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This color is yet to get a name
Though most have seen its hues
For some this color is not yet known
For they've yet to pay their dues

There are no words to help describe
This color we carry inside
It's never seen the light of day
In darkness, it chooses to hide

Though many have tried to define it
None can comprehend
You need the light to see the colors
But the light cannot decend

Empty spaces and hollow dreams
Encompass its outer core
Shadows of what used to be
Block the only door

This color though it has no words
Will tear your world apart
A color that has no name at all
Is the color of a broken heart
Chained to all my past mistakes
I drag around my pain
The cries from my wicked past
Has become my ball and chain

I dare not beg for mercy
For mercy I gave none
There isn't enough forgiveness
For the terrible things I've done

My conscience that condemns me
Fills me with regret
Reminding me of the pain I've caused
Making sure I never forget

My memories make me weaker
A man who once was strong
The loneliness is what I hate the most
Punishment for all my wrong

I've burned the bridges that life has built
So here I must remain
Chained to all my past mistakes
Dragging this ball and chain
Deep in the ground,
and about to drown.
From the loneliness that has come over.
There's no one here to save me,
from what I'm going to be.
Dead and Alone ...
but now it is time to go
from this place so low
and go lower and lower.
To a place no one would ever want to go.
There is no hope.
There is no life
left in side of me.
I must go there-
I'm so full of despair!
My life is ruined
and it can never get fixed.
As I'm finishing my journey,
I thought I'd never be free.
I'm finally there
and I'm choked with lava.
Now dead and alone.
Dead and Alone!!
For there is no one here to ever save me.
My life is so full of secrecy.
Does heaven even exist in me ??
NO! NO! NO!
Now I meet the devil himself-
red and monstrous.
No wander he must be
the king of Hell.
Just before he touches me-
a light shines.
It fills up the world
and an angel comes down.
She says to me:
"Child why are you here?"
I could not speak.
"Come with me child, you will never be here."
The devil was in shock
and so was I.
An angel has never come down here before.
"This is a terrible place, you do not need."
She takes me by the arm
and lifts me free.
Now I have beautiful wings
and a magnificent dress.
I'm now an angel
and we fly to heaven.
My new home!
It starts with a bubbling feeling
that fills then over flows
your cords start vibrating
your stomach knots and hurts
as you slap your knee
and threat urinating
toppled over in a joyous
social transaction
one that turns awkard to ease
and crippling pain into soulful healing
The greatest act to share with someone who cares
There's lots of magic in the little moments spent lost in uncontrolable laughter
I cling to the rough,
warped edges
and **** in a breath
as I feel them tear
through my fingers.
The blood makes it slick,
easier to fall,
or easier to slide.

I shuffle my feet,
and I slide,
ever so delicately,
wind slapping my face,
but gently.  
We slide here.

I came out here to see
something.
I don’t know what.
I could hear it humming
in the back of my mind,
and it sounded warm.

My blood is warm,
and the cuts sting,
more when I grab on
tighter.
I can feel some going right
down to the bone.
I wince when it scrapes,
but my teeth don’t crack,
so I can hold on
a little longer.

It’s quiet,
and I know there
should be voices.
There should be
many voices.
Shouting.
Screaming.
But there’s nothing.
Only the wind in my ears,
and the shuffle of my feet.
There’s no sound for when I bleed.

At least it’s bright out.
I just wish I could see
something.
Anything, so long as
it’s warm.
I could hear it,
like a promise,
in a dark room with
bare white walls
and rain coming in
through the cracks in
the window.

It’s gone now,
even the room
is gone.
And it’s so quiet.
It hurts being out here,
so I slide, ever so quietly.
No one will hear me,
not out here,
not if I slide.

The ground is close.
I could make it.
I could let go,
and still bleed,
but the pain would end.
I could let go,
and maybe then I’d
hear them.

The ground is close.
I could make it.
Maybe even
land on my feet.
I could let go,
and walk it off.
Walk,
but where?

Even the room
is gone,
and it’s so quiet,
no one to even
scream.
I came out here
to see.
To hear,
to feel
something.

I walked
here.
And now there’s only
the blood on my hands,
and the silence,
and I can’t feel the pain
anymore,
it’s too deep,
there’s only the blasted
silence,
and the bright light of day
that blinds my every move
as I try to climb and wish
I could jump,
and if I could only hear them,
hear them shout,
scream,
“Climb!” or
“Jump!”
I would do either in a heartbeat,
just to stop the blood.  
Just to stop the pain I can’t even feel.

But everything is gone.
So I slide.
 Jan 2013 Refined in Flames
Ann
I guess shoving the sheets under my pillow so precisely didn't help.
I watched you throw the quarter in hopes it was going to sink.
But you, military man, you smirked and let me off.
I think those early nights when the TV was still going and I’d cuddle into the little nest
of your legs as you slept so loudly reminded me.
Your rough hands also reminded me. As when one grabbed my ear
for I decided to be sassy for a moment.
Even though I knew it was hard to say yes, I think you saw the yearning on my face
and I saw the hesitation on yours but I would just whisper dad.
For some reason, buying them didn't matter because you thought those books were necessary.
You already had Shakespeare and the thought of my own haunted my thoughts.
But those rough hands weren't always rough.
And that nest wasn't around as often.
But my books are still napping lightly.



Sometimes I see the old woman’s face staring at me after she told me
that you didn't know what you would do without me.
I didn't stand there very long. You never told me.
So, I didn't believe her.
Maybe it was the seventh or maybe the eighth concert
when I didn't see you out in the audience.
By the fourth year, I forgot you even knew.
I stopped telling people my mom was coming.
Sometimes I would cry for you as you were tenaciously
bent over in the kitchen working on your Korean food.
But you also had rough hands. Ones that meticulously graced a shade of rose on your lips
before work each morning.
Guilt washed over me as a little more than kin and less than kind
surfaced in my thoughts.
The stain in your eyes said you wanted me to do more.
As much as you focused
you didn't know what else could have been done.
I wanted so much not be the progeny of hard hearts.



Humility was a virtue you reminded me so fully I had to practice.
Pride was a fault, turn the other cheek.
He that is proud eats himself up, hoping you hadn't misquoted.
You wanted me to read. But academically speaking, reading was too expensive
and not meant for some.
Why bother?
Mom had turned out fine.
And one day I’ll just have rough hands as well.



I think I watched you go outside four times for a smoke
before you finally finished balancing the check book.



I had recounted over and over in my head if it had been a dream.
Sometimes I have to tell myself it was in order for
it to be that much easier.
I didn't like believing that either of you were considered a pillar.
Because you hadn't been.
Sometimes I forget, but then the books begin to snore
and the pink shade peeks through my makeup bag.
I wasn't one for pleading. It had been years, I’m sure, since
you’d heard it the last time. What is past is prologue, though
he had mentioned it in different context.
When you answered the phone, humility set in and I had
become a child again.
My worn hands were bleeding and I had no one else to lean on.
Shakespeare had been in slumber for far too long.
that
               --should you leave the world for a while
there are people who remember the smell
of your clothes
of your skin after being in the sun
your hair after the rain
that there are people who know your favorite color
your favorite author
who would bring you flowers
in mason jars
{irises and ivy and daffodils and gardenias and honeysuckle and sage}
to cheer you when spring rain
carries away your joy
that there are people who know your favorite sound
that there are people who remember what your eyes look like
in the sun
or care about mundane tales from your childhood
like how you got a scar on your palm
or why you’re afraid of to-go boxes and the wind
that there are people who would make you
rhubarb jam
or oolong or english breakfast in early morning hours
who would read your poetry
or make you earrings
or hold your hand when the wind blows too hard
and empty stomachs cry too loud

and sometimes it’s nice to have friends
who think you are pretty
and think of you when they smell lavender
instead of wondering
 Jan 2013 Refined in Flames
Tilly
One                                     
                                                    d           ­                                                               
                                           e                                                        
                               a                                    
                  d                
          leaf       
brown & brittle
hangs upon a branch
Swayed by a Northly wind
     You turned to me,                         
                saying gently                                                   
   you would be gone            long before  
      the tree                  outside your window   
                              lost every one of its leaves                   You                         
                                       forgot                that brighter greens grow                                  
                                        beneath those rough        dark capillaries                                     
                                                which span this                 grey horizon                                              
                                                 Days pass                 shadows shorten                                                 
      & Spring renews            Sun warms       
     our upturned faces   Maybe soon      
                 you'll glimpse that fragile hope                 
                                                  still fluttering          above us                                                   
                            ­                            in the dappled canopy One                                                         
                                 single skeletal leaf       I'd                                   
                        attached­         with a                          
           steel safety pin            
.
A grand-daughters true story.
Sunrays are fading,
It's the end of a pretty day,
The morning was elading;
I'm sorry days end this way.

But I have always loved the beautiful night,
The Moon casting her rays into my room,
Makes such a pretty sight;
Night is the time when roses bloom.

Dewdrops glisten on the roses,
Like sparkling jewels,
The cold settles on Fairies' glowing cheeks and noses;
It's the time when they sit or lay upon toad stools.

The Moon's rays are fading from my lawn,
The Moon's rays are fading from sight,
It's no longer night it is dawn;
It is morning no longer night.

*~Marian~
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