You always seem to find a way to make a sunny day into a cloudy one.

When you left to go get your things,
Your dad looked up and found me.
I couldn't not say hello,
So I walked towards him hoping he couldn't see my true emotions.
He pulled me in for a tight hug,
He kissed my cheek,
And asked me like he knew, "Are you okay? How are you?"
I tried my best to put on a smile,
And I said I've been fine.
But I've never been much of a liar.
He looked at me with that stern look,
And I tried to lighten up the conversation by talking with my friends.
But I could see him in the corner of my eye,
And I knew then that he could see right through me.
After I was done putting on the show
We said our goodbyes.
He pulled me in for another hug,
Another kiss on my cheek,
And said "We all really miss you. You're always welcome Rachel."
I tried my best to be okay,
I truly did.
But even the Xanax couldn't calm me down today.

the medicine is kicking in, my mind is numbing once again

you're the one I want at the end of the day

and all the times I've wanted to truly apologize seem to escape me.
this new year consists of one true apology told to someone who
deserved nothing less
and everything inside of me just wants to say it again
and again
and again--

he said i was beautiful,
but we all know that beauty doesn't save the ******.

the devil always comes back for his demons

I USED TO NEVER NEED A GPS TO FIND THE GOOD IN YOU, BUT AS OF LATE, I HAVE BEEN GRASPING AT EVERY MAP THAT I CAN FIND.

You look quite
Beautiful today.

with you
i am a
singularity.
i am
nothing and
everything
all at the
same time.
you make me
feel like i am
so important,
then like i am
not even
alive.

will i make the big bang or will i
be a one in a million shot like
all the other universes
were?'

I want to touch your soul,
Not just your body.
I want to feel your heartbeat,
Right against my heart.

Skin on top of skin,
No sheets inbetween.
Places untouched,
Will soon be discovered.

I'll fix your heart,
If you'll fix mine.
I'll kiss your lips,
And hold you tight.

Nothing will harm you,
I can promise you that.
I'll be there for you,
Till the end of time.

God, the scent of us afterward,
The crazy mess of our love.
Left over pieces of us,
Could be put back together.

As you trace my scars,
I let out a moan.
You know why
I'm scared.

Scared of what comes next,
Because I'm scarred from the last time.
I'm broken because of him,
But you, her, she, you, plan to make me feel
Loved.

                                                    ­                          That'll never happen though
It's just a dream.
A stupid fantasy.
You'll never want to touch my soul
My body
Or listen to my heartbeat.
You don't want
My lips on yours
You don't like
The scent of my skin
You hate
My moans.
And I know
You don't plan to put together the
Broken pieces of me.


So, why is it that I want you?

The other night I couldn't help but
ramble about the Cosmos and everything I seem to think about
when I see the world around me.
You were smiling on the camera
and all I could do was keep talking
and saying theories and smiling about
the Universe because the stars make me so very happy and so do you and
I honestly have no idea what will happen when I lose the both of my favorite things-- You and the Cosmos.

I would say I love her because
I really do. At first it was friendly,
then it somehow became known
that I had more feelings for her
than I meant too.

But, today I realized that I loved her.
Not the kind of love that couples seem
to feel lately. Like, the kind that comes
so fast and fades so quickly?
No, this is something... beautiful.

I didn't want her to leave.
I wanted to pull her close and
just have her nuzzle into my
painful neck. I wanted sweet
kisses to be planted there,
and for it to heal me like
they always do.

I knew I loved her when I
fearlessly kissed her in the hallway.
it was easier because nobody except
she, Morgan, and I were there so I
didn't have to worry about someone
saying something.

But, in all honesty, I wouldn't care
one bit if someone would have seen us.
She makes me happy and as I to she.
Why shouldn't our happiness count?
Why can I not show my feelings?
I am in love with her, so please
tell me how this is fair?

How is it fair that I have to hide?
Having a beautiful and healthy relationship
full of love and trust and two beautiful souls...
Why should we have to hide when
abusive relationships are allowed and
people who are are sexist and rapists
are allowed to roam the world?

All I ask is for acceptance and love.
I just want to be able to walk around
with my head held high and to
be able to hold her hand, with my thumb
caressing the back of her hand.
I just want to kiss her when I want to
and not feel like I am disturbing others.
Loving her and being with her feels so right...
So why can I not show it?

I love her... I really do.
She is my night and my day.
My dark and my light.
My winter to my spring...
Please don't take my happiness away.

When I lie close to you
I can feel your breaths.
Your hot, wet,
Air
Exhaling into me.
I accept it
Inside of me
And I
Let it control me.

When I say I love you, you don't believe me. You think you can't be loved and you won't accept love. I think that you're scared that I might stop loving you at anytime, but I won't. Now if this is the reason, then okay, it's acceptable, because at least I know somewhere deep down inside your soul that you believe me.

that's what he said to me when I walked into the white room,
sat on the green chair, and I listened to the sound of my heart beating in that lonely room.
"You have an addiction, Rachel."
"No..no I don't."
"Rachel, your body is literally addicted to painkillers. If you don't stop, the pain will continue to get worse and whatever is left of the lining of your stomach will disappear. You will be put into the hospital if this progresses."
"It won't, I don't have a problem. I'm not addicted. I just take them once in awhile because I have horrible headaches."
"How often would you say that you take them? Once a week? Twice?"
I shuddered as the realization dawned on me that I do not take them once or twice a week, but almost every single day in 800mg incrimates.
He looked at me closely as I stuttered while forming my response.
"I...I take...I take them at least...maybe...everyday?...Just a few though...not a lot of them..."
"How many is 'a few'?"
"...about 3...sometimes 6 if it's really bad."
I hear gasps come from my mother and my doctor as they look at me in horror. I looked down at my hands and fiddled with them while they explained why this was a terrible problem.
"When did this start?"
I couldn't figure out an exact date, but I know it's been a few months. First it was just painkillers, and then I switched to sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep anymore. Once sleeping became worse with those pills, I switched back to just painkillers because those didn't cause terrible nightmares that I couldn't wake from no matter how hard I tried.
"A few months, I think. Maybe 2...3..."
My mom and my doctor talked for awhile about a game plan to get me off these painkillers and onto another medicine that can help reverse the effects of what I've done to my body.
I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't.
I guess it's just another way I was trying to cope with the pain without realizing it.

you have no right
to show her my feelings
and my life,
unless you belong here,
just please stop looking
to stir up trouble.
my thoughts and my
actions are mine
and this sites only

stop starting ****,
im ******* sick of it.
i am happy,
and so is she.
so why the **** would you
want to ruin that?

You make me smile everyday and
I know shouldn't think that this might
go somewhere, but
I cannot seem to not think
about where this could
go.

you always pretended to
care about me.
that it was okay
to act this way.
with you,
nothings okay.
with you,
im in the dark
because i always believed
you were my light.
you're a fighter and
the shelter i'm in
hasn't been repaired
by you like it
should be.
with you,
i know what its like
to be alone.
with you,
my heart breaks
times and times again.
nothing is okay
with you
anymore.

my blood pours and
i call to you for a rag but
you must've taken it
by accident when you
picked up your clothes off the
floor this morning.

my journal consists of:
tears
laughter
***** jokes
poetry
song lyrics
death
comics
drawings
love
flowers
nail polish
music
crumpled up to-do lists
love letters
names written in cursive
photos
thoughts;
you know that.
but what you don't know is that
it consists of:
tears from crying over you
laughter over all the good times we've had
***** jokes because they mean more to me than you think
poetry about the way you make my lips quiver
song lyrics about how many times i've fell for you
death because i know i'll never win your heart
comics of how we'd become a couple
drawings of how beautiful you are
love (silly you, always knowing the way to my heart)
flowers because you smell like fresh ones
nail polish reminds me of the time i did your nails and i broke a glass vase somehow
music because you taught me the importance of it
crumpled up to-do lists because you always seemed to be on the top
love letters that i'll never show you
names written in cursive (obviously yours)
photos of us that will forever remain in my heart
thoughts about you;
youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou
you
you
you're always on my mind and
i can't get you out.

You're my Best-friend,
Not my lover.

But it always seems to be more than that.

It's funny,
How much I care about you.
I'm actually, for some reason,
Crying as I write this.

Your eyes...
They're so blue.
You have this one picture
Your eyes look so glossy,
Perfect.

Your lips are pouty
And slightly pink.


What would I do to
Kiss your lips?
Many, many things my dear.

For you, I think I'd give up every life I've got
To live.

You're worth all my lifetimes and more.

you say you love me through drunken dialed phone calls at 5 in the morning and I can't say it back. I just don't want to give you something that I know I lack. If I had the love you deserved then maybe I'd be the one for you. But I am crimson and you are green and together we create a different hue.