For every person there is always a better one
they will all leave until you are left with none
will I just laugh or must I endure
that the love I gave was too pure.
You leave without a glimpse
just carrying not with memory but only with pride
that you left so strong like no teardrop on your eye
yet I still live my life to love and hate
waiting for you to comeback to cry and stay
and will be watching you leave again on another day.

You called out of the blue.
I couldn't believe that it was you. 
But the caller i.d. said your name.
You had dismissed my presence for so long that I was in awe.

You asked to come over.
I let you in.
I couldn't believe my eyes.
All the feelings I had for you starting rushing back in like they were a river pouring through me.

We starred at each other reminiscing on our memories together.
The connection that had always held us up was there,
It was as clear as the sky and both of us could see it.
Maybe it had never really left.

I could see in your eyes that it was taking everything in you to not lean forward and kiss me.
The ****** tension started rising up in both of us.
My head was screaming yes.
But my heart was shaking no.
I had been unconsciously waiting for this moment for as long as I could remember. 

So I gave in.
I went with my head.
As soon as I knew it we were lying in my bed and you were outlining my body with your hands.
I craved your touch.
You were the happiest I had ever seen you,
You always were when we were together.
I wanted to stop time and live in this moment forever.

Even though this moment was perfect,
Everything in me knew I should say no and screamed that this was a bad idea,
But I was too happy to listen to anything besides his breath.
He was everything I wanted.

I could see he was falling back inlove with me.
We both were.
It was scaring the **** out of us.
Right when he realized his feelings he pulled as fast as he could away.

He thought we could just use each other to fill the gap of loneliness.
But nothing ever goes as planned, with us.

He finally left and I was then stranded with my feelings,
All over again.

I never asked for this.
I never wanted to know you
to feel you on my morning skin
to hear you whisper songs with the wind

I never wanted you.

And I was such an idiot for not wanting you
but you pulled me in
and promised me on that painful night
that joy would come with the dawn

I never wanted you.

Especially now that you refuse to
leave me
I've been faithless my entire life but
now I think I can manage just
a drop
even though it's the size of a mustard seed.

I never wanted you.

Because of you I can't have it my way
I want my way
but yours is always better and I know that
but I still try to
go
and you still
take me back
every single time

I never wanted you.

I didn't ask for your love
Your stupid, relentless --
I hate this
because it's too much for me to take in
to hold in
but it's a beautiful kind of hate
How come your love is like this
it's like an ocean and I'm drowning, but the thing is
I'm allowing the drowning
I didn't ask for your love because

I never wanted you.


You wanted me.

I wonder why it is that you have not left my mind
Too far behind to even say goodbye
Little by little you were slipping out of my grasp
Until out of nowhere there was absolutely nothing left

When will you come back - we both know you will
When will you look into my eyes again and hold me close at your will?
When will we stay up again - rolling in the sheets
Bodies interlocked.
Eyes stay meet.
With the moon glowing bright
Until the sun sinks in
"I can never get any sleep when I'm with you, what am I going to do with you?"
This is my excuse for why you ran away

So many questions I've been waiting for you to answer
Shall I wait much longer?
They say "distance makes the heart grow fonder."
So why haven't you called?
Or do you not care at all?

Just tell me you care and I will be there
Am I making this up all in my head?
It's easier to think you just wanted to **** me instead.
But if this is true - why would you say the things that you do?

"If it were any other time in my life Stefanie, I would have chased you until the sun burnt out."
If you felt this way then how not now?
The sun is still shining and you're not behind me.

Ah, I see it was all a game
You conquered me and left me to shame
And now we can never be friends again and it pains me inside
To lose the friendship we used to have because of a sweet talking lie

I will love you forever, this I know
And I know you will think about me and our time together
Holding me in your arms
Kisses on my back
It has been a year full of tears
And I want my energy back
It is no longer yours to keep
I am tired of feeling weak

This is me letting go, until the sun burns out.

I feel the warden staring down at me.
Is he staring at the furrowing of my pensive brow,
smirking as my thoughts churn endlessly?
Getting a kick out of these antsy lips,
Laughing at the wretch with flighty focus?
Laughing
at the reddening in my eyes
as a trembling, glossy veil surfaces? I’m done here. Leave me alone. I just want to
Focus.

The warden sinks his long, icy fingernails into my collarbones .
A winter frost crawls up my neck.
His wicked tongue slithers into my ear and poisons my potential.
My thoughts churn until they are on fire.
I claw at my eyes, and see my
Autonomy,
encapsulated inside a foggy membrane.

The warden callously twirls the key
to a world beyond my anxiety.

We could do it you know

We could run away together and leave all of it behind

All the second thoughts all the outside opinions would vanish

We could just be together

We could spend everyday doing things that make us happy

There would be no expectations no moral obligations

Just us and what we want to do

We really could do it you know

But the question is...
Would you want to?

If you looked at my life from the outside in you would never see that I feel how I feel.
Looking at me I am not different or unique,  nothing to show trials I have survived or the things I endured, my suffering isn't extraordinary or could be admired.
I am blessed in so many ways, I don't go hungry at night, I have a bed to sleep in, so many things to fill my home, a job that I enjoy and a family that loves me dearly and so much more ... how then could I feel so much pain so lost so lonely...because of this I feel also unbelievable guilt.
Each day is almost the same from start to finish I am safe from danger and how rarely do I feel motivated, alive or even inspired.
At times I just want to scream out loud or drop to my knees and cry but what good what that do?
What right do I have to feel the way I do, how dare I cast all the many wonderful things aside?
If I scream or cry and try and let you know how I feel it does no good, because it's never fully understood and I make no sense you say anyone would trade my life with me if they could and your words are so very true.
People are suffering, starving and dying they are persecuted, punished and scared all living each day with no one to be kind.
How can I feel so alone when at any given moment I could reach out and touch another person?  
I have tried and tried to explain what and why I feel this way but it always causes more damage than good things would be better if you only understood.
All our lives we are told to be strong, it could be so much worse but I'm too the point where my tears come at a simple song as if it's nowhere I belong, if I speak it will only begin to worsen.
Why can't my tears be like the rain... washing the mess of the day away the beginning of another chance and another day... no my tears are the end of me holding it all that I could.
So I think what right do I have to be so sad and I don't have a clue of real pain, it's true I don't have the right to feel this way and is everything just coming of my imagination?

I am thankful though ... sometimes it's good to know I can feel anything at all so I'll go each day strong and standing tall.