I've realized that maybe you fell out of love with me because I wasn't in love with myself anymore. I doubted the love you had for me, so it made me doubt the love for myself. It wasn't just you, it was me too.

I've been trying to remember Him in all things, and surely He has helped me. Finding solace seems easier, and knowing His unending love seems plausible now. Do not forget Him, please don't. He died for me and you, isn't that enough?

Staying or leaving?

how many seas will i have to sail till i feel at home again?

"Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph."

You take me in uncharted waters,
and I know things will be okay.

Loving can change your soul.

i want you,
oh dear,
i need you.
but,
there's something
i must do and
it doesn't include



you.

God is in need of my soul
I need to be found

**** i am so weak
why am i letting my thoughts get to me?
i don't want to, but i want to and
i can't seem to decide if i just
miss the feeling of a blade on my skin or
i just miss feeling.

I don't think real love could be phased that easily; it wouldn't be able to get taken off of the pedestal without a fight.

I know the difference between love and lust, trust me, i do.
But we have to stop talking about love like its the only feeling
you're allowed to have.
Maybe I want a little fun, a little adventure, a little... Lust.
Maybe I want neither, and I just want to explore who I am attracted to.
Maybe I do want love, but just not from you anymore.
Whatever it may be, we need to stop pretending like love is the only feeling you're allowed to have.
I think then we will begin to be truthful to ourselves and our feelings.

I'm such a **** up.

We all start from the bottom.
But now I'm slowly relearning how to climb back to the top.

But I'd die if I tried.

I see fire burning where I know I can put her out with one touch.

We bounce around the subject of us.
Whether it's because we just started being romantic with one another or
because we're trying to feel things out,
we're just "iffy" on this subject.
We want more, but asking is scary, and you're not one to be forward.
You brought it up though, sort of stuttering when you asked, "Is there an us?"
I smiled at the thought, because I've never been much into boys. At least, I've never been completely attracted to them. But I am completely to attracted to you, and you make me so happy.
Why wouldn't I want there to be an "us"?
"I would think so."
"We already act like we are together, and one of my friends is practically begging me to ask you out already."
"I don't want you to ask me to be your girlfriend because one of your friends keeps bugging you. I want you to ask me because you really like me and because I make you happy too."
"I do really like you and God Rachel, you make me extremely happy."
"I know, and I feel the same way."
"Just know that I will, okay?"
"Will...what...?"
"And I'm the oblivious one?"
"Oh shut up."
"Make me."
"No, cmon, tell me what you meant by 'just know that I will'."
"Just know that I will ask you to be my girlfriend."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay. Just know that this isn't a rush or a race. I'm enjoying getting to know you and being what we are now. Yes, I'd love to date you, and I'm looking forward to that. But, I don't want you to feel rushed. I want you to feel ready, just like how I want to feel ready too."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Okay."
"I like you, Rachel."
"I like you too, Brock."

hot tears roll down my cheeks
as I try to scrub away the cells
that have known your toxic touch
and the cells that have felt your soft kiss
because I can't take it anymore
I simply cannot take this feeling
I've been touched by too many and
I just can't take it anymore.
I do not ever want to be touched again,
not by him nor her nor anyone else on this
godforsaken planet...
not even myself.

You let me drown

I'm surprised I haven't thrown up what's left of my heart yet

i guess that's yet another difference between he and i to add to the list

And somehow through all of this chaos, I still think you're worth it.
Every single **** second of it.

you tried to understand me on your couch that night, but the parts of me worth understanding were already too far gone, and because i wasn't interesting enough to you anymore, you left. that's what everyone does, after all. they just leave because i'm not who they thought i was, and I'm sorry for that, i'm just trying to be who i need to be for myself right now. i'm sorry i'm not enough for everyone else anymore.

You are like freshly drawn curtains by my window
with the sun creeping in at 6 in the morning and your sleepy mumbles
in my ear.
You look over at me with your tired eyes and your sweet smile.
You say goodmorning, stretch, and then rub Daisy's head and say "hello baby, I love you so much".
You wake me up in the middle of the night, and it's okay, because it's nice knowing that you're there and that you're not so far away.
Your breathing is magnificent...you breathe like you can't get enough air when your fall asleep, like you need more and more.
At first, your breathing slows right when you're falling asleep...
And then it speeds up and gets very heavy...very deep.
You are incredible. I am constantly amazed by your words and your actions.
You surprise me every night, and I know that I can trust you with everything.
I have told you almost everything already...
You offer up yourself and I kindly open up my hands and my heart to
recieve what you wish to give to me.
I want to be as kind as possible with you, because I know it's what you deserve, and I know it is who am I now.
I promise that I will constantly be truthful and loyal, because this friendship is worth everything I can and will give.

I'm       But
Fall-     They
Ing       Don't
For       Know
Your    Me
Eyes     Yet.

He lurks in the back of my mind
And he makes me miss him so much more.

and I wonder if you feel it too.

Love is never a dependency.

i can't see myself without you.

and I hate the way I tend to overstep boundaries, it's yet another thing I have to learn

he's the boy who wants to show me the oceans

baby, i know what i am and the life i live:
i sin and i sin and i sin and i sin.
don't act like we all don't know.
but there is a difference between
the sinner who works to change
and the sinner who just keeps
on sinning.

i want to disappear into the sun and plant myself in the soil that surrounds me
i wish to grow like a flower and to hum like the bees that pollinate the world around me
i know i will be more than just a girl with flowers in her hair
i am a part of nature, i am God's creation

he said i melted in his arms
and i said "no, not a chance"
so he grinned and said
"oh? you don't believe me?"
and he did it
again.

"THERE'S A RAGING FIRE AND IT BURNS SO NEAR, BUT IM READY NOW. IM READY NOW."

"He gives me the shakes, you know, and I want to see the world with him... I've never wanted that before."*
Oh boy, do I understand.
He makes me quiver with just his smile, and I've only just started becoming hopeful for my future again. No, not because of him. But, maybe the thought of him in my future makes things just slightly bearable. I have such a bright one, after all. Why shouldn't I be hopefully for the road ahead of me?

You look like
A winter day
To me.

I love winter days.

and nothing is stopping me now, baby.
i know i'll have you soon enough and
i promise that this will start off right.

last night I dreamt that
I had just enough confidence
to ask you on a date
I said "it can just be platonic"
because I just want to know you,
that's all I want to do
(I think so, at least).
You said, "yes,
Of course Rebecca!" with your goofy smile
and we rode off in your Jeep.

But now I'm back to reality and
I had asked you earlier what kind of
music you liked and you simply shrugged.
You let me go through your ITunes and
I saw that you really listened to everything.
You had every genre known to man in your phone
and that only made me like you more.
I accidentally touched your knee
and you "accidentally" got too close to me.
She said we were both flirting,
But we both denied it.
And you became all bashful
and I wanted to take your glasses off
so I could get that cute little stray eyelash on your upper cheek.
I said, "Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?"
and you quietly whispered, "me".
She and I looked at you in confusion
and you simply said, "Oh, I was talking about something I saw on my phone..."
And she said, "Sure... Stop flirting. It's weird."
And I sunk down into my chair
because I haven't even thought of him like that.
But in my dream,
It ended with a kiss, a touch.
It's almost as if his hands have already explored me.
I hope its not just a sad dream.

please don't tell me i ruined this too

You left me because it's what you said that I needed to grow,
but what I needed most in that moment was you and your love
that you stopped giving me so slowly and then all at once.
I was living off of you like you were a drug,
and I think that's why you needed to leave.
The thought of us suffocated you,
and the thought of you being without me choked me.
You pushed me headfirst into the ocean that is you and
the further you pushed me, the more I drowned.
Because we are (were?) connected,
you started drowning too.
You started coughing up water and gasping for air.
That's the worst kind of love, I think.
Believing you're the best for them, while in reality
you're the worst thing that they could ever be faced with.
You stopped helping me grow in January.
I knew it, but I couldn't face it.
I had hope for February,
after all, we had just made a year...
But even the best of times cannot overshadow
the love that had been lost during that cold, harsh month.
And March, well to hell with that month.
Everything awful usually happens in that month,
and I knew it was coming.
I was a fool in love to believe you still loved me all the same
like you did just a few months before.
I was a ******* fool to believe that you tried.
Maybe soon I'll be able to breathe,
but as for now,
I need to get out of here and to be surrounded by
stimulating minds and intelligent conversations.
I just need to get away.

and if the waves can be calm during a storm, so can i

it's weird...being grateful, even for those who have hurt you.
being grateful for those who you love now is beautiful.
being grateful in general because you are alive.
it's weird to me.
but it's the most powerful emotion we have.
and I am absolutely full of gratitude today.
thank you God for
everything.