Today I smoked a cigarette
and another
and another
and another
Until my lungs felt as burnt out as my heart
And my heart felt like the cold ashes settling after the fire has been choked out
My best friend is my cat
Because humans walk around with scissors for mouths
And each hurtful word snips another string
From my head to my heart
Making my head sink lower
and lower
and lower
To the ground
If I keep my eyes down
Then I won't have to see the venom seeping from their eyes like tears
Dripping to the ground
Burning the soles of my feet
Like the thoughts I keep unspoken
Searing through my body until they reach my stomach
Twisting into knots
Every step a punch to the gut
And every breath a fight to hold back the bile
The bile that is my mind
Trying to break through the jail I have kept it in
The jail of thoughts stitched together into an impossibly high wall
You're not good enough
You're not pretty enough
You're not enough
Making my mind lose itself
Trying to escape
By attacking my physical being

The bed was rocking so,
the movement of our bodies
caused my Rosary to fall on your face.

I'm not sure all that I want for you,
or all that I want from you,
but there are a few things I am certain of.

From you I would like a thousand more kisses,
two thousand more hugs
and maybe three more thousand kisses.

For you I want happiness. I want you to not have
to worry about him, be it your father, your friend,
your could-have-been lover.

But I understand that you need to figure out
how to not worry about these things on your own.
I can only wrap my arms around and hope to help.

For you I want happiness.
I want to be there for you
and for you I want happiness.

It's hard for me to believe the things you say.
It's hard for me to think of you
without a hint of bitterness
intruding upon the smell of jasmine
that you left to linger in my mind.

I wish things were simple;
like they used to be,
like they should be.

I wish I knew what complicated things
(I know what, I wish I knew why they complicated things)
so I could fix it.

I'm the same
and I can't help but feel that you've changed.
Changed as people do,
nothing wrong with that
(nothing wrong with that)
I just wish your changes didn't include
cutting me out of your life.

I'll be here,
waiting in my room for the phone to ring,
but I'm tired of leaving you voicemails
and I'm tired of waiting for a call,
and I'm tired of being tired.

I've been good,
my life has been good
and you've been gone
and it's hard for me to determine  
if I'm happier about that which has been going on
or sadder about you being gone.

"If any negative thought lingers, he let it vent.
Wrote this one with his ******* in wet cement. "*

I don't want to lose you
but I can't continue trying this hard.
I can't put forth the effort to maintain this,
when you give none.
I can't think of any more ways to say this
so I'll say it simple: I love you and I'm losing you.

I remember the day we met.
Not the date, but the day.
Your best friend was dating my best friend and considering they were our only friends in the sixth grade, we spent a good amount of time together.

I haven't seen that friend in years and I doubt you've seen yours in just as long.

Please don't let that happen to us.

Two weeks drug free.
I did it for myself,
I did it for my sister
for you
and for her.

Cravings don't wake me up at night anymore.
I can hold a cigarette without my hands shaking
and I can look my mother in the eye.

Where are you to share in my sobriety?
Where are you to help me through it?
(Where are you?)

I like you.
Yes, quite a bit I do.

Just about as much as I like the stars,
and quite a bit more than I like cars.

I like you as much as a like the trees,
it's safe to say that you're the bees knees.

I like you more than I like drugs,
and one of my favorite places to be,
is wrapped in one of your hugs.

You said you crave attention.

I'm prepared to give you all the attention you could ever need,
yet you pretend you don't hear me knocking.

Why?

Are you afraid of the feelings I have for you?
You don't understand.
I have had these feelings always, they are nothing new.
Are you afraid of losing me because they are not reciprocated?
You don't understand.
I have had these feelings always, and they have never been reciprocated.
The only way I will give up is if you continue what you're doing.

You're pushing me away and i'm tired of trying to catch up.

You're too busy with work you say,
yet you go to parties with him.
You're too busy with school you say,
yet you always have time for him.

I'm not jealous because you kiss him,
i'm jealous because he is stealing you from me.

Heed the meadowlarks cry
You are worth more than you think
I want you with me
But
You push me away
As if I am nothing more than the worm being eaten
By the meadowlark
And you sit by
Watching me being devoured