"I literally want to curl up in bed right now and see your face next to mine and stay in my room for ages if it means I get to wake up next to you."

i just couldn't think of a forever where i was put down all of the time

I'm sure most of you have noticed that my name is Ray on here now, and I would really appreciate it if those who know me in real life to start using Ray as often as possible. It would make me quite happy :) thank you!

They know....
they know
I'm done.
Finished.
My family is ruined with the image of their
Little girl being touched.
Why'd you tell?
Why?

I was hoping for a 'hello'
But instead I got a
Goodbye.

I want to throw away my mattress, because there are far too many memories imbedded within the springs for me to be able to have a full night's sleep anymore.

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories
Of what they think You're like
But I've heard the tender whisper
Of love in the dead of night
And You tell me that You're pleased
And that I'm never alone

You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

I didn't think that you'd reply,
but you did.
A simple "thank you" would've sufficed,
but you also told me more,
which made me smile.
I tried not to act like it made me happy,
but it did.
All I've wanted was to say hello,
but I was too hurt to do so.
But I put that aside to send you a "good luck" text
just in hopes that you'll know that
I'm still rooting for you.

I miss him so
much that I
actually prayed
about him
(I never pray
so this is
weird.)

“Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.”

I'm trying to forget about you but
It's so hard when everything reminds me of
You.

Autumn
Was the time I fell.

Winter
Was the time I knew.

Spring
Was when I tried to understand.

Summer
If I meant anything to you.

how far away I have become from myself, but I sure love this vacation

It's all going to end anyways, so why not end it all now?

i'll never be enough
i'll never be the first choice
and i'll never be one again
was i ever actually one?

i'm not sure
i just know that
blades seem to know
exactly what to
say.

Not going to admit it but
I'm falling for you all over
again.

i lie here sobbing inside this book as the pages become soggy and my heart screams that i was always Ed even though i always believed i was Min. i was never the good guy, not until now, no now i am Min, slowly but surely, i am becoming her and i am killing the parts of me that made me into Ed.

i've tried far too many times to **** myself without success.
there must be a reason i'm still here, right?
or maybe no reason at all besides the fact that i'm just
incredibly terrible at killing myself.

he likes that we can sit in a comfortable silence together
and he likes that i can talk his ear off about the universe
he likes that i call him cute and that i think he's cute
he likes my hair, whether its short or long
and he likes my lips, he says they're beautiful
oh, and he likes that i read a lot, he says it shows how intelligent i am
and well...he says he likes me
and i like that....
i like him.

i heard you died last night.
it was an overdose they said.
maybe crack?
maybe ******?
who knows...
you used so much.
you'll never know him.
she was upset,
but then she was slightly happy.
but now she's just worried.
he'll never know you.
he might blame them for
never meeting you.
maybe he won't even care.
but you ****** it all up.
too ******* self-absorbed in yourself
and your need for speed.
so honestly,
here are my condolences.
but all in all,
i'm glad that you never had
the chance to be a father.
you didn't deserve it
anyways.

i'd give my heart to you if i could, but you deserve a heart that's warm to the touch and still beating on the inside.

*(these walls are frozen and i can't allow you to be turned cold like i am)

i don't think it's a coincidence anymore.
the universe is rarely so lazy.

the new year has already begun for me.
*what have you done to start helping yourself?

I want this more than anything now; I need this more than anything now.

"Angel...oh oh oh oh... Knew you were special from the moment I saw you...I saw you, yeah."
"Me? Special? You're the angel, not me."
"I said Angel, oh oh oh oh, I feel you're closer every time I call you...I call you."
"Everytime?"
"Cause all I see are wings, I can see your wings,"
"You can?"
"But I know what I am and the life I live, yeah, the life I live."
"You're not that girl anymore, I know you."
"And even though I sin, baby we are born to live."
"Baby?"
"But I know time will tell if we're meant for this, yeah if we're meant for this."*
"We are, trust me."

This stupid letter remains in my pocket everyday, as if I'm going to give it to you.

i hate all these highs and lows,
why can't i just be
high on
you?

"well...here's the reason you have your headaches!"
you said my C1 is outta place...way outta place.
one of my ribs is kind of outta place, too.
and a few more of my vertebrae as well.
"did you take a lot of painkillers to rid yourself of the pain?
your stomach lining is practically gone!"
yes...much more than i should have.
that's why i'm on the medicine to help rebuild it, you know.
"describe your pain on a scale of one to ten, please."
it's a nine...
"a nine? in your condition, i'd expect a 10, if not more.
you need to start treatments right away if you want
this to go away."
honestly? i've felt much worse.

The Angels cry at the lost of their beloved.
For a dying heart does not mean
That they will enter Heaven soon.
It just means that there is now less
Life in the world.

my heart and head keep screaming at me.
no amount of medicine will help me sleep nor
drown out this noise called
heartbreak.

you said some days it'd hurt more than others and I guess that makes sense because looking into your eyes burned a hole in whatever is left of my heart.

my life is a tragedy.
it is something unavoidable...
something i just simply cannot
escape.

If I could be around you for most of my day, I would be.
Because then I'd feel the calmness that washes over me when you're around and my cheeks would hurt in the best of ways -- from smiling too much.

and just stop wondering if we were meant to be, forget about fate and just hold me.

please take care of yourself. please

Brotherly hands touched
me last April and
now with this year
my beautiful other
takes his place---
except the difference is that
*I want her to.

I'm very much in love with my myself.

how easy it is
to fall into old habits
and to let go of the
new ones you had
fought so hard
for.

They don't count,
Do they?

and he knows exactly the way to make me smile, *its not that hard.

sticking my head in an oven sounds like heaven, but i can't go, i can't do it. I promised i'd stay to so many, i can't break it...

"are you okay? is everything alright, luv? you look so sad, what happened?"
i told you everything as i cried and you sat and let me sob my way through the story. you listened intently and did not interrupt as i poured my shattered heart onto the table once again. once i finally took a break to let myself breathe, i looked up at you and realized you were smiling.
"what?" i said, completely baffled at how you could smile while I'm a completely wreck.
"you're just so strong, can't you realize that? i know you're hurting right now and you probably do not feel strong whatsoever, but darling, you are one of the strongest people i know."*
you gave me some tips on how to feel better (and thank GOD you didn't tell me you were right about this boy, because as per usual, you were) and you sent me links to simulation games online so we could talk and calm me down.

I'm just so grateful for him, i really truly am.