I **** in my pain the same way I **** my stomach in.
I inhale till my tummy feels basically flat even though you can see it sticking out.

I take care of my pain just the same way I take care of my weight loss.
I go to extreme measures of not eating and then one day explode and eat everything till it physically hurts.

I'm not doing a good job.

I think I fully hate myself more and more now

I'm not saying my poems are a cry for help.
But I'm also not saying they are a sign of elation.
It's just that for so long.
Till now, I have to be the bearer of strength.
I have to forget that I'm human and I'm suffocating.
And deal with everyone else.

And for a long time coming.
I knew I'd reach a point of being tired but never stopping.
Of being broken and down but my support to others never dropping.
The only thing down, would be my own self.
Burning and turning to ash as I fix everyone.
As I make them feel good.

Now Look at me.
Unaware of who I am.
I don't know

I just
I think, I'm not okay.
And I don't even know the first steps.

You write a lot of poems.
So I guess that's a bonus.

I was going to write this down on a piece of paper.
But my mind is moving faster than my pen flow.
And  at this point it's hard to take things slow.
Particularly this piece.

I feel like a lost soul.
Wandering the space of time.
Trying to open my third eye but my face isn't progressive enough.
So I close my only two eyes
god I hope this works.

She told me " The universe is infinite"
I told her "I know"
She told me "To always write about my current state of mindset"
But it's extremely hard to do that when you're lost.

What does it mean though?
To be lost and to feel entrapped in the global blue?
Does it mean to write continuously about searching further than the universe?
Does it mean that my poetical element becomes far greater and deeper than when my mind is less conflicted?
Because if so, It means to gradually inflict myself to get to a greater stage.
To grow and to feel an abundant amount of emotions.
To be overwhelmed and then let poetry take it all in.

She told me "No, you are lost because the universe is larger than you"
I told her "I know"

I feel lost because I am searching for something that I do not know.
I wander aimlessly with a thousand visions and goals in mind,
but not enough time to find what  a "true calling could be"

I am  all alone,
trapped in my mind. all alone.
Lost and and wandering the unknown.
Searching for all I could ever know.

Green, blue, purple, brown. That's all I see.
The potential to write my best piece ever.
The potential to really figure it all out, to compare forever and always.

It's pretty dark here.
Just me and the infinite milky-way.
Just me and my ever moving soul.

She told me, "That's not it"
I told her "I know"

I'm thinking too much and not at all at once.
If this Piece  feels convoluted, I will not apologise.
Forgive me.

I feel pain and happiness at once.
I smile as I pierce through my skin with this bland razor
Tired of hearing you're a gladiator.

I'm too lost for that.
Stuck in this infinite galaxy,
searching for the sun.
They say it's everywhere.
How am I lost?
Someone please tell me, how am I lost?
I can't find a way
entrapped in this galaxy.
Why am I lost.
Forever lost
Tell me why being  lost is my always?

She told me "You're almost there"
I told her "I'm not"

"I'm still fighting my way, caged by my mind. I feel this is as far as I could go, I could travel the whole world. Begin and end my journey and still find myself in this room"

"I'm a lost girl"

"You're not alone"
"I know"

"Let me in, I'll show you why you were a lost girl"

CHANGES.

You were lost girl, I'll tell you why.
You were lost girl, I'll tell you why.
All alone, thats how you felt.
No one knew how you were all alone.
No one understood.
But I'm here now, you're not alone.
I don't think you know,
You were a lost soul.
But I'm here girl,
You are are more than what you see.
Let me show you.
Let me just take it all in.
I'll show you.
You're not lost girl.
There's reason behind me.

You're not alone.

"I'm here"

I don't have a reason to be sad.
I've been told quite a lot that there's no substantial trauma from my interaction with the world.
That I have a life that seems to be significantly solid and constant.

Regardless of my cries and need to not be the strong person in every aspect of my life or anyone's life that I seem to be in.
I've been put in a case where I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG.

I've cried to the walls and I've been comforted by the cold corners,
But none of that has ever been of human support.
And man, it's hard.
Hiding my pain
Taking all their strains
and it's hard.

It's painful
Because here I stand, scrapes and bruises all over my mental and there's no one to tell me everything will be fine.

No one to hold me tight, hug me and be strong for me.

I can't be strong for myself because I've drained all my energy on everyone else but me.

And at the back of my mind, something is telling me to numb the pain
But I don't want to go back there again.
At the same time, I'm afraid I'm already there.

I think I have been in various situations where I was sure that you're the one.
Blindly ignoring the red flags, the warning signs.
I was hell bent.
I thought you were heaven sent.

And I was wrong,
But I'm older and wiser now.

And I will not ignore the voice in my head or anything if at all my heart assumes that someone is. the one.
I want green lights everywhere, I can't base true love on anything toxic.

You stare into your mobile device.
Brows furrowed.
Searching for a sign,
A subliminal message.
Some sort of affirmation.

Why?
Let the past ponder on its own.
Let the future build itself.
Overthinking and searching so desperately for a sign makes it harder for fate to do its own work.

Relax yourself.