the world is spinning,
fluorescent day dreams riddle my head.
butterflies land on my hands and speak to me in the most calming voice,
"breath my child, breath"
the deeper the breathes the more they come, singing and dancing on my fingertips.
im safe in the arms of these hallucinations.
theyre warm and soft. like his skin.

your memories leave me with a beautiful sadness.
a lonely comfort,
a broken promise.
yes you left, but you also left a piece of you.
thank you.

for the way he dances is as graceful as the angels voices.
the way his head moves, his hair following every direction his feet go.
his arms spin, his head nods, his fingers tap out the beat.
hes living in the moment, for the way he dances is so graceful,
how could i not fall for him.

I breath in the timeless beauty of the pictures we took.
allowing my lungs to fill with the memory of your laugh, and the bittersweet taste of your lips.
I find myself sketching your features into my ceiling each night, allowing myself to see your ocean blue eyes again.  
in the deepened hours of the morning i lay away, my bed cold, your spot empty, unsafe.
come home.
i miss you.

my stomach turns,
as the waves below me crash in swirling spirals.
my hands shake,
as the blue and red capsules turn their devilish eyes onto me.
my heart wheeps,
as the cool silver screws lay on the floor.
my lungs scream,
as the tie lays, unused for the formal dinner you promised.
my feet dance,
as the edge calls closer.
my body longs for it, though my heart tells me no.
and my head tells me yes.
yet, the only thing stopping me are three simple words.



does it hurt.

like a flower that wilts in the sun,
youve become a case of a person.
a hollow shell,
an empty place.
youve become nothing.
youre a pit of despair,
you feel like nothing could ever compare to the pain you feel.
but like all things, you grow.
you bloom in the dancing beams of moonlight,
you radiate in the endless field of dreams.
you may be empty but youre not empty yet.
so let me fill you, with the sparks you send me.
so i can see the love of mine, even if its only in the moonlight.
let yourself glow my love.

sometimes we fall onto our knees and bleed to the ones around us.
sometimes we expand our lungs with poison, for the ones we love.
sometimes we knock our own teeth out, and force a different smile.
sometimes we're human.
and thats okay.

sometimes loving someone hurts more than losing them.
let go.

take my hand my love.
ill lead you through the dark defending you from your demons.
ill lead you to neverland with a simply ask of me.
im here for you through everything, just intertwine your fingers with mine,
and ill follow you into the dark

you were a dream my mind had created out of little fragments of memories.
a dream made out of light from every gleaming star in the sky.
god, what a dream you were.
it felt as if i could reach into my mind and swim in the oceans in your eyes.
i could have count every freckle that sprinkled across your nose,
i could have gently pressed my lips against yours,
you couldve called me by your name, and i couldve called you by mine.
and i realize now you were nothing but a dream then.
but now youre my only reality

i sit in my living room, surrounded by the people that find me utterly perfect.
but all i can do is think of how 'perfect' i was to you,
though there was always someone more perfect wasnt there.
cause if i was your definition of perfect you wouldnt be calling him that.

so lets smoke some more, and wash away the night.
cause no matter what i do,
ill never be alright.

i speak.
the clouds that once fill my lungs seeping out with every breath, as you refill them with daisies.
the pain i once felt in the bottom of my stomach, washed away with words that roll of your tongue.
its a never ending cycle of healing,
through softy spoken words soaked in sweat,
through the ever so gentle touch of your lips,
through the way your love fills me to the very brim.
although i am broken, i can slowly feel my pieces come together when im with you.

my fire was blown out by the words you carefully whispered in my ear each morning.
the day my fire went out became the day your chains bound me to your love, and held me in place slowly feeding me pain and heartbreak

sign your name under the terms and conditions of my heart,
so that when you break it youll have to pick up every piece,
and heal me once again.

sometimes i stare at the sun,
swallow the mouthwash,
take an extra advil,
cross the street without looking,
take off my seatbeat,
walk alone at night.
but then came you,
and that all stopped.
i finally have something to live for.

sometimes i wonder if the late night car ride meant nothing to you,
if my name still rings in your ears,
if my guitar strings still snap your fingers,
i wonder if the late night tears mean anything to you.
i wonder if what i once was means anything to you.

with love,
the ghosted bestfriend

when i stare at the sky searching for the dim moonlight i see your face in the stars.
when i look for seashells on the beach i see your face in the waves.
when i walk through the forest i see your face in the trees.
when im asked for my definition of perfect the first thing i see is you. your smile, your eyes, your hair, your shoulders.
i see you. youre my definition of perfect.
and no matter what you say, or do. you always will be

intertwine your heart with mine,
submerge yourself in the waters of my love.
allow this feeling to take you over, and bring you home to me.
i find the entanglement of ones love for eachother to be a breathtaking thing.
if only, the love you so delicately placed within her was shown to me.
so intertwine your heart with mine, so i can take your broken pieces and use them to make me whole for him again.

are you fighting for her or fighting for me
when you think of those eyes, whose do you see?
when you think of that voice, whose is the perfect key?
if you saw us both, would you run to me?
theres two sides to this battle,
and sadly i cant see,
where in the world,
you would choose me.

through days of darkness
and nights of bittersweet dreams
my love for you will never fade,
and neither will i

"Do you love me or do you need me" i asked with a tear rolling down my cheek
and with a wicked gleam in your eyes, you said
"figure it out yourself"

let’s run away to a faraway land where train tracks meet the stars
where flowers bloom in the moonlight
where trees are evergreen
where the skyline is painted pink and yellow.
let’s run away.
let’s leave behind this world full of forced smiles and fake laughs,
let’s leave the world that’s polluted with corrupt governments and unlawful laws.
let’s run away.
a place we can be free.
to be you and me.

as i laid there, my whole body shaking
struggling to breath
to talk
to hold my dinner down
you held me to your chest and sang.
and in that moment i realized
i fell even more in love with you
than the day i became,
the one you call your own

after months of intoxicated thoughts.
thousands of daydreams on a high.
weeks of sober tears.
i’ve decided that it’s better to be safe then sober.
cause when i’m sober i think of you,
but when i’m under the influence i remember you.

your absence still hurts.
even after you dug holes into my heart and tore my ligaments apart.
it still hurts to roll over at night and not see your smiling face besides me.
your absence will forever feel forced and fatal.
but it’s what i need.
even though this absence is killing me.

these are the days were the voices grow louder than my own thoughts
were the feeling of postmortem flutters through my head like a butterfly,
allowing my childhood thoughts to chase after it, with hope and light in their eyes
and all I can do is watch the light fade and the memories dissipate into thin air.
allowing myself to fall deeper and deeper into the thought

of postmortem.

I long for home.
not the place I grew up, nor the house I live in.
I don't long for an apartment, or a city.
I want to go home,
to your arms.
to your eyes.
to your voice.
let me come home.

I didn't tell my mom about you,
or pray to god.
I didn't write about you in secret spirals,
or sketch out pictures of you.
I told the stars about you,
about how you shine brighter than they ever could.
I told the sea about you,
how your eyes share its marvelous blue.
I told the earth about you,
how you make me feel like the only person on it.
I told the universe about you,
and it gave me you.

I find myself laying awake in the middle of the night wishing I was her.
not for how she looks
or her smile
or her laugh,
but for the way you look at her.

you always told me to never apologize for silly things, that I didn't need too.
but what am I supposed to do, when Im laying breathless on my bathroom floor, and all you want is an apology for something I never did.
I think that's quite silly.

I get it.
the way red rivers flow
the way revines scar across your skin
the way your heart shatters and slashes your lungs
the way you get pushed last on the list
the way your smile fades when you see them
ive been there, I promise.
I understand your pain, your emptiness, your lack of hope
I understand you, and you're not alone.
you're never alone
I'm always here
you're okay angel

I've lived thousands of lives
walked thousands of places
talked to thousands of people
loved thousands with all my heart.
yet if I could do it all again,
I would chose to love you, even if its just for a second.

I find myself listening to classical music,
its not as angelic as your voice but it gets the job done.

last night I woke up in a druken haze, laying next to someone I hoped to be you.