't the same as saying i like the way you **** me like i owe you something
you're dangerous
and i swear

nothing tastes like you

i am completely vulnerable to your bite. i love the way your teeth pinch at my skin, it reminds me of the way a needle feels in the crook of my arm. and i hope it ******* eats you alive, knowing i will never love you like salt in my veins

2. boys like skinny girls
and i'll never weigh more than i can buy in dope
i cannot remember the last time i ate

3. i am completely vulnerable to your bite
and the way your lips wrap around the word "******" like that is the only way you could describe me

4. what i cannot do in dope i will make up for in any way that deteriorates the light in your eye when you look at me

5. i will look you dead in the face and tell you i love you as i steal forty dollars from your wallet

6. it's been three years and she still says "i love you" when we hook up
i don't say it back this time because i can't remember the last time i meant it

7. my hands are always shaky
except when tapping the end of a full rig

8. i started stealing money after my mom died

9. you will still tell me i am a good person until the day i cut out your heart and sell it for dope money

10. i will never ******* love you like salt in my ******* veins

i feel sick and the room feels like it's spinning and i can still taste you on my lips

my sister thought you were the sweetest girl until she heard you broke my heart but she still can't imagine you breaking mugs against my head so maybe you're not all bad

when i think about the family i'll never have i still think about waking up beside you and i still know exactly what to say to help you when your bad days come to get you and so maybe we're both not so bad but we're not all good either

and that's why i sleep with your ghost instead of you and that's why when the bad days come my voice gets swallowed up in fear and that's why today i don't feel so great

i didn't mean goodbye when i said it i only meant until to tomorrow

where are you

fire hungry
ate up all the gasoline

our spark died fast(er than you'd believe)

How can

I ever

Get you to understand.. I

Have never felt so

you deleted every reminder of me off of your Instagram
the pictures of us on your graduation day
prom
our anniversary

I wrote you a love poem to commemorate three years
of falling head first into empty photo albums

I still have the picture of you the day we started dating
the day you drew me a tiny snail while you searched for the courage to ask me for my blood red heart

I remember when your hair was blonde
and brunette
when it matched your eyes
with small streaks of honey gold
like firefly trails in the dark

still have the pictures of your swallowed pride
my sweet girl
what weren't you willing to trade for the nights we fell asleep in each other's arms

you deleted every reminder of me from the poems you wrote
patted over our matching scars with foundation that didn't match your skin color
they are blotchy like the letters you wrote me
stained in tears and too many "almosts"

but I still catch you standing at the door of my gate
outside my castle made of tomorrows
not quites
but I know they are coming

just like you

I am made up of thousands of tiny cracks in composure

I have a scar on my right wrist from a pair of handcuffs, when a cop was a little more than cordial with me
I've got at least two from running face first into counter tops or door frames..
I could name four off the top of my head that my ***** ex girlfriend left me, they look like shaky trails on a treasure map. maybe her excitement got the better of her, but I got her best..and worst
I've got a constellation of pin ****** across my shoulders of acne scars that'll never heal right after my seventh trip to lockup
And now that I've gained and lost my full body weight in five months, I've got three dozen pretty pink stretch marks I'm afraid won't ever turn white

And I guess besides that I have whole novels written down my sleeves.
Most of my arm doesn't even look like an arm anymore
And the only good I can say about that is, I was 17 the last time I had to cover up my "mental health days" with bright blue mickey mouse band aids
that's four years of wearing my wrist band that reads "I have healed now"
My patchwork is messy, I have to admit, but it holds together nicely

And now that they're all just gentle interruptions..nothing gory or too scary to see..I wear my own skin so comfortably
I'm not proud of the disaster I left on my own body, but I'm not ashamed that I made it out alive either.

"I have healed now" but I was there when you burned your own house down to try to feel warm again, and it's been four years but I remember the way that cold touched my bones, I wear this scrapbook of knife work so you know that the good days are coming, one day they will only be scars, one day they will only be memories
even if it takes time

I want to make love to you not this stupid pity **** trying to convince ourselves this is ok
I hate this I hate seeing you
I want to kiss you I want to be consumed by you
I'm so sick of pretending this is ok I hate this

heart beat. no air. empty lungs. breathe slow. don't move. heart beat. blue lips. heart beat. dial tone. pick up. pick up. sirens. no air. dial tone. voices. empty lungs. no pulse. pick up. pick up. 911. over and over. again. again. again. "I'm sorry". heart beat. needles. short breaths. come on.

teenagers run when they get scared.

he's just a boy. heavy pulse. blue lips. why.

why why why why why

sirens. "I love you". sirens. "I'm sorry". sirens. "I'm leaving now". sirens.

he's gone.
knock knock. "open up". "police".

Isn't it such a relief that I can show up 40 minutes early to work every single morning because
I'm not out chasing my next high 10 minutes after I roll out of bed

What an achievement that when I hide in the bathroom nobody misses me because
1) I'm not even on the clock and
2) I'm not spending 20 minutes figuring out which of these abused veins will take my ******* with out talking back to me

Doesn't it **** that I'm here again
On these tiled floors
Cold and sick to my stomach
But at least this time my heart's still beating! And every one notices the bright blue tattoo on my forearm before they ever mention the needle point I've been sewing into the crook of my elbow for three years

And it's sad sad sad that I can almost see the look on my best friend's face when she pried my lifeless body off of these same ****** tiles

But today I'm just wishing I was
I'm not really high these days
So at least it's not that

CHILDHOOD ON MY TONGUE

looks so much like
-red cargo shorts and
-slit wrists long before 13

she, my white girl, smells just like
-bourbon
-and we figured out why everyone calls me MIckey
-cigarette smoke
-and drenching my house in gasoline

actually
I think ******* might be kind of bitter
or you are
it's kind of hard to tell when you kiss me after every line

I do know this
I love you both

and it's killing me

I’m going to marry this girl one day, and here’s why

she has shown me that she’s not willing to back down from a fight
when things get tough she gets tougher and we deal
she pays attention to small details and works to show me every day that she thinks about me constantly and that this will never only be one sided
when I told her I was an addict she applauded my good days and she stood by me in my bad
and when I told her I was scared I’d relapse again she bought Narcan and stayed up to measure my breathing
I have never for a second had to doubt whether or not she would be there because she always is

And I will spend the rest of my life trying to show her that her love was not in vain

I got sober to prove a point
that the only thing that really kept me high was the way you taste at 4 o'clock in the morning
when the sky is darkest and there's no light left in my eyes

I got sober and my PO checks up on me when I don't answer my phone because I still don't show up when I'm supposed to because I'm busy daydreaming about how waking up dead would feel

Maybe because I'm honest with her

Told her how your fists were sculpted by your father's drug addiction
And the way your mother left him

I tell her about the nights my fingers wrap around the softer parts of you
The way in which I reminded you of the boy who ***** you
So it's no surprise when you finally started fighting back

I tell her what your blood looks like running down the crook of your arm
Or the inside of your thighs

I tell her you could never really love me except from a distance
Because I have always been made from razor blades and ****** needles
Too sharp to touch
Never soft enough to hold

What's it like falling asleep beside a ghost?

I can't wake up anymore
WITHOUT WANTING TO PUKE

and my house is haunted
by a dead boy still walking

and he says that he's sorry


but I still can't breathe

so I'm starting over

packed up everything with your name tattooed on it
and set it on fire
and I guess that means pieces of myself too..

so like a snake shedding its skin I don't want any reminders of you

I threw away my favorite jacket.
the black one
because it's the first thing you ever saw me wear
and when I look too closely at it I can see the way your hungry eyes ate up all the air between us
and I have never been sweet enough for you to devour

so I bottled up all my love magic
like a molotov cocktail
and watched it crash into the building where we met
the hallways that spelled out "eventually"
and "maybe this time we might get it right"

I'd burn out my bloodstream like gasoline
if it meant I could erase your handprints from around my heart

you exist in every corner of my life
the shadows in the peripheral of my line of sight
it's a shame that flames leave scars too and that's the only way I can think to get rid of you

but I'm getting used to the heat

this is a feeling I thought I had almost forgotten

I haven’t felt this numb in months

this is why i stopped smoking so much

turned to a drug that at least made me feel something

I’m sick of biting my lip until it bleeds

I’m sick of having to remind myself that I am still real

my whole life all i’ve known is silence
shut up. get up.

don’t open your mouth
don’t close your hands

don’t make him think you’re fighting back
don’t you dare fight back

quick tongue don’t mean nothing
‘less ya got hands just as quick

in my house
threats are met by fists

and you can pray all you want
cause in this house
words don’t mean ****

unless you’re soft..

but belts and beatings never hurt as bad
as my daddy sayin’ he’d rather be dead..
than wake up every day with me as his kid

And you don't talk to me like you used to
I wonder if you still write about the boy who ***** you
and do you think that gives Him power or
You?

and you've settled somewhere you feel like you belong
but half of my bed is still in the shape of you so really
what I meant

was when are you coming home
because nothing feels like home when you're gone

the sun is hazy, dripping in behind the curtains
I am scratching wooden table tops, sorting bits of us into piles of each other
you'll take my lazy smile, I'll have your small hands curled into anatomically incorrect hearts
you are lying in waves against my mattress on the floor, one leg is wrapped around and around and around my waist as I work huddled over my wooden table top
the brown or beige fingerprints that determine who we will become when they set into the pores of our skin, marking the traits that belong to us alone, are unevenly built into sand castles
I speak as quickly as the sound of razors against the divets in my wooden table top, "a one night affair with her won't change how I love you, and I am desperate to know what she feels like under my skin"
you do not whisper but nearly scream the distaste in the idea of another woman in my veins, where you have been memorizing the paths to my fingertips
the plastic straw that brushes the edge of my nostril is striped, looks just like my left arm, instead of spotted like your upper thigh
I laugh too harshly and agree to stay to the quieter things
you convince yourself to believe me

the first time I cheat on you with a mistress sharper than the way you spit my name out of your teeth these days
I'm in the parking lot down the street from our house
the backseat of a blonde boy's blue SUV
I use an alcohol wipe, sterile needles and a cotton ball
I measure the water to poison ratio so that I know that it will not **** me
when I get home we lie in the grass in front of our apartment and watch the sun, it's hazy, or I'm just high
I hide the pin ***** under the ******* my watch and listen to the hands tick away the orange in the sky until it is dark

the last time
I am at a stop light on the way to your house, we're going to a meeting together
but I hurt so badly my teeth chatter as I pull with them the head band above my elbow
I pour a cap full of poison into my chemistry project and mix in enough water to watch it melt
I tear the filter out of my cigarette and count to three before pulling all of the dripping amber sunset into a needle that costs the rest of my sanity
I say your name in my head three times, can't find a vein, won't register, I never liked roses anyway
when she kisses me it is almost like saying goodnight
her voice sounds so much like yours and then I see you
piling into the backseat of my silver pick up truck
I whisper that I love you the most
you convince yourself to believe me

When you asked me not to leave
it sounded more like a plea
tastes desperate like

You couldn’t take someone else walking away
at least with me it wasn’t lead through my brain

I walked

but my feet are tired and there are holes worn in the soles of my shoes
everything feels heavy

it wasn’t just you I was walking away from

it was everyone after you
it was the girl next door who swore she loved me even when I wasn’t ******* her

it was calm voices and steady hands that never tried to hurt me
but I kept walking

now
I don’t know the difference between a loving embrace and a cold fist

you changed me
I am not a calm voice and steady hands

I am a tornado
pushing past everything in my way
sweeping her off her feet just to lay her in the rubble

I am a storm
and the only quiet that comes after
comes after I am dead

When you asked me not to leave you held open the door

and maybe I was the one pleading

like I tried to tell you I could fix it
we could fix it
give me a chance to show you
I know I tasted too desperate
and maybe that’s why you wouldn’t even kiss me goodbye

you deserve someone who kisses you like they want to fall in love
not like they just want to ****

that’s my problem
I always wanted to fall in love
it looked so beautiful
the way the other poets wrote it
and just thinking of what you tasted like ..sober
but I’ve tasted you with shots of brandy
you do not taste as sweet as your promises
****
the brandy burned sweeter than you
I wanted to feel you on me
hear “I love your lips on my hips
the way your fingertips knew exactly where to go
like following the edges of a map”
but not “I love you”
the thing I so often heard
and heard myself say

you are more toxic
than the drinks I use to
chase you down

I just want to ****
I just want to ****
I just want to-
******* look so beautiful tonight
not nearly as poisonous
and even your “**** me” didn’t taste as bitter

when you left
I took it with shots of brandy
it didn’t sting like your hand against my cheek
and it felt warmer than you ever did
emptied the bottle into tall glasses
tall like you
I always wondered what you tasted like
sober
maybe like you wanted to fall in love
but your brandy lips sounded like you just wanted to ****

the universe doesn't recognize your suffering
and my dead mother doesn't care that I am bleeding
or that I am empty, save the sadness in my throat
BUT IF SHE WERE STILL ALIVE
she'd sit me up on the counter next to the sink
and pour peroxide on my skin knees
(that I got the moment all the air left my body all at once and I came crashing into reality)
no, if my mom were here
she's wrap me up in all the blankets in the house
and make a fort out of the couch
and give me glasses of ginger ale
because it's supposed to help with stomach aches
but it's my heart the's hurting
so how do you remedy this situation?
because I don't remember the last thing you said to me, Mom
and afterall
it feels like I will bleed for an eternity

And then I met you,
My ****** Queen

My too sick to sleep
Ode to bad dreams

I swear, ******* NEVER MEANT A THING TO ME
as long as you say you want me too..

and baby I know you  do
you kissed me so sweetly
never left a mark on me

made it easy to convince you weren't nearly as toxic
woke up after every death scene

you changed everything

I am too critical about the smallest things
it’s not hard to set my blood to boil
but I’m a short burst before I’ve forgotten where the anger came from

My girlfriend is the most gentle human I have ever met
she never wants to agree on little things, like how to spend the afternoon because she always wants to do something better (together) she loves quality time that includes physical affection and I’m probably The most hands off lover she could have picked
But I’m tryin to get better about it for her

She’s all early mornings and Extravagant dates
She and I are total opposites in more than one way

But she is the most incredible person I have ever known and I wouldn’t change a **** thing about her if I could

i think i’m dying
and i don’t know if i should be scared or.. relieved maybe?
i think i’ve been waiting for this to happen
for a long time

it’s terrifying that i really don’t feel anything
i never thought i’d go back to slitting my wrists but i needed to know this was real
i needed to see blood i needed to know that i am real
i don’t know if i’m real and i think that scares me

everything seems.. distant
and i don’t know if it is because i am still so in love with her or
if it is because i swallowed too many pills but
it’s like i can’t quite reach anything

it isn’t empty yet
but i think i am
i’ve felt so empty for so long..
and i use to feel everything

and i don’t know which i prefer
at least now my head is quiet and my heart is soft
my hands still tremble
but i never expected them to stop

i think i am dying

I decided that I loved your promises more than I hated my body so I let you have it

the first six months after you was probably the worst time of my life
not just because i was trying to remember how to taste like anything besides you
that was the same time my mother died while i was busy pushing needles into veins and spitting blood from my lips
we ****** in your car anywhere that would make me feel alive
but your bed never felt like home to me
i lied when i said i don"t write about you anymore
but lying belt better than admitting i can feel the way you're missing from my bones
i'm hollow and that's not the same as empty
all my lining's made of your fingerprints
which means i'll always taste like you no matter how many times i rinse my chest out with *****
try to drown the bits of you left growing between my ribs

this last six months
i've seen you three times
twice was behind a double pane glass window
we talked about getting married and running away together
tonight i thought about calling you at least six times
when's the last time you saw me six months sober 180 pounds clean wrists and a smile
never
and how much of this do i owe to you
for leaving me and only coming to remind me what i'm missing
i can feel your fist in my throat begging me not to let small words escape

goodbye i love you and i love the way you taste like cherries
like trying to convince me there's anything sweet about you

in my dream I cultivate gardens in the contours of her throat
I plant daisies in the cavity of her chest
let ivy encircle itself in vines in her ribcage
AND SHE TELLS HERSELF SHE'S BEAUTIFUL
as if she wan't already a masterpiece before the artwork was installed

my father loves the taste of bourbon

I do not know why
I am too afraid to ask

if it is because the burn it leaves in the back of his throat
and the pit of his stomach
is sweeter than that of his broken body

or if it is because after seven glasses
he forgets his middle name or that
his body is even broken at all

I do not know
I am too afraid to ask

if he is addicted to the alcohol
or just being able to move without wanting to scream in pain

the only nights my father sleeps
are those when he is too intoxicated to even stand

I do not know if he even likes the way it tastes
or if it’s just familiar now but

I have never been more scared than watching my father
stagger up the stairs to our door
and throw himself heavy onto the couch

thinking
what if this time he doesn’t wake up