robin

robin Jul 29

smolder

you are bubbles of forgotten laughter in my
chest, a dormant volcano’s eruption on my skin, a warm summer breeze at the nape of my neck. that tickling feeling.
where you touch, wildflowers grow
while sparks alight.

you make me feel alive.
your arms, a home big enough I can take shelter in

if I am your match,
then you are the wildfire spreading inch by inch underneath my skin.

burn with me.

I am ignited at the thought of you.
lava pools at my toes
as you slowly engulf me,
for if I am to be burned
then do it slowly.
so we may hold hands as we walk through the fire.

for you.

robin Jun 20

difficult winter

like a dog who doesn't know human touch i bite because it feels comfortable
i try to pretend i don't know what fear is but when my back is against the wall,
at the end of the night under my covers,
i'm that same cornered animal with nowhere to run.
except back to myself a place i've been known to avoid and neglect.
dogs run away when they know its there time to die and so do i
from everyone and everything that threatens intimacy, any form of closeness, anything that resembles love.
the girl you once met, that version of me, so happy and unafraid, died clenching her fists
angry
at every chance she gave you
to be a better man.
do you know what you took from her while she waited
do you understand how much strength it took to get up off that floor
how's it feel to be a murderer?
i wish i could shed you like a hare sheds its summer coat for winter
and you could just fall off of me into little pieces on the floor
that way i can put my emotions into something physical, as i watch you melt off of me, someway to release all these feelings i will never say that pang painfully in the glass bottle that is my chest
there is an unbearable heaviness that comes with remembering
every detail
that was you.
my brain is like a broken record of every bad thing that's ever happened to me, the melody, a constant reminder to things i wish i could forget.
i wish i had a brain like yours, how it's so fascinated with the next warm body that exchanges air between you, so forgetful of the air all those nights ago that hung between us. ignorance is bliss and it truly would be a blessing to be so easily distracted, to be a man, a man who takes and forgets so easily
the very person who built him, with nothing but love.
too pretend not to remember the betrayal, is to be sane
so i guess that is just another one of those things ill never be
instead i am numb, i suppose that's the side effect from feeling too much for too many years
like a used towel wrung out of emotion,
today, tomorrow and everyday after that
my hands and feet are frostbitten and piled under mountains of snow
my face maintains the same cold and lifeless expression
tears don't fall like they use to anymore, they pool and itch the back of my eyeballs but hardly grace my cheeks
icicles grow in and around my eyelashes, like metal bars caging my tear ducts, as if to protect the oceans from pouring out of them.
i wish for summer to warm me like it once did,
the sun to kiss my face, gently
to feel like me again
but i'm not sure i know who that is anymore.

its not love i'm afraid of but of losing myself

robin Jun 2023

towards the sun

sometimes i forget about you
but then i am reminded by the bitter winds that swept through these woods
just how cold and lonely it felt
to walk among you for years and never be acknowledged for my worth
just a stranger walking on the other side of the sidewalk, passing you by
even if you want to blame me
i will not let myself forget how i tried for years to warm you up with the glow of my light, my laughter, my love and energy
but you chose to dim it instead

i should have left this place years ago but my bare feet stayed rooted firmly in the ground for the sake of loyalty
in two years time, though just as i remember those things i will also remember today

learning to choose myself even on the days i don’t want too
turning to face the sun
spinning on my heels
and not looking back

robin Jun 2023

patience

beautiful
she says as she softly exhales, taking it all in
a soft smile pursed on her lips
eyes trembling with tears that aren’t allowed to fall
she stares longingly into the distance dreaming dreams of what lies beyond the trees
only closing her eyes to breathe for a moment,
eyelashes brushing against her cheeks
she inhales
breathing in bird songs, mountain sunsets and rushing streams of summer
the trees around her are fragrant and
fill her lungs up with the scent of evergreen perfume as it lingers near her nose
alone
she finally lets the tears fall
knowing she is among friendly faces and without judgement hiding amongst the trees
in their gentle embrace
the wind hugs her softly like an old friend, as it sweeps through the woods
quietly
she lets herself fall apart,
but only for a moment.

she can feel the pine needles poking at her bare feet
but still sits quietly rooted in place
her hands are soil stained and *****
she is tired and desperately in need of rest
but it’s not the type of rest you can lay down and recover from it’s the type you can’t put into words

hush my child
collect yourself,

she breathes out
all of the anger she has clutched onto so tightly like rope for years and stuffed inside her tiny diaphragm, her ribs opening up like a creaky iron gate to unleash it
this is where she also keeps her strength
tucked away, behind the pain.
she is nothing if not resilient

hush, young girl who carries too much on her shoulders
quiet your mind
and
let the pain seep out of your skin and into the ground and grow flowers around your feet

turn it into something beautiful.

relinquish yourself to this moment as you sit
underneath the trees and mountains set before you, and know that you will climb them all
another day.

robin Feb 2023

Never again

I feel empty today, drained like an orange of my juice, my essence. my zest for life, deflated. There is nothing else left of me to give, I have given you all that I once was, so much so I don’t have any left of me to familiarize myself with. I do not know, who I am anymore, I have lost my identity completely in you. I am lost in the same place I was where I found you initially. 17 and alone against the world again trying to fight my way through it.
I feel numb. Like a Familiar friend that I use to welcome in, I now despise, reminiscing with. Sometimes my apathy tastes like pennies on my tongue, I can taste that I am bleeding inside, but my first instinct is to push away the ache, to not feel.
It doesn’t make sense really, because I know I have been fatally wounded and there is no coming back from this but I show everyone else my smile filled with sunbeams as the pain stirs quietly in my chest
I sew my mouth shut and grit my teeth through it.
It’s a different type of ache, us. more specific.
It’s sounds cliche’ and maybe I sound a little naive but I was
I never thought in a hundred lifetimes that our love would feel like this, that we could drift away from each other so ******* far while we’re right next to one another, while I can feel the warmth of your skin next to mine. I always imagined somehow it would be easier, saying goodbye.
More comforting, more hospitable, like saying goodbye to an old friend you know you’re gonna see again, maybe like a limbo  you could hang in while the pain passes, but this pain does not lament.
Because I tried to stop myself from falling completely in with you more than hundred times but somehow I still did. **** this stupid ******* heart of mine, giving itself away for free. I refused to let anyone in before you knocked at my door, i was content being alone and I enjoyed my own company, i was some sort of twisted, happy, I didn’t fall for anyone’s ****** sales pitch, promising me the world. People were just visitors that I allowed in or didn’t.
But I looked at you and I felt myself
I saw how your eyes met mine, the pain that hides in the words you don’t say, and echos in your silence
I felt you so completely it scared me and I tried to run away from it, more times then I can count.
I should have ran. I should have listened
Because somewhere inside of me from the start I always knew it wasn’t going to go the stretch of forever. I doubted your words and your commitments.
It’s just funny
Cause
My gut feeling always told me the same thing
my ability to overthink and always imagine the worst possible outcome was true, those thoughts were always there.
But I ignored them, I ignored it all for you.
Now I get to deal with the guilt of us and of not trusting myself
Now I get to deal with how pathetic I feel for showing all my vulnerability  to someone who didn’t handle the fragile parts of my heart with careful hands
Now I get to painstakingly break myself apart into shards and put myself back together in a new image
So I can be stronger and better then I was before
That part I am embracing
But I promise you this as I am closing this chapter of my life, and saying goodbye to this version of me that I will never let exist again. Never again will I allow someone to make me feel how I let you make me feel
Never again will I give someone so much control over me and my stupid ******* heart
Never again.

robin Jan 2023

Nimbostratus

I loved you with all of me and that’s all I could do in the end.

I tried everything I could to make you see my value but you closed your eyes.

So we walked away from each other.
It seemed to be easier for you, as if you weren’t fully there in the first place
While I clung, I clung like I was holding onto a frayed rope
The idea of you, the lifetime I thought we would live together, the future I believed was a reality.

I fell in love with our ideas.
The words we said together through our hot breath.
The sound of the echo of our laughs in a room.

The good times.
I held on to those memories of you even in a **** storm of bad.

For years I called out your name through that same storm
Hoping you would hear my voice and find your way back to me
Believing we would collapse into each other again and everything would be how it was, how you said for so long things would be.
But the thunder was too loud. The clouds covered your face
And the lightening struck the earth hard and severed the ground right between where we stood together.

I loved you like a child loves
Deeply
But doesn’t know how to express.
I loved you with flaws and rough edges and plenty of mistakes
But with kisses and kindness too.

I loved you with poems and songs,
Romance and gestures that were seldom reciprocated.
I felt you on what I believed was a beautifully real level, but it was one sided.
The pain that hides within you I held it and tried to learn how to best kiss it softly.
I understood your intricacies, deeply and tried to sort through the confusion of why you are the way you are. I gave you excuses but I also had expectations.
I tried to be gentle, but I wasn’t always
and for that part of me I apologize.

I am coming to the realization that
A part of me will always be in love with a part of you.
A part of me will always miss the shape of you in my bed and the weight of your hands in mine. How we would giggle like young kids, So in love with love and how you would hold me close in the night.

But I am walking away from the you I thought that you were
And realizing that you weren’t ever really that person to begin with.

I am walking on broken glass away from the idea of us
Every step hurts
But maybe there will be less pain on the other side. Someday.

I still carry the good with me in my pocket
I have to remember you like that too
To remind myself it wasn’t just you,
I was part of the problem too.
Or I won’t be able to make steps away from the same place I’ve been standing in for years.

I have been weighed down by the cinderblock in my throat for as long as I can remember,
The words that never came out
The lead in my feet
My resistance to acknowledge and heal the ugly sharp parts of myself that have cut you.

The weight of the bad
needs to be acknowledged while I hold hands with the good memories too.
that’s the hardest part..

Things were not all bad.
You were not entirely a bad person
nor was I,
There was a time when what we were was beautiful and those versions of us will live in my heart always.
We are just simply two people with
Too much.

#stormcloud #realtionships #breakups #marriage #divorce

robin Sep 2021

iron gate

empty people with sewn on faces
smiling ear to ear.
saying that they are here,
for you
to help and to hold
and to help you unfold all the sensitivities inside of you.
because your life is no longer about you any more
reluctantly,
you let them in to see you again through your iron gate
they give you hugs and kisses, piles of trinkets
and adorn you with words of how you are great.
then with one look there eyes go cold
They think you need help because you are not very old
and who are you to deny them?
just some silly girl
with blown up expectations..
you can’t say no, you can’t ask why
or else your relationship will be assigned an expiration.
you bite your tongue until it bleeds and pours out from your mouth
your lips quiver with anger that you can’t let out. your needs, your wants your dreams, your family is all just pushed aside
What matters is they get what they from you, because that is implied.
kindness is measured by reciprocity and what you do for me
an obedient little girl is what you’re supposed to be.

#toxicfamily #boundaries
#dismissivefamily #inlaws