I just want to stop thinking about you for at least a few moments.

i hate all these highs and lows,
why can't i just be
high on
you?

i don't think it's a coincidence anymore.
the universe is rarely so lazy.

I'll give you a
piece of my
mind
after you spare me
a token of your
heart.
I'll let you know
what I want to
find
and I'll even give
you a good place to
start.

I parked outside her house, watching the leaves as they fell from the trees, and I realized that maybe nothing will always be green. Everything changes from the wind to my weight, and I know this is something that I'll always hate.

i heard you died last night.
it was an overdose they said.
maybe crack?
maybe ******?
who knows...
you used so much.
you'll never know him.
she was upset,
but then she was slightly happy.
but now she's just worried.
he'll never know you.
he might blame them for
never meeting you.
maybe he won't even care.
but you ****** it all up.
too ******* self-absorbed in yourself
and your need for speed.
so honestly,
here are my condolences.
but all in all,
i'm glad that you never had
the chance to be a father.
you didn't deserve it
anyways.

you deserve so much more.

The inside of my soul is black.
My brain never stops.
I'm being told death is
A new beginning.
And I'm starting to believe
It.

a bag full of clothes
and my favorite book:
I didnt know what it meant
I just knew that you were gone,
that you wanted nothing to do with me.
I figured I'd leave you alone,
give you some time to yourself.
You seemed better off without me anyways.
But I didn't know what that bag of clothes
and my favorite book
would do to me.

As soon as I got home,
I opened up the bag
and the first thing I noticed was your scent.
God...I missed my best friends scent.
It's weird, you never really miss something like that
until it's gone.
And I never really thought I'd have to miss that.
I tore through the bag as tears flowed down my cheeks
and my heart broke more and more as I realized
just how many skirts, shirts, and dresses I had shared with you.
God, I miss you.
I miss being able to share my clothes with you
and I miss hearing your laugh.
I miss that time we spent all night talking on the phone
or in your room.
I miss that time you tried to teach me how to twerk,
And I failed miserably.
I miss telling you that your dreams of New York would become reality.
And I miss you, just in general.

I know you've cried because of the pain I've put you through,
And dear god am I sorry for the way I hurt you.
You, more than anyone in this ****** world,
Deserves happiness and love.
I'm sorry for what I did,
For hurting you in the worst way possible,
And I am so sorry for being the complete opposite
Of your best friend.
I love you, and I do not deserve your forgiveness,
but I just need you to know this.
I just need you to know how sorry I am
and how much I love you.

My nightmares were
About you.

It's all going to end anyways, so why not end it all now?

she said I'm this way due to a bloodline curse.
that it's already been broken, but
because i've apparently "decided" to live this way
I will continue to suffer for my
"lifestyle".

i'll have to move on one day, and i guess its time to start the process, isn't it?

your tongue spoke in ways that your words never could

This stupid letter remains in my pocket everyday, as if I'm going to give it to you.

What if I died
Tonight?

I **** you not,
I'm falling for your eyes.

And she's a wild thing:
Smoking and drinking and
Doing every guy on the block.
But she's also a human:
She loves and needs and breathes
And she cries when her
Heart is being broken
a p    a   r           t

And she knows me:
A girl who cries and dies,
A girl who loves and needs,
A girl who wants more but
believes she deserves less.

She knows I'm better than that,
Just like I know she's worth so much more than
Those gross guys on the corner of the street and
The tears she cries because of them.

Maybe one day we'll both learn that
heartbreak is just an instrument that
never goes out of tune
and that our hearts will never truly
heal unless we stop giving it to so many others
and start giving it to ourselves.
After all, if we keep our hearts
they can't ever really be broken,
right?

While at church
they asked us a very simple question,
"What label(s) have you given yourself?"
I thought for a second and I shuddered at the thought.
So many different horrible labels laid themselves on my heart
and a few of them stuck out:
Burden,
Unlovable,
Disappointment,
Selfish,
Undeserving.
M­any more came to mind, but these just kept coming back.
I am a burden, because I constantly feel like I annoy everyone and that I am just getting in the way. I'm just worthless, there is no point in burdening people with my existence.
I am unlovable, because how could anyone love me with the things I've done? How could anyone ever love me? Even she couldn't ever love me fully after what I did.
I am a dissapointment, because I am not who my family thinks I am. I know the second I come out, they will shun me. There is no doubt about that. And I've just been slacking with everything. While I may be the "most intelligent" on my family, I am most definitely not the most stable. My highs and lows are starting to get the best of me, and I am so afraid to cry for help. I'll never be as good as them, so I am not only a disappointment to my family, but to myself as well.
I am selfish. Holy hell, I am so selfish. You always told me that I was unselfish, but on the day you found out, it was all I heard. You yelled at me quietly as you sobbed, and I looked at you with tears coming down my face as you asked how I could be so selfish and how I could hurt you like that. I'm sorry. Im sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll never get that image of you out of my mind, it's on a constant replay.
And I am undeserving, because how could I ever deserve something so beautiful ever again? I don't deserve anything but the worst life could give me. Those few weeks after, anytime I cried I had people come and hold me and say, "how could you ever deserve this kind of pain? You don't, you're the sweetest and kindest person I know." But that's the thing, i did deserve it. After what I did to you, I deserved all of the pain in the world. I still do, don't I?

I can't see,
Darkness is the brim of my
Soul.

If I don't leave now, then I'll never get away.

I have always wished for a
Happily ever after.
I never really got one
Because I don't
Exactly deserve
One.

I'm having such a hard time with how I feel about him.
I just want to know him more, but I don't want to mess it up this time.
I want him to know how incredible I think he is...but the words seemed to escape me every time I was given the chance.
I'm hoping that this week, maybe I'll be lucky enough to be given just one more chance to tell him.

for awhile I tried to believe that love could withstand anything, because it's what I've been conditioned to believe. but love isn't like the fairytales, no, not at all. it's full of tears and heartache and it sometimes makes you so incredibly blind and naive. but love always prevails right? no, wrong. love, while it may be something that can transcend past all of space and time and through all of the dimensions, it can be cruel, and once you're in its grasp, it takes you as prisoner and it decides whether or not your time spent in it will be beautiful or destructive, and it also decides what your end will look like--will you come out alive or will you shatter, with pieces of yourself scattered around?

I've never wanted to understand someone so much.

It's funny,
How much I care about you.
I'm actually, for some reason,
Crying as I write this.

Your eyes...
They're so blue.
You have this one picture
Your eyes look so glossy,
Perfect.

Your lips are pouty
And slightly pink.


What would I do to
Kiss your lips?
Many, many things my dear.

For you, I think I'd give up every life I've got
To live.

You're worth all my lifetimes and more.

I'm not enough.
I'm not her,
To be honest,
I'm *nobody Important.

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories
Of what they think You're like
But I've heard the tender whisper
Of love in the dead of night
And You tell me that You're pleased
And that I'm never alone

You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

Burn burn burn
I've never tasted fire until I tasted thee

and through waves, others in the universe will hear us.

How many times have I thrown up the words "Please stay", only to have them shoved right back down my throat?

"well...here's the reason you have your headaches!"
you said my C1 is outta place...way outta place.
one of my ribs is kind of outta place, too.
and a few more of my vertebrae as well.
"did you take a lot of painkillers to rid yourself of the pain?
your stomach lining is practically gone!"
yes...much more than i should have.
that's why i'm on the medicine to help rebuild it, you know.
"describe your pain on a scale of one to ten, please."
it's a nine...
"a nine? in your condition, i'd expect a 10, if not more.
you need to start treatments right away if you want
this to go away."
honestly? i've felt much worse.

I'm sure most of you have noticed that my name is Ray on here now, and I would really appreciate it if those who know me in real life to start using Ray as often as possible. It would make me quite happy :) thank you!

They know....
they know
I'm done.
Finished.
My family is ruined with the image of their
Little girl being touched.
Why'd you tell?
Why?

I miss him so
much that I
actually prayed
about him
(I never pray
so this is
weird.)

last weekend I was getting better
and then I got worse
and this weekend?
well,
what's the point of going
up
when you can so easily keep
going
down.

i'd give my heart to you if i could, but you deserve a heart that's warm to the touch and still beating on the inside.

*(these walls are frozen and i can't allow you to be turned cold like i am)

You kiss my lips like how you kiss my heart.

Autumn
Was the time I fell.

Winter
Was the time I knew.

Spring
Was when I tried to understand.

Summer
If I meant anything to you.