you're the only thing in my life that feels truly right, right now.
i just hope I'm not wrong and
everything goes wrong
again.

and I wonder why he said I shouldn't do it... Because he thinks I cannot do it or does he know it'll only hurt me in the end?

When you smile bright
It reminds me of
A burning ember
Throughout the night.

The fire will shine
Through the hour
And looking at you
I know you're mine.

Thinking of when
I had you here
Knowing well
I'm not who I was then.

And maybe so
You'll come by
Tell me how
To get to know.

Given up this
I'm not like
I used to be
Sometimes I miss.

I'm       But
Fall-     They
Ing       Don't
For       Know
Your    Me
Eyes     Yet.

I waited for you and
I still am waiting.
The difference from then
To now is that
I have hope
In us.

We bounce around the subject of us.
Whether it's because we just started being romantic with one another or
because we're trying to feel things out,
we're just "iffy" on this subject.
We want more, but asking is scary, and you're not one to be forward.
You brought it up though, sort of stuttering when you asked, "Is there an us?"
I smiled at the thought, because I've never been much into boys. At least, I've never been completely attracted to them. But I am completely to attracted to you, and you make me so happy.
Why wouldn't I want there to be an "us"?
"I would think so."
"We already act like we are together, and one of my friends is practically begging me to ask you out already."
"I don't want you to ask me to be your girlfriend because one of your friends keeps bugging you. I want you to ask me because you really like me and because I make you happy too."
"I do really like you and God Rachel, you make me extremely happy."
"I know, and I feel the same way."
"Just know that I will, okay?"
"Will...what...?"
"And I'm the oblivious one?"
"Oh shut up."
"Make me."
"No, cmon, tell me what you meant by 'just know that I will'."
"Just know that I will ask you to be my girlfriend."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay. Just know that this isn't a rush or a race. I'm enjoying getting to know you and being what we are now. Yes, I'd love to date you, and I'm looking forward to that. But, I don't want you to feel rushed. I want you to feel ready, just like how I want to feel ready too."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Okay."
"I like you, Rachel."
"I like you too, Brock."

and I looked at you like you were a doormat that said "Welcome Home", but you only treated me like I was a bright neon sign that said **"One Night Only"

You remind me of
Love.
But when I'm alone in the darkness of my room
I can hear the slowing down of your
Heartbeat.
You think you aren't
Alive?
Watch me drown these pills,
Then we'll see who really is.

they giggled as i cried.
it was harmless tears.
everybody thought that
i was crying due to the
fact that animals were being
mauled right in front of me.
and yes, that is half true.
but, the real reason i started having a
panic attack was because i started thinking
and thinking and remembering things.
memories were brought back and
i just couldnt help but
put my head down and cry.
he told me that it was
going to be okay because
the animal was alive.
but, he didnt know why i
was crying. he didnt know
that i was being reminded of
the mistakes ive made and
why i will never ever be good
enough.

how do i tell someone that
i feel so useless?
im not sure.

she's next to me
sleeping soundly
and her sweet laugh
is on my mind
swimming around
while I try to sleep
I'm looking for a
girl that I cannot
find.

You take me in uncharted waters,
and I know things will be okay.

I almost ran out of my seat
Due to the feeling of
Vile coming up my
Throat.

But, I cannot tell wether
It is because I am hungry
Or if I am too stressed.

Maybe it is just a
Mixture of both.

I haven't had time to think lately
my mind has been vexed by the
thoughts of him that run through me
each and every day.

I realized that one day I will
never be able to see again.
I will never see her beauty
or see my bestfriends smile.
I will also not be able to hear.
Not your voice or any others.
I will not be able to touch...
I want to feel your warmth over me
for the rest of my days, my dear.
And singing will become impossible
because I will not be alive.
Everything will be dead.
Could it be possible that
maybe I can save my mind
before I lose it again?

still trying to find my
voice
even when im
drowing in a
never ending sea of
them.

i did not feel pretty
but he said
i was?

he wants to discuss the
universe so
im pretty
stoked.

i wished to fit in
my dress and
now it hangs
off of my
chest.

I've really wanted to
Cut
At least a dozen times today
But then I remember the reasons why I shouldn't and
Everything seems to be okay.

I'll give you a
piece of my
mind
after you spare me
a token of your
heart.
I'll let you know
what I want to
find
and I'll even give
you a good place to
start.

I give my love fully, but it always ends up being such a waste.

It drips like water, sometimes gushes like a spring
It rolls down faster, hits it with a ding!
You know what this is, I know you that you know it
Because if you did not then what where would it fit?
It dribbles and drops and falls and goes down faster
Wouldn't this be sexier if read by my pastor?
And oh how you know what I'm talking about
But sadly there is no water where there is a drought.

the waves are splashing
our ships are crashing
I am not sure when our feet can touch the floor,
nevertheless when we'll reach the shore.

we were smoothing sailing
now were barely holding the railing
the sun rose over sand and gave me the key to my locks,
but I lost it in the water when we fell atop sharp rocks.

we fell with a soft touch
and all we're left with is not much.
drowning was always a chance but somehow I knew you could save
me from the side effect of these rough waves.

do seas always come with rough water every time?
the rungs never have seemed this hard to climb.
the light up ahead seems dimmer with every sin,
with every waking minute getting harder to live in.

if the world were flat and the sea were dry,
maybe this death wish would fly away in the sky.
but yet I have you to love for by the day,
Love and compassion will show me the way.

I had a dream that
All the people I've ever loved or
Cared about last night
Took turns to do terrible,
terrible things to me.
Mike, you told me that
You never cared about me.
Skylar, you told me
I never mattered.
Ashley, you said you
Just pretended to be my friend.
Mom, you didn't say much except for hitting
Me like you used too.
Dad, you left. Again. And again. And again.
Tori, you told me to lose more
Weight because I'm fat.
Bryce, you told me the Doctor wasn't real.
Macky, you told that
All those times you
Touched me was because
I was useless.
Joey, that you never really did love me and
That you never will.
Mrs.Jennie, I'm not your daughter, Am I?
And so many more...
But last but not least,
I saw myself.
Looking at me.
Smirking that evil smirk.
Laughing,
And taunting me.
Telling me over and
Over again that
I'll never be good enough.

I woke up crying and
I knew why they thought I
Might be capable of suicide.
It's because I'm just so weak.

Maybe I'm
gone.
Definitely
I'm weak.
You
Tell me things I don't want to hear.
So I
Cease your speak.

Your voice
Like velvet
Smooth
Like your skin.

You always find the parts of me,
Somehow you always win.

And I didn't want to be a flower, I wanted to be a ****. I wanted to always been in your heart, so that whenever you decided to pluck me out, I would come right back and infest your whole self with me over and over again.

Everybody's worried but
Nobody's concerned.
There's a difference,
And I wish you were
Both.

I know the difference between love and lust, trust me, i do.
But we have to stop talking about love like its the only feeling
you're allowed to have.
Maybe I want a little fun, a little adventure, a little... Lust.
Maybe I want neither, and I just want to explore who I am attracted to.
Maybe I do want love, but just not from you anymore.
Whatever it may be, we need to stop pretending like love is the only feeling you're allowed to have.
I think then we will begin to be truthful to ourselves and our feelings.

do I come off as
ignorant
as well?

*******.

Seeing you is
Different now.
I can imagine
Tears rolling
D
   O
      W
          N
Your rosy cheeks
And
You pushing back your
Gelled hair frantically.
You're scared;
Not for yourself
But for me.
You're scared
Because you care about
Me.

You hate seeing your
Little girl so
Fragile;
So broken.

You've only known
Her as strong,
Independent,
And kind.
She only cries cause
She's emotionally
Unbalanced
But
The real reason is that
She fights her
Demons
And nobody knows.

We use forever like we know it will be,
but why can't our hearts just ******* see
that nothing now last forever,
not the stars not radioactive waste,
so why did we think we stood a
chance when forever can't even
look us in the face?

ive never been enough
even in my mind,
i fight to win the rival that
never ends.
the only things that bring me comfort
are Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings,
mhm... yes i miss you and that smile
of yours dear god, it is like heaven.
but, you see, ill never be enough
ive always known that.
neither the doctor nor the hobbit will
come to save me.

i hate being so dispensable
i feel so bad for my friends and my family,
they have to deal with me all the time
but i guess when im gone
everybody will grab a glass of wine.

cheers, shes finally dead.
(i say this all the time in my head!)

oh dear, dont be sad,
be glad,
shes dead and the
demons are gone from her
blasted head.

(can i make the same end-rhyme twice?)

I came in like a child.
You didn't notice me as I
threw colored markers towards your desk.
You smiled, pulled down your glasses slightly and said,
"Whoever you are, do know that I am licensed to ****."
And I couldn't help but giggle and pop out from behind the door.
He smiled and I walked over to him, slightly touching the things on his desk,
and just asking how he was, to which he said he was "terrible".
I asked why but then I realized how busy he seemed so I said,
"I am so sorry, you seem busy. I'll come by later."
And as I walked away he stopped me and said,
"Rach, you aren't doing anything wrong. I just... I have a lot of work to get done and having you around is wonderful, but I tend to get... distracted. Do come by later though, Alright?"
And I smiled and said of course.

I left, not sure of how to feel. I didn't expect to get into a big conversation or anything, but
I just kind of... Missed him.

Maybe the feeling is right... maybe it is wrong. But, what am I even feeling?

you kissed her with your eyes opened,
so what did you expect?
did you expect her to stay and to
keep on taking that?
did you expect her to stay and to
want more of your
half-assed kisses?
did you really expect her to stay and to
come back every time you didn't give her
the time of day?

if you answered "yes" to any if this,
then you're just the ****** that everyone
but her saw.

For I've seen many cowards in my lifetime,
Including myself.

We all have the potential though,
To be a hero.

When will you let it shine?
*When will I?

I just made myself throw up.
Not because I have an eating disorder,
but because of that thought looming in my brain.
And ****, it's not even the one of killing myself.
It's just of you not being with me in the end.

What I did not know, was
what would come next in our
conversation. We usually do
not talk about deep things, but
I started running out of questions.
I know your favorite color and I
know how you met your first
husband. So, what was there left
to ask of you? Well, certainly I
would of course find a way to
ask you something.

The question I asked was simple:
What is the worst thing that has
ever happened to you?
Now, ladies and gentleman I did not
expect what came out of her mouth next
due to the fact that I asked the question
nonchalantly. But, instead she looked at me and
said, "I was *****." She then gulped and
looked me straight in the eyes and began her
story, one in which that I had to hurry and text my mother for
to tell her I'd be a few minutes late because I knew I'd
end up telling her mine. She told me about how it was in
high school and how scared she was.
About how terrible it was and that
was why she started self harm.

I shivered at the thought:
we are so alike.

Mostly in good ways, but I hate that she has been through
so much that I have. That we share that same pain.
I told her about how sorry I was and about what
happened to me. That one of my other teachers was
that only reason I was even standing here to be able to
tell this story today.

I then wished her goodnight and told her we could
talk again if she would like, because it felt nice to
talk to someone who understood and
did not look at me like I was a
mere child.

This was on the 2nd of December, and I wish I
would have been able to stay longer to say
all the things that I really wanted to say.
Maybe sometime in the future we will
talk things over, because they really do
settle my mind.