I know I don’t have you
but I don’t want to lose you.

My heart compresses and aches
and shakes and breaks
at the mere thought of pain too great
for you to stake your love on me.
The gift I need would make you bleed.
Yet shattered I plead for a sign, a seed.
Might even the tiniest sliver of you be mine?
I’m sorry! So sorry! How I stab and slice
with each roll of the dice.
You can’t pay the price and I should think twice.
This hunger is strong, has gnawed decades long
but you are far gone.
My desire cut you, bled you out,
Destroyed each last sprout of hope I fear
Only my doubt is left to muck about
in this drought of you.

Still all I want to do
is mend, befriend, heal, renew
Converse, embrace & always love you.
My chest heaves with a sigh
for drops of your love I cry
to know more of you, still I try,
I treasure your deep diamond core
It’s you I’ve always adored
Unsatisfied, I want more.
Instead all I taste
Salty tears on my face
and a huge empty waste
where you self-erased.

I know I don’t have you
so why can’t I leave this place?
I don’t want to lose you
Still

The last one
keeps being the hardest,
like if somehow this night
were the darkest

but I'm smiling,
I'm singing,
aren't we happy

I guess, it's just a mess,
and I must be wrong,
could you really let go

because I really couldn't
not for a lifetime and the next
and now
when I think, I dream

it's all just you and me.

Fashioned to a piercing Arrowhead…
Don’t “tough-love” me! I’ve heard it said,
A good whipping was proof he cared.
I’ve knelt in confession to prepare
For a switch lashing my behind,
discipline—“for love” she piously chimed.
Caring hearts don’t char their object of affection
Or carry knives to slice away obsession
Either love me tender, love me sweet;
or speak honestly—
you have no heart for me.

I’ve long believed in keeping bridges,
Building them, maintaining them,
Rarely setting them aflame—
only the most detrimental structures
and even then with greatest care…
Yet of late it seems some pyromanic demon
Deep within my psyche has escaped
Wielding a fiery weapon haplessly
against these structures in my life.
Soon I fear all will burn
At my own demon hand
and I will tumble to the seething rapids
Far below
If so, I wonder:
Where will the waters carry me?
Who will survive?
Can I stop
setting fire to this bridge
on which I live?

In the waking,
In my dreams
I miss your presence
Everywhere it seems
To sit beside you close,
to hear your thoughts…
It’s you I want the most
but you are gone.
You’ll return to living
Half a world away
and I’ll return to living
blanketed by grey.
Despite my hopes & efforts
I still just cannot see
A path into your now.
I mourn what will not be.

Sleepless, congested, thoughts a blur
Now through the haze I see a maze–
Wandering paths that tease
but never lead to you.
Are these imaginations of your love
just a fevered dream,
conjured by my weakened mind
to feed this ravenous lust
ever aflame for your heart?
Even as I’m slipping on the edge of sleep
my heart and mind plunge deep
Into the aching longing felt for you.
Then the questions:
Do you despise or fear me?
Are you indifferent or disgusted
learning my desire?
Why do you hide yourself from me?
Perhaps my intensity drives you away?
Could it yet be that somewhere deep deep down
inside the smallest darkest pocket of your heart
you’ve tucked away and buried
a pulsing breathing love still felt for me?
Undying…yes, I think this might be the truth
that frightens you
hiding in the depths of this dizzying maze
eluding my desire,
eluding discovery
blocking me from knowing
whether that crushed love
Remains.

I wanted just to briefly say
How much I thought of you today
I hope you sense my love and care
Throughout your day, as if I’m there.
Always in my heart
With Love,