the first time you kissed me
I could've fallen out of the chair I sat in
begging to feel the weight of you against me

you kept your distance

the only things that touched
were our lips
and your hair curled over my cheek

the first time you asked me
"what are we? what is it we're doing? and what do you want?"
I swore that the idea of you falling asleep on someone else's chest didn't steal all of the sanity from my brain
that I could imagine the rest of my life only existing when you needed me

it's funny how much I didn't mean it, but that's exactly where we are now

the only things that touched
were my lips to the phone receiver
I can't remember exactly how many times you didn't answer

the first time you asked me to marry you
the first time I asked you to run away with me
the first time we fought with our fists and then

the only things that touched
were your lips together
when you packed up all of the things you could reach

and still keep your distance

because for some reason still unseen to me
conversations with you are still so aggressive
like ripping petals off of a daisy
praying to god this time you'll love me

doctors have told me I've died eight times
everyone else keeps begging me to stop shooting smack into my wrists because I only have one life left

2:04 a.m.
they said you're never coming back but all your things are still here

3:42 a.m.
none of your clothes smell like you anymore

3:42 a.m.
the brandy tastes more like you than he does

I've never known anything simpler
Or more complicated than love

It is easy for me to love her when she grinds against my hand
Urging my fingers deeper
Her nails on my back and her breath on my ear

It is easy for me to love her when we are lying on my mattress
Blankets half thrown over us
Pillows scatter the floor
Half asleep it does not take much effort to smile because I can feel her on my chest

It is easy for me to love her when she straddles my lap
When her lips find mine in a frenzy of lust
Or when we are curled up with each other watching the same movie for the sixth time because we were too busy to pay attention for the first five

It is easy for me to love her when it is just us

When I tell my friends about her I have to keep myself from jumping up and down
Have to remember not to mention her name
I don't want her to face the consequences of loving me

It is hard for me to keep my hands to myself
To try not to lean into her kiss
I have to remind myself of who might be watching

It is hard for me not to hold her hand whenever I am close enough to reach her
To call her by her name in front of our parents because baby is the first word to touch my tongue

It is hard to listen to my friends talk about the way they would touch her
I always want to tell them she's mine
But I know she'll always be more than that

It is hard to pretend like I'm not so completely involved
I don't want to make the mistake of ruining what we have
And she deserves something better
I want to give her something better than “friend”

and oh ****
but I just wanted you to love me

I never cared about any of it
so long as you were with me

now I wait hours alone
wondering if you’ll even remember my name
when yours has been running through my veins all year

I tried to let you go
opened up my skin to bleed you out
but you’re still the bitter taste in the back of my mouth

I miss you
and oh ****
but I just wanted you to love me

I’m addicted to feeling numb

and my ex is right what they say about me, I’m so sorry for the girl lying here beside me

time didn’t make it easier and I think I’m still sick, I think I’m getting sicker

I didn’t mean to hurt her, I don’t want anyone to have to hurt like this

if you ignore hunger pains long enough, you stop feeling them
I just want to stop feeling this

when you left
I took it with shots of brandy

I had been sober so long because your kiss was enough to make my head swim

and letting you walk away was one of the hardest things I've had to take

you said leaving me was hard
like when your dad died

and it was just as bitter as watching my mom fight cancer

for the second time

I'm still swallowing back the goodbyes I never got to say

when you left
I took it with shots of brandy

but even it doesn't burn the same

at nine years old
you don’t really grasp the concept of forever..

that things that are permanent do not leave you

I thought that when I got better
they’d go away

and hell
maybe they will

maybe I just haven’t gotten better yet..

but I’m trying

I’ve held a loaded gun to my head

the only reason I didn’t pull that ******* trigger is
I never want my mother to have to see me like that..

sprawled out on the bathroom floor
tiles that use to hurt my head they were so white..
stained red from all the blood

and the scariest part is

not a day has gone by that I don’t regret my choice
because
no matter how good I feel
I always end up wishing I were dead

but I wasn’t brave enough to swallow back the guilt
threw it back up with every overdose

I spent years trying to cut out all the hurt
let it spill from my veins
my wrists will never be empty of scars again

I tied a rope around my neck
thinking I could go quick enough that no one would have to hear my screaming

it left me with burns around my throat
choking back every “I’m dying”
“somebody, help me”

I have held a loaded gun to my head
but I am so scared

I am so scared of losing you that I can’t even **** myself

I’m sorry I didn’t come see you

I’m sorry I never called
that I didn’t tell you I loved you before you left

I don’t know what I expected when I heard you got sick
but it wasn’t this

I’m sorry I couldn’t come after you died
that I never said goodbye

I’m so sorry

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to get out of bed
that I couldn’t stop crying long enough to call your wife

to tell her I’m sorry

I’m sorry I got angry every time a stranger
told me they were sorry for my loss

but it hurts so ******* bad


I’m sorry

I am most comfortable acting reckless
it is hard to seem so put together when I’m spinning out of control

But I like the way it feels losing sleep thinking of you
we bought a bigger mattress and you still take up 3/4 of the bed
And I don’t mind for a second making space for you

You are the only person that has ever made me feel safe stepping into unknown
you are the only one who has ever stayed

thank you. I love you, too.

you are worse than ******

what a compliment, that you could so easily **** off all the good left in me with just a taste

*******
****** was sweeter than you, vinegar and baking soda and something worse than death

I never missed you for a second
I never missed you at all

I forget about your name on my skin and she never mentions you

she kisses the back of my neck before she falls asleep every night and it is almost like you never existed at all


you wrote on my bedroom wall so I moved my bed, she wrote over it

the only times I think of you are to wish you were dead
I wish you felt the pain it was to be with you

but more than anything I feel sorry
you will never know what it is to have my heart

my dad laughs as he swears I learned whole sonnets in the way my mother spoke before I ever let a single word drip from off my tongue

knew all about her kind of crazy before I ever knew exactly what that would mean for us

the days she wouldn’t leave her bed
except to crawl desperately to cool tile

hold her own hair back and wonder again when it would all be worth it

the last time I saw her alive she wasn’t a quarter of the person she used to be

and I’d sit up for days wondering again what I had to do to make it worth it

watching her rot away inside of her own skin

my sister thinks I’m heartless
that I can throw away all of the pieces parts she left behind

but I cannot bare to choke on these words any longer

I hate the way I sound so much like her
staring at a ghost every time I look in the mirror

I am haunted by all the things I did not do for her

all the ways I let her down and left her to die alone

and I sit here for hours and wonder again when the pain will be worth it

I think
trying to imagine

the look on my mother’s face
if she ever found me with a bullet in my head
the gun in my hand
finger on the trigger

is the reason I am trying so hard
to stay

I think
being the reason

someone hurt like that is the only reason I’m still here

but in those moments
I am so lost

it is after the pill bottle is empty
and my wrists are open

that I see my mother’s face in the back of my head

it is after my eyes are closed
and I do not feel

that I remember
that I cannot do this to you

but it is too late
and I am so sorry

I think
hearing my father’s voice crack
as tears flooded his eyes

when he begged me not to do this to myself

is the reason
I came home alive

rather than in a casket

because I am so afraid of what would happen

how a man who already drinks himself to sleep
would cope

with the death of his only daughter

but it is not until
I have already swung from the rope around my neck

that I hear him pleading

but it is too late
and I am so sorry

I think
that even though I feel alone
more days that I can get out of bed

that there are people who love me

people who need me and
I do not want to leave you

but I cannot keep waking up to this

my heart is heavy and
I hurt all over and

I’m tired of begging the world to stop spinning
I am too dizzy to stand here any longer

and it is not until my lungs collapse

that I know I love you

but it is too late
and I am so sorry

I like to pretend like three days sober
means I’m getting better
but

I’ve still got battlefields played out on my wrists

and just because my veins aren’t pumping liquor tonight
doesn’t mean those half empty bottles aren’t staring me in the face

and I can hear that rusty pipe calling out my name
like you and I both know
I can stop the bleeding for a few hits of the good stuff

and maybe then I won’t feel
the nasty bite as I claw through flesh

too many Oxy and I might lose my ****
literally


three days sober like I’m getting better
but when my head’s not swimming through alcohol dreams

I’ve just found another way to **** me

I am the reason you will live forever

This Is Where I'm From

I'm from stereo speakers
from Fender and Gibson
I'm from the brick path by the back door
rough and chipped
it felt like it left pieces of itself still embedded in my skin
I'm from the Mantis bush
the old Oak tree
that stood as tall as I dreamed I could
it was no surprise when they cut it down too
I'm from the silent dinners by myself
and hands too small to comfort me
from Sally and Emily and Mac
I'm from the drunks and bipolar

from worthless and disappointment
I'm from sinner
never had a chance because God can't love a queer
I'm from celts and kilts
and a little place in Bexley
Dad's liquor cabinet and too much caffeine
from the chair by my mother’s hospital bed in the cancer ward
the block of metal that makes up my father's knee
I'm from razor blades and gauze wrap
the years I spent trying to cut out the parts of me that wouldn't let me fit in
from the people whose faces I don't recognize
only met them in old photos
I'm from "don't think, know"
a house but it was never a home

there is nothing extraordinary about me
nothing worth rescuing anymore

is it ****** up that when i heard my friend had died i cried
and wished i could be so lucky

i feel guilty more for never thinking about my mom
and how in two weeks it'll have been three years
and how i can still see it in my sister's jaw, the way she bites her tongue to keep from screaming

mostly i just wonder how she keeps it up
how i'm supposed to bite my tongue at all the razors come slip from between my lips, slash holes through my gentle girlfriend and my scared brother

i am so scared of how much longer i'm expected to keep this up
i have tried and tried and i cannot survive with this pain in my chest
there isn't any room left for new scars

i want to swallow all the pills i've ever kissed and drop off the edge of this ****** up cliff i've been ******* to for years

i want to know what it's like to finally sleep

i don't want to be rescued, i never did

we always had fun
throwing darts at each other's backs

trying to make sure
something would stick

and I guess we got comfortable
sneaking out of windows
and
sharing each other's hearts with everyone except
each other?

and who knew that seeing you stripped bare
meant meeting all of your ghosts

I was drunk the first time a girl kissed me

I wish I had been sober so I could remember it better

we were on the bed
she held my hands down above my head
I pretended to struggle

I didn’t want to seem too eager

she leaned down
and I swear

in that second before our lips met
every part of me came alive
I felt fire burning through my veins

and god
I’d never known anything better

this is not an apology

I’m sick of saying “sorry”
when I take my clothes off for you

my body is beautiful
even if you never said so

I’m sick of saying “sorry”
for knocking back the bottles
harder than you knocked me around

this is not an apology

I don’t owe you anything
hell I never did

I’m sick of the sorries
because my lips were too slow
my tongue too fast

my hands never met the speed of your measure
the tick tick tick of your metronome

I’m not sorry for walking away
when this was only ever one sided

this is not an apology

and I am glad you’re gone

this is not what I wanted

but god I missed the taste of your lips
the way a ship misses the shore

I missed your breath on my neck
more than fallen stars miss the night sky

and the way you wrapped your arms around me..
like I was something you didn’t want to let go..

this is not what I wanted
( I want you )

I know I’m not over her

by the way my breath catches when I see her name
I wonder if she still thinks about me

God, it’s killing me
having to look at her pretend to love everyone but me

I know I’m not over her

because after we ******
a year and a half after she left me
I remember reaching for her at two in the morning

I can still taste her on my lips
hear her moaning my name

****
of all the noise she made that night
it was by far the sexiest thing I had ever heard

I know I’m not over her

when every kiss plays on repeat in the back of my head
and I wake up most morning wishing she were here

and the way she said she loved me..
I know I’m not over her

but I still tell her I am

I wonder if we kissed..
would you still taste like menthol cigarettes
and cheap beer
and cheetos

****
would you still taste like me..

god I wish I knew
so I could stop torturing myself
wondering if you still taste like your promises

like “forever”
“run away with me”
“I love you”

I love you..
I love you
I love you
I love you

and no one else
I don’t know how to taste like anything but you

please
I just want to kiss you

She doesn't write anymore
not since before me
(and you can call that cocky if you'd like but) she's not the same
bitter sweet with nothing sweet about her and desperate for something that sounds like it did before

You
God you sound like symphonies (and I was never really one for classics but)
I can feel my skin come alive with the way you say my name
and of course I will see you through this

After all
I love you

I started drinking again

but I never get the urge to call you
and beg you to come back to me

maybe because I don’t miss you anymore

I only think it’s surprising because
when we used to get drunk together

you begged me for love
but not the kind I asked in return

you only ever told me you loved the way I touched you
how I made you feel good

I asked you to love me at one in the morning when I could not feel your arms around me
or hear your heart beat next to mine
asked you to promise to be here when I woke up

I got used to hungover mornings without you
and I think that’s why I don’t reach for you

I wanted to tell you I still love you
but I don’t know if I ever did

I started drinking again
and I haven’t even texted you

I don’t want you to come back
and I’m okay with that

I am so sick of playing the good guy

of keeping my mouth shut
of checking up on you every ******* time something goes wrong
and wishing you well with a boy I can’t ******* stand
of keeping my problems to myself
of letting you tell me you love me everytime you leave

I ****** you to show you that that’s all you are to me
one night
not even an “I love you”
a “shut the hell up before someone hears you”
a fist around your throat and lips on your inner thigh

it wasn’t even for you
I didn’t care how good it made you feel

I wanted to have some ******* control for once

I am so sick of you leaving hickeys on my neck
of getting me high to show me you still own me
of your fingers in my hair and your nails on my back

you drive me ******* insane
and I am so sick of always coming back to you

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I ****** up

Shouldn’t have let go so easy
but no part of this is easy
not for me

I hate you
mirrors were always my worst enemy
makes me have to see me for me

“you look broken without her”
no I’m fine really

I just hate this feeling

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I was right

without her I am nobody
I’m nothing

all the dark without the light

There is no happiness in this situation

In slitting my wrists every night before bed
In wishing I had woken up dead

In pretending like it wasn't all in my head
I know it was all in my head
But I couldn't make the voices stop..

In medical rounds and hospital gowns
In every single missing persons report
And I still haven't been found

In breaking my bones on.. What?
Promises like..forever
Stay with me
Because I can't stand to be alone and I hate being lonely

In chasing down my fears with my favorite *****
In growing up being told I was born to lose.. Everything that I had worked so hard to get so eventually I just quit

In coughing up the pills I begged to stay in my stomach
In spending your life being diagnosed as sick
Diseased messed up in the head

Bipolar schizophrenic OCD
Just take your pick

I can tell you the side effects of every prescription that was supposed to fix me
Only turned me into a zombie

I don't eat..
And either I don't sleep or that's all I do
I don't have any friends outside of school

Can barely leave my room without an anxiety attack
Can't look in the mirror cause all I see is fat

Can't say how I feel cause I sound like a bother
Growing up with a drunk as a father

And a mom who wouldn't leave him despite what you said
The nights he stood by your bed

And spit in your face what a ******* disgrace you grew up to be
I hope you're ******* happy

I had never laughed so hard in my life

and I knew if a girl could make me laugh like that she must be made of the stars

and to think

I fell for a girl with constellations inside of her



when all I asked for

was a kiss

I am a liar
I am a liar for saying I do not love her

but I’d rather be a liar than admit that I am pathetic

I’d rather keep it to myself
how my heart sinks when I see you kiss him
the way you use to kiss me..

I don’t want anyone to know how much it kills me that you do not love me

you never loved me and that is okay
but I wish you hadn’t been such a liar

and I wish that I had never given you everything I had
because I am empty now

I am empty and my heart doesn’t beat how it use to
and most nights it’s hard to breathe

without you
I don’t feel like living

and I hope one day that will change
and I won’t need you anymore

but today I am still praying you will come crawling back to me
so that I can do what I need to

I love you
but you are toxic
and I am sick of drinking poison

winter is coming
and I am lonely
without you in my veins
I am not whole or
happy

winter is coming
and the air is cold
without you in my lungs
I cannot breathe
or smile

winter is coming
and I can’t sleep
my bed is empty
without you in my arms
I do not feel right or
safe

winter is coming
my first winter
since you left me and
my heart feels dead
because
it no longer beats for you

There are few things I really fear in this world

I use to believe that losing you was one of them but
since you left
I have decided that all I am
is not because of some girl

I am sure that one day
you will cease to roam my head and
I will stop writing about you but
until that day
I do not mind keeping you as a reminder

that even though we loved more passionately than the stars loved the night sky
I can live without you

I do not revolve around you
I am my own god and you
are just a girl

I use to love you

you use to smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

but now I’m the one who smells like I’ve been drinking too much
and I’m the one who can’t seem to pick myself up off of the floor

and I’m scared

I’m scared because I haven’t felt this lonely since
you slept beside me

but at least then I had someone to hold

and now I’m clutching my stomach hoping this time

I won’t cry over a girl who doesn’t want me by her side
even though I’m still hoping you’ll come back to bed

my body’s shaking from withdrawal

you were stronger than any drug I’ve ever tasted
more poisonous too

and it’s killing me

you left bruises on my skin

they’re not like the ones my father left
they feel more like love than hate

I’m afraid of letting them fade

they’re proof you were here
you were here
and when they’re gone..

I’ve spent too long trying to convince myself you still want me
and for a moment
it seemed as though you did
still want me..

but at the end of the day
you’re still with him

why is it kissing you tastes sweeter
knowing I shouldn’t

but I’m still choking back the bitter guilt

I don’t belong here..

you left bruises on my skin
in the shape of your lips
they don’t belong here either

but it’s the closest thing to love I’ve felt in a long time

I do not love

I don’t even like the girls I sleep with
I just can’t sleep in an empty bed

and I do not miss you
or the way you taste

I’ve long forgotten the smell of your skin
the sound of your voice

I just miss having someone to hold
but I don’t want it to be you
do not come back here

I can’t stand the way your name sounds against my tongue
or the memories I have of you

I do not love

I didn’t even like her
just the way she told me I was better than the boys she ******

I do not love

they didn’t teach me that when I was in school
or how to feel when she leaves you

I had to figure these things out on my own
and I know I’m doing something wrong

but I do not care
I do not
I don’t

I do not love

but if I did
it would not be you

my mom asks me how I’m doing
I smile and tell her I’m happy

but every time I see my doctor
I tell him
I want to die

I’m at 1800 mg now

just to try and keep from rocking the boat hard enough
to flip me into the water

but I do not need oceans to drown me
I just need to hear you say that you still love me

let me choke on all the reasons you left
why didn’t you stay?

and now he’s breathing “****” down your neck
and you’ve mistaken it for love

if you drink enough ***** it tastes like

regret

like all the nights you spent bent over the bathroom sink
tears running down your face when you can’t seem to catch your breath

like rust and blood and bile in the back of your throat
razors on the counter and a half cocked gun in your hand

like not sleeping because you’re too busy screaming at the sky
begging the moon to bring her back

like breaking bones on promises like “forever”
tearing open your chest searching for some part of you she might’ve left
but finding nothing

if you drink enough ***** it will not taste like love
and it certainly will not taste like her

so i'm sorry for that day some nine years ago
and I was already half a foot taller than you
when your eyes caught scarlet ribbon peek from beneath the hem of my shirt sleeve
and when you wrapped your fingers so delicately around my forearm
I'm sorry for the way I scoffed and said it shouldn't have taken three years to notice all the blood

2. and MOM I remember the way you cried for me for three years after that
I saw you collapsed on the floor outside my bedroom
and that's the reason I scrubbed the red from off the walls

3. misery loves company but I just like to wallow in my sadness
which made me think we had something in common
cause most days you didn't get out of bed either!
but you swear I'm more my Father's spitting image
so I cut off all my hair and drank my way home
and ever since these walls have stunk like bourbon and broken promises

you say “I love you” and swear you mean it

but you don’t
how could you?

when you can’t even love yourself

how do I say this

1. I wish I matched my reputation
maybe then this wouldn't sting so ******* bad
I spit at the word "darling" when I read it
and I can't tell you how worthless I felt describing dancing barefoot over concrete in the rain when I found out you already had a ***** on standby

2. you and I know a lot can happen in 24 hours
like you can let someone inside of you and blame it on me not loving you the right way
and I can cry over the way you spelled "future" like "temporary"
and how I already know too ******* much about that
and so I sort you into a pile with my dead mom and my daughter I'll never get to meet
and everything else that didn't last - like my clean date, our anniversary, the way you said "I love you", or my ******* name

3. you still think I wasn't serious
if a baby is what will make you want me
and you can name her after what it feels like to love something for once

I’ve tasted real love

I stopped getting drunk
because your lips
were enough to make my head swim

and the only times I was getting high
was with you

I didn’t have to hide
besides
you heard all my bad jokes
a hundred times over

and you still laughed
like it was the first I told it

I’ve tasted real love
in the softness of your skin

I don’t need another girl’s body
you were enough

I’ve felt what it’s like to be in love at 4 a.m.
and when you dropped me
I felt what it’s like to shatter

I won’t bother with the broken pieces

I’ve tasted real love
and baby
that’s all I wanted

this is not how I want to live
I’m tired of kissing razorblades goodnight
and bottles of ***** good morning

I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror most days
I am not the person I wanted to be

this is not how I want to live
I don’t know if I want to live at all

I’m sick of breaking myself down to try and build others up
my arms are tired and my knuckles bruised
and I don’t want to fight anymore

I’ve been looking for a way out so long that
I don’t even recognize it as a danger
looking down the barrel of a gun

not until I hear it go off

.1. I pick mania over drug induced numbness any day
at least this way it's not wasted feeling
this blade at my wrist

2. I could get drunk on you white girl
when I remember that feeling of your lips on my neck
I know I'd never have to get high again
but I want to

3. YOU'RE WORTH DYING OVER
actually I think that's just the mania speaking
BUT ISN'T IT SOMETHING
TO NOT BE AFRAID OF DEATH ANYMORE?

4. I KNOW I AM LOVED
BUT HELL I WANT THAT COLD BITE OF GLASS IN THE CROOK OF MY WRIST LIKE I NEED AIR TO BREATHE

5. I don't want to die
I just want to know what you taste like
OR MAYBE THAT'S THE SAME ******* THING

you drive me crazy
and not in a good way

you make my ******* skin crawl

and I’m trying to figure out how
to rip you from my veins

you have always left a sour taste in my mouth
and I am trying to wash you out

but I can’t forget the way you made me bleed
when I begged you

no
it never meant anything to you

that’s why you never stopped
when I begged you

no
please listen

no
she’s just a girl

no
please

no no no..

you drive me crazy
in the “I want to blow my brains out” kind of way

do not touch me again
I can still feel my skin crawl

and I am trying to figure out how
to get rid of you

I’m afraid

I’m afraid that kissing in the back corner of the kitchen where your family can’t see us
will leave desire somewhere in my bones
too deep
for me to claw away

I’m afraid that I was never in love with you at all
and that I just liked the feeling of your teeth against my neck

I’m afraid that I only want you the way everyone else does
even though I always swore
I adore you for more than just the way your skin feels under my palms

I’m afraid that when the bruises you left fade
I will ask you to leave more
at least I’ll have proof you were here

I’m afraid that if I hear you breathlessly asking my name
I will completely lose myself in you

I’m afraid because I do not have the self control to stop from wanting you

I’m sick of writing about stars
and girls who will never be as good as I try to make them sound

I’ve exhausted my love for sappy cliches
and dumb metaphors that probably don’t make sense to anyone but me

she was filled with galaxies
she had constellations inside of her
she planted flowers in my lungs

I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
I can’t-

****
I can’t even remember what she looks like anymore..

I’m all closed lips
didn’t know how to say I love you without
sounding like all the people that never meant it the first time

I know you didn’t mean it the last time
come back
you left your roses in my chest
their thorns ripping holes in my lungs

this is not the place for flowers

I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
I can’t…

I miss you

she used me
she took everything because all I ever did was give

she took parts of me I wish I could take back
like my innocence
every ******* “I love you”

she used me and she ******* left
and when she left I begged her to come back to me
told her she was my everything
“I can’t live without you”

when really
she’s just another girl
who didn’t listen the first time I said no
so I just stopped talking

she’s gone because there was nothing left to take

good

go **** some other poor helpless kid
who made the mistake of thinking you were made of stars

I can live without you

watch me.