Skylar,
What if you were told that I
Killed myself?

Ashley,
What would you do?

Maddie,
Would you miss my fake smile?

Mom,
Would you cry?

Dad,
Would you care?

Macky,
Would you miss me?

Tori,
Are you glad?

Bryce,
Would you miss our
Doctor Who days?

Trace,
Would you miss
Cuddling with me?

Mike,
Would your
Lessons be quieter?

Hellopoetry,
Would you miss my words that
Meant so little?

I feel like people think I am some
*** crazed girl who is only using
Her girlfriend for ***.
But I can assure that I am not.
I love her with everything I have
And so much more.
Making love to her is a gift
That I am proud to share with her
And just because we can
Have nights spent together
On top of each other or
Entwined in each others words,
Does that make us a couple that
Is "going too fast"?
She is the first person in my life that
I am finally convinced that
Loves me fully and completely.
And maybe the making love is
Just an added bonus,
But that doesn't mean that I
Need it to love her anymore than
I already do.

What is Love?
is it the way you
get nervous and
pace with your
hands (not) on
your hips?
the way you
purse your
lips together
when you
get angry?
the way you
can't help but
smile when
someone makes
a ***** joke?
is it the way your
eyes light up when
you talk about her?
Is it the way you
cared for me so
unconditionally?
the way you make
butterflies flit and
flit in my stomach
even when i was
asleep?
even when tears
consumed my
eyes to the point
where i couldn't
even see you in
front of me
anymore?
the deepness of your
voice consumes my
thoughts and i
cant swim out.

Love is the way you
say my name.
Love is that knowing
glance you give me.
Love is when you
wrapped your arms
around me tightly
because you knew i
was fighting my
demons.
Love is when i stifled back
tears when as I told you
I was happy for
you.

my heart is on fire
from the poison you
left over and im
burning a whole
hell of a lot,
dear.

Is it okay that I'm
Laughing
But yet still want to go cry
Like I did earlier in homeroom?
Is it okay that I
Want to hold onto him and
Make his shirt a
Deeper red
With my tears?
Is it okay that I snuck those glances
Hoping that maybe you'd do
The same?

Nobody acts the same with me and
I hate it so much.
Why don't you just pretend I'm
Okay instead of making me feel more
Miserable about myself.
Being mad at me doesn't make me feel any better.
It makes me feel even more useless than
I did with the things that happened with my
Stepbrother.

God, I don't even know where this poem is going any more...

Love is never a dependency.

What I want is simple
and with hardwork &
dedication, I'll have it.
I want Berkeley and
Astronomy and
the Art from the
Universe.

I want the stars in
the sky and the
balck holes.

I also want everything
inbetween,
including
you.

Not sure how I'll
achieve that but
hell, you
gotta start
somewhere,
right?

breathe in, breathe out
you're *so ugly,
no wonder he/she doesn't like you,
why would they anyways?
you're fat,
not pretty,
not smart enough,
not tall enough.
you're just not enough.
you're never enough.
and you never will be either.

breathe in, breathe out
my heart beats faster,
my saliva gets harder to swallow,
i start to choke on my own air,
my lungs tighten up,
my head starts to spin,
tears start rushing down my face,
there are too many people in here,
are they laughing at me?
they probably think i'm pathetic,
actually, you know what?
they are right, i am weak
i can barely even go a week without
relapsing and having some sort of
mental breakdown.
i cant, i cant, i cant.

breathe in, breathe out
help please someone help me
mike ashley amy anybody please
i need someone help me please
i don't know what to do anymore
i'm drowning in my own mind please
just someone help me!

breathe on, breathe out
just look at mike, he makes things better..
right? god, his big, beautiful blue eyes really
do make things so much better.
wow. i never realized his hair was so curly...
must be nice to be his fiancée, i'd do anything to
play with his hair. but, i'm not, of course,
i'm not good enough, too young, not pretty enough,
just..... not enough.

breathe in, breathe out
it's your fault you know.
you let him touch you.
you let him do those terrible things.
you let this happen.
you ******* ****.
great ******* job.

breathe in, breathe out
finally my breathing becomes a bit slower as my friends ask if
i'm okay. then i start to get back on track. i think about my
grades, friends, mike (in a more positive way) and i simply just
*breathe.

"Forget all of them. **** them. They don't know who you are and who you've become and how you feel. You really like him, yeah? Then go for it, because he really likes you too. I can see how much you care for him when he's around and when you talk about him, so that must count for something. Enjoy this feeling and let this happen, because the both of you deserve the best, and I know that y'all are for one another."

My teacher
Taught me
The difference
Between
Asking what you are
And
Asking how you are.
I learned then that I'm
Creative
Funny
Loving
Stupid
Deep
Lovable
But how am I?
I'm not okay
At all.

Everything reminds me of you.
From the toothbrush with an "L" written with sharpie next to mine.
To the drawings that are by you on my wall.
The pictures of us around my room.
The little lion I bought when we went thrift store shopping.
From the diffuser I always tried to keep out for you when you came over.
To the pillow that I always left out of your side of the bed.
And the paintings you've made for me hanging up just under the fake record that you used to ask me to Homecoming this year.
From the many sticks of incense that I haven't burned, but I kept because they made me feel like you were here.
To the records you let me borrow, and now won't take back.
The nail polish you gave me that I wear on my fingers, which everyone says looks amazing on me, but I feel like it's nothing out you.
From the pens you love that I bought for you.
To the silly Sherlock Valentines from this year and last year.
The many pictures on my phone, that are mostly of you.
From the my blanket from my childhood that still smells of you.
To the many calls we've shared, I can't bear to delete that history.
But it would seem that all of our history is slowly deleteing,
Like an old computer whose hard drive is becoming too old and unable to hold all of its files anymore.
Is regaining love as easy as it would seem in the movies?
Hollywood baffles me and makes me believe that I may be able to get you back.
I hope Hollywood is right, because I miss you terribly.
Everything reminds me of you.

I couldn't look at him cause
Of the thoughts running through
My mind of how I
Just want to get on top of him and
Make out with him so fiercely and
To just unbutton his shirt and
Unzip his pants and
Never get my math
Work done because
We're to busy
On his
Desk.

"It was gravity.."they said.
It was gravity's fault that she was dead.
Not her own, but gravity's fault.
After all, she wouldn't have died
if gravity wouldn't have choked her.
It wasn't her fault...
gravity helped, after all.
gravitygravitygravity
It keeps you down,
it keeps us all on the ground and
it kept her from falling
but it was already too late.
A noose caught her around the neck and
gravity let her down,
yet again.

They say I should make new friends.
But it seems like everytime I do that
They get taken away from me.

I might never have happiness,
Will I?

i had to stay
after today so
i could help
another teacher
out, but im
not complaining
because through
this window,
i can see you.
smiling,
laughing,
being the
joyous person
you are.

i can tell you're
happier and
i just love that.

im trying real hard to
make it easy for me
but when you asked me
why im was always so
busy and why i
never come by anymore
i didnt know
what to say.

and yet i wonder why i
cower at the thought of
him not returning
my love,
and yet i am the
one pretending that
i never felt that
way.

touching
it seems as if my
fingers want more-
the gasping of air
the act of clenching tighter and tighter
the need to feel something other than
the pain that rests inside
baby, just let it all pour out

don't think about the others
think of what feels right.
is it the lips on your thighs
the fingers that wriggle through your hair
or the eyes that stare deep into your soul?

what about the sweet kisses
that i want to give you
and the flowers and chocolate
or maybe even the looks across the hall that
make you just so excited (you know in what way...)

i'd do anything for you.
but am i really ready to
know someone in that way?

What will mend a broken heart?
Many gifts in place of the ones you gave?
Or maybe some leftover pieces I can save?
Or maybe a kiss, a brand new start?

What will take the pain away?
Pills, no food, or even a knife?
What about thoughts of the endless strife?
Maybe even words that you could say?

What will make me smile again?
A kiss, a hug, maybe some love today?
Maybe a new heart to break and play?
Or maybe even something as simple as a friend?

What will make this torture diminish?
What is a soul when you're missing half?
Why can't I just chuckle and laugh?
Will this feeling ever be gone or finish?

What will make you see me again?
Can you still feel my pain deep down inside?
I can still see you, because you cannot hide.
Will we ever be able to make amends?

What do you want me to do about this?
Would you rather me wither and die?
Or would you what to see me succeed and fly?
Everything I have done has gone awry and amiss...

I just want to be happy, but it's so hard to do.
Can't you see that I'm trying to go?
But you were the only real love I know.
Probably just because I'm still in love with you.

Staying or leaving?

im in a whirlpool of emotions
and i'm not sure whether i should
fight against this current or
if i should just let myself
go.

you are like a whirlpool--
silly me for falling in,
my ship has sunken down
into the ocean that is
you,
ive never been much for
swimming,
ecspecially when i
actually want to
drown.

She said that he thinks that
I don't like him.
That I don't want to
Date him nor
Be his homecoming date.
I sigh at the thought because
I know it's true.
All I'm doing is hurting
Him and I hate every
Second of it.

I want to be happy
Also but it's so hard cause
I know what I want but
It can never happen.
And as for being gay,
Well, my parents would
Rather me die than
Be who I am.

The big question is:
Who am I?

I'm yearning for your
Lips right now;
To be pushed up against
Mine.
I'm yearning for your
Lips right now;
To be kissing up and down my
Spine.

I am that creepy stare
Across the hall.
The weird laugh
In the crowd.
The shortest one
ever.
The girl who just
Wants to be happy.
The girl who looks happy
But is so empty.
Who wants to travel.
Who wants to go
To college far away.
Who wants to speak
3 languages.
Who wants to be
Famous.
Who loves a good book.
Who cries when
Sherlock dies/not.
Who smiles at the thought
Of others smiling.
Who likes older men cause
She has daddy issues.
Who has an old soul.
Who likes girls way more
Than she should.
Who writes poetry
To get her feelings
Out.
Who takes art seriously and
Tries her best not to
Make art on her wrists.
Who wants the best for
The people she loves.
Who wants to make magic
With Harry potter.
Who just wants to fit in.
Who wants to be
Happy.
Who wants to smile for
Real.
Who wants to live.

I'm sure there is more but it's 7 ******* A.M. And I'm tired as ****.
x

i lie here sobbing inside this book as the pages become soggy and my heart screams that i was always Ed even though i always believed i was Min. i was never the good guy, not until now, no now i am Min, slowly but surely, i am becoming her and i am killing the parts of me that made me into Ed.

It didn't feel wrong.
Touching you felt like
touching God.
I didn't know something could be so
beautiful and delicate yet
so strong and fierce.
The second I realized this,
I should've stopped
but I couldn't.
Your eyes were closed, you fingers were
rubbing my knee
and I could just tell that
you loved every bit of what was happening.
When I found the spot you loved so much
I needed to keep going.
You would've let me,
but it was the wrong place for
something so beautiful to happen.

Who knew that someone could make me
lose all sense of right and wrong?

All I want is to give you what you deserve and so much more.
Is that something you want?

She held me and
I held her.
Sometimes one of us would cry or
sometimes we'd fall asleep.
I'd mostly fall asleep to the
Sweet sound of her rhymic
Breath or
Her short but surely
sweet yawns.
I'm still wondering--
Am I the only friend that
she's let hold her
at night?

It just seems funny because
None of her other friends seem like the
Type who would do that
And I even asked one and they
looked at me like I was
crazy.

So, I guess my question is--
Why did she let me
hold her at night?
And why did she bother
To hold me back?
Is it just a special bond or
was it something more?

I guess I'm still hoping that
She mean't what she said when
she said she
Might feel the same
Way.

After what you did to me this weekend, you'd think I would want to die.
But, I guess it's just going to take a little while to settle in, huh?

I can't wait to leave.
Parts of you will be scattered and left everywhere and
I'll make sure to leave them there.
I won't have to endure the pain every morning and night
and I'll leave those fragments of your heart that you gave me
in the dirt in different parts of the country,
possibly in the world someday.
Maybe then someone will see them and
water them like seeds,
because they failed to grow inside of me,
which is why I need to leave.

I cry over you and
the times I miss.
like the time you wanted me to
belt out Adele or the time you
let me not take a test because
of everything i was going through
or like the time i told you
how cute your socks were and
you put your foot on the desk and
showed me the hole you have
in it.
i miss when youd keep me
after class to ask me how i was
doing or how our fingertips would
brush and youd look me in the
eyes like you knew you felt
it too.
i miss how you made me feel
and how you knew i was afraid of
falling--not just physically but
figuratively too.
i miss when you put your hand on my
back when you brought me to the couselor
or when you wiped my tears away or
when you called me beautiful or
when you said how proud
you were of me.
i miss how youd tell me how
my future was bright or how
youd smile at anything id say or
look me straight in my eyes and
your eyes would
sparkle.
god, i just miss you so much.
why are you acting this way?

The boy at the library
Caught my attention.
His big blue eyes and
scruffy ***** blonde hair and
slightly unshaven face has
reminded me that maybe I
don't just like girls and
that even boys can be
Beautiful.

You look like
A winter day
To me.

I love winter days.

All I think this
Needs
Is a sprinkle of
You.

wormholes.
they are so tiny--
a trillionth of a
millimeter.
maybe even less.
you cant see them,
you cant touch them.
but with them,
time slows
and everything
becomes new.
i dont mean like
a shiny new toy "new".
i mean like for a trillionth of
a second, things in our
universe change.
they change not by much,
but by how they are supposed
to originally be.
like port keys,
they take you to a new place
in space and time.
they open up a
whole new universe.
wormholes.
arent they beautiful?

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
This is something that I've been wanting
I just want to make sure that your love for me
Has not ceased.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
You make me weak and make my heart flutter
What have I done to make myself that your heart
May freeze?

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
keep telling me that you love me
For if I keep shaking ill
Break my knees.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
When you don't show me affection you
Make me feel like I may
have fleas.

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
Don't you know that I can feel you everywhere
From the sun on my skin to my hair
In the breeze?

Oh, my darling, won't you write me a love poem please?
Just please please please
Write me a love poem.

have a bad case of
writers block but
when he walked
past me in the
hallways i
couldnt help
but smile
at his
loving
eyes.

please:
youve hurt my heart
and even though you
didn't mean to make me
feel this way,
you did.

i know you had
no intention of
hurting me but
its my fault really:
i let my feelings
drive me.

my feelings drove me to
want the world again.
they drove so far as to
actually make me do well again,
and to care about things.
they drove me so far as to
think i actually had a
chance.

well, ****,
i was so
wrong.

i shouldn't be alive to taste such sweetness
but there i was with you on my bed
finally feeling at home
again.

I forgot what it was like to make you laugh until today when you reminded me that something so heavenly really does exist here on Earth.

rows of strawberries are bleeding like my heart
nothing seems very real since we're apart

You always were afraid of being replaced.
Guess your fears came true.

And the thought of you brings me to my knees.
Doesn't matter, I've done it all before.
This is what I live for,
Isn't it?