I still crave for the
Crimson liquid to flow
Out of me.
But thinking of your
Tousled curly locks and
your sea green eyes
with that hint of
grey around the irises
Makes me come back to
reality and I know that
Its best if I don't
use the blade tonight.

I just want to stop thinking about you for at least a few moments.

they said that
it'll be okay
but everytime i
look into your eyes
i drown in the
ocean i dare to
swim in.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I might lose the chance before I even have a chance to try...what are the odds of something like that happening?

Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm

Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I thank you, ooo
Don't ever leave me alone

When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and died

Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me darling

When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and died

Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Oh, believe me darling
Believe me when I tell you, ooo
I'll never do you no harm

Oh Dear God,what do I do?
My heart won't stop pumping
And it's all because of you.

Oh Dear God, what do I say?
Why am I suffering?
Will I ever be okay?

Oh Dear God, if you're up there.
I can't feel the warmth you send down,
I can't feel your stare.

Oh Dear God, I'm trying to do what you say.
But my life is difficult and
I'm trying to pray.

Oh Dear God, help me please!
My heart has been open for
You to come and cease!

Oh Dear God, please **** me now.
For I am miserable here and
I will allow.

it makes me sick,
love.

the nature of it,
how people die
because of the
thought of not
being with their
significant other.

i think if i died
all alone,
i'd be okay with it.
after all,
i'm already alone.
always have,
always will.

and i don't mind it
either.

i don't need someone to
keep me warm anymore
or to help me.
i can help my ******* self
and that's all that matters.
i am my own savior,
i am my own redeemer,
i am my own person.
i am me.
and me is all i ever shall and
will be, so,

                   please

decide on whether you are
staying or leaving
because im tired
of being the
last to find
out.

I was sitting at a wedding
Tonight.
Watching everyone laugh
Smile
And take pictures of the night.
I looked around,
Even got up,
Walked to the door
And sighed.
I wanted to walk outside and
Get hit by the Black Sonata
Heading my way.

Just as I was heading out the door
The Pastor grabbed my shoulder
And asked me if I was okay.
I told him I wasn't sure.
He told me to sit down,
Pray,
And see why God was up for saving me.

Instead I just went to the bathroom and
Tried not to throw up everything I ate.

so, stepmother,
you're saying that
because of my
history
of lying and
doing things
that i regret now,
makes what happened to
me,
a liar?

that's sick, and i'm
surprised even you could
even think of that
as an option.

Yesterday we talked for
The first time since I've
Been back and all I
Can think about is
How close we were and
How your smile lit
Up the whole room and
How your deep blue eyes
Gave off flecks of green and
Grey and how the scent of
The cologne you wear is
Still on me now.

How am I ever supposed to
Get over you when you
Do silly things like
This?

Hey, it's okay.
Want to know why?
My feelings for you are gone.
I'll remember the times we
Had
And I ll never forget them.
I'm just saying that it'll still
Be the same,
Just with less passion and
Love.

You wrote about
Her

How you wanted her.

Why can't she be mine? you ask.

Well,
Truth be told.
If you were talking about me
I'd grab you by the waist
Stop you mid sentence
And kiss you.




First: I'd kiss your
Lips
(Not the ones down below, that's for later my dear)
Second: I'd let my hands gradually fall down to your hips
And BAM!
I'd squeeze.
Third: I'd kiss your
Neck
And nuzzle my face
Inbetween the crook.
Fourth: I'd whisper i love you over and over again
Until we reach the bedroom.
Fifth: That's when the real
Love making begins.

We'd be slow, passionate at
First.
Then we'd gradually start to try new,
******,
Intense,
Things.
We'd
Touch,
Pound,
Stare,
Our mouths would
Moan,
Water,
Kiss,
Sigh,
In satifaction.
Oh the things we could do.

But, you don't want that.
It's understandable.
I'm fine with it, really.

I'll just have to get over it, you
And find someone to experience this
With.

You and I
breathed each other in
and now we burn on
each other tongues
like the cigarettes that
sit between your
beautiful lips.

Stay calm.
Everything's gonna be alright.
I think.
Maybe.
Sometimes.
****
Will I be okay?

Where did the old me go?
When did she decide that she had enough?
Why couldn't she have left sooner?
*Where did she go and will she ever come back?

how easy it is
to fall into old habits
and to let go of the
new ones you had
fought so hard
for.

and I throw up because the pain is too much to bare, please spare me, please spare me.

reading johnlock
**** and fluff
in theology class.

oh, how you
should be
worried
about
me?

"you can't just say bye and knock on the door again, that's not how it works."

there's nothing left but tears from the sky and
blood dripping down my hands

I'm not even sure
why I cut this time.
i guess I just did it to feel
to feel what?
I am happy, aren't i?
I should be.
hell I should be ecstatic.
I have a loving girlfriend,
my friends are great,
my parents trust me again,
and I have God by my side.
so what is it that I ever so
desperately need to feel?

Can I tell you a secret?
I am not unhappy.
I am not sad.
I am not angry.
I am anything but depressed.
I think that is what I miss.

The sadness is what I crave.
The constant happiness isn't
fulfilling my desires anymore.
Is there something wrong with me?
Some kind of unknown disorder that
causes you to crave the very thing
that made you hate yourself for so long?

This happiness is driving me mad.
It is like I will not let myself
be happy all day.
Why can't I just stay happy?
It's a wonderful feeling.
It makes everything seems brighter
and more beautiful!

So, why can't I just accept that
I am happy and get over
what needs to be
out of my life?

You are like freshly drawn curtains by my window
with the sun creeping in at 6 in the morning and your sleepy mumbles
in my ear.
You look over at me with your tired eyes and your sweet smile.
You say goodmorning, stretch, and then rub Daisy's head and say "hello baby, I love you so much".
You wake me up in the middle of the night, and it's okay, because it's nice knowing that you're there and that you're not so far away.
Your breathing is magnificent...you breathe like you can't get enough air when your fall asleep, like you need more and more.
At first, your breathing slows right when you're falling asleep...
And then it speeds up and gets very heavy...very deep.
You are incredible. I am constantly amazed by your words and your actions.
You surprise me every night, and I know that I can trust you with everything.
I have told you almost everything already...
You offer up yourself and I kindly open up my hands and my heart to
recieve what you wish to give to me.
I want to be as kind as possible with you, because I know it's what you deserve, and I know it is who am I now.
I promise that I will constantly be truthful and loyal, because this friendship is worth everything I can and will give.

I dream of a lot of things lately.
Sometimes good dreams like:
Me being 6 foot tall and
Being the top supermodel,
Being best friends with
Cara Delevingne and
Always partying.

But, then my nightmares surface:
Me looking down at the toilet and
Not caring about anything in the
World except being so, so
Skinny.

I keep thinking that maybe my
Nightmares are actually trying to
Help me by giving me some
"Friendly" advice.
Maybe throwing up
Might be an
Option for
Me.

-R.A.

she
such a simple word, but I love it.
she breathes
and she does every single day.
she breathes on
on what? depends.
she breathes on my
my, my, my, what do we have here..oh..
she breathes on my skin
and I wish to never feel anything other than this feeling in this exact moment in time because in all honestly, *nothing has ever felt this pure.
she breathes on my skin and
and? and?! what more can be done?
she breathes on my skin and calms
calms... me.
she breathes on my skin and calms my
my heart. my mind. my ever breaking spirit and soul.
she breathes on my skin and calms my mind
and she does. all I ever hear is my mind, but during these moments, our souls connect and I feel at peace.
I love her, I truly do.

There were numbers in our equation and
The numbers were always slightly off but
Surely I had been right,
And put the 1 after the =
And then put 1 + 1 before it, right?
It was 1 + 1 = 1
But you changed it.
Your body changed,
You mind changed,
Your heart changed
And put a 2 behind the =
Which made us into
1 + 1 = 2.
We were one, rhymic, pulchritudinous,
Believed to be the one who lasted forever
Even despite our inability to always add up.
But at the end of everyday,
My equations stayed the same
1 + 1 = 1.
But to you, mine was never right.

I'm still wearing our
Ring.
Not really, because I don't have it but
In my head I do.
I constantly play with my finger,
Thinking of you as it
Hypothetically
Twists and turns and
Doesn't leave my finger green after awhile
Because I paid extra to make sure
It was real silver
So that on
your finger it
wouldn't do the same.

I wish I wouldn't have paid it though
Cause now when you take it off
You won't think of me because
That little green mark where your
Ring is supposed to be
Won't be there to remind you that
I love you.

Are you okay?*
he asked, worried about poor, poor Rach.
I smiled, nodded, and tried to get back to work.
But, no, I wasn't okay.
I was having yet another attack,
the kind that
makes your breathing heavy and
your palms sweating.
the kind that
makes you so afraid to move
because of the thoughts you think that
should be imaginable,
eh?

Well,
take a wild ride into my mind
and you'll understand that it happens
to me almost everyday.

You're nothing more than a paper girl in this paper world and I had thought that maybe your mask was one you could wash off, but it turns out you were too simple-minded to use the right kind of paint.

I parked outside her house, watching the leaves as they fell from the trees, and I realized that maybe nothing will always be green. Everything changes from the wind to my weight, and I know this is something that I'll always hate.

you died in my arms today.
i didn't know true emptiness till
now.

I've never been much of a photographer
but it seems that every photo I take of her
from any angle or lighting or background
seems to level with her beauty.

if the sun shines behind her
it brightens up her
already porcelain skin
and creates this unbelievable
contrast of lights
and even darks.

I may not be a photographer
but you are my inspiration to
write, read, smile, make memories,
and even to live.

you are a piece of art,
and your beauty deserves
to shine.

you are my sweet pea
ha, get it?
i think you do,
because you always seem to
get everything.

i'm in human error with you, do you chemical defect me?

I told you
My plans,
for our
Summer picnic was
complete!

You laughed
Smiled even,
Through the phone
Your slight
Giggle
Raging through my ears.

You told me how
Great,
How wonderful
It would be.
I told you about the
Blankets,
Food,
And the
Fun.

But what I didn't say was
That I planned on kissing you
And telling you what you meant to
Me.

As You lay on me
I sigh
Cause
Even though playing with your hair
Is fun,
It's not enough.
I mean,
I desire to be with you
I mean,
be with you.
Not just talk to you and
Make silly jokes
But
To kiss your lips while you're laughing
And
To hold your hand while reading my favorite book.
To hear you sing even when you think you sound funny
And to tell you that you look beautiful over and over
Again.

If it's true,
I'm not sure that I
can look at you the
same.

For someone who says
they do not judge,
you sure as hell
can judge your
best friend.

I really hope it's not true.

He saw the back of
my phone case today
and he smirked widely.
The Polaroid of us sits perfectly
inside of my life proof case and
it must be important to me if
I can want to hold it everyday in
my palms...

If I cannot hold you in my hands
then I shall hold your photo instead.
Maybe then you will feel present
all through the day and night.

He denied the fact that
He touched me.
How can you just
Pretend
That it never happened?

I have the images
burned
Into not just my mind,
But my soul too.

You can't just forget something like
That.

i'm alone right now,
blogging and writing about
my daily life.
right now,
i feel like Cinderella.
i'm cleaning the
floors and i'm
crying over the fact i
can't be with my
prince.

but, in reality
he isn't a prince.
he's a teacher.
and in reality,
i don't really want to
be with him anyways,
right?

would it be correct to say that
i actually would like a
princess instead?

I have a problem.
It's you.