i can't keep giving someone the best of me just to keep watching them choose someone else.

In public, you're afraid
and sometimes I am too.
But, having you by my side
makes me feel fearless,
what about you?
You might sneak a kiss,
but I'll try to hold your hand.
You'll pull back, was that
a terrible demand?
I hate hiding, its all I ever do.
I just want to show the world
just how much I love you.
Isn't that enough,
why can't they see?
That I am in love
why can't we just be?
She makes me feel the Sun
and light in my heart.
And all of this is because
she loved me from the start.
I love her, and I know that
will not ever go away.
Because we need each other,
I am here to stay.

Please, just push me over the end so I don't have to do it myself.

I want to tell you.
Abuse
Isn't exactly a thing
People should know.
The kind of
Abuse
Isn't really someones
Fairytale way of
Living.
But who says I'm
Living?

I'm completely
Dead
Going in a downward
Spiral
That leads me into a
Dark oblivion.
My breathing becomes
Faster and then
Stops
Just as I hit the pavement.

Glad I'm gone
Or am I?

im in a whirlpool of emotions
and i'm not sure whether i should
fight against this current or
if i should just let myself
go.

and I throw up "I love you's" and think of a time when they meant something other than the useless ways they are said nowadays

and here i am
back again
thinking of his hands.
a rush,
a shiver,
i know what this means.
i only take what i can
stand.

his tongue moves
in ways,
a bend.
i can feel him in my
bones.

its been hours
and I'm still here
wondering if he is my
home.

You make me smile everyday and
I know shouldn't think that this might
go somewhere, but
I cannot seem to not think
about where this could
go.

he seems of
summer
but has
eyes like
winter
and never again
will he
slumber
because he will
never win
her.

How do I even begin to say I'm sorry?
Amy... What I've done to you
can never be taken back.
You mean the world to me,
and I am so sorry for how awful of a
friend I've been.
I was selfish and I was so sad,
and the one person who was really there for me
was you, and I hurt you so terribly.
What I did is truly unforgivable,
and I will not even dare to ask for your forgiveness,
Because I know I am not worthy.
But I just need you to know how sorry I am,
And how I plan on letting you know.
I'm a ******* awful human being,
And I never would've realized how much I've
Turned to **** if she wouldn't have made me realize what I've done.
I was completely oblivious to the pain I had caused,
and for lack of better words,
I was blind to what I did,
Especially to you.
You were my best friend,
And I'm such a ******* idiot for hurting you.
I'm so sorry Amy. I'm so so so so so sorry.
I will find a way to make things right,
And I will tell you all of this in person.
I love you, Amy. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused.
I know I have made mistakes,
And it's time for me to own up to them.

I also remember this day.
We went into the bathroom,
and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
I looked at you from across,
And you smiled shyly at me.
And I kind of just pounced,
And I grabbed your face,
And our lips did not fit together correctly.
You pulled me away while laughing,
And told me to give it another go,
And I slowly came back and let my lips
fit with yours like you were my missing puzzle piece.
I was wrong.

I'm just trying to
Forget.

poor boy...*
can't seem to get his
wants and needs
s
   t
r
   a
i
        g
  h
t
.

he says he needs me,
but we both know that
I'm just a "want"
and nothing
more.

her kiss is like fire, and I want to **burn.

sometimes i can still feel your arms around me
but instead of you holding me by my waist
you are now grasping me by my neck
and you are trying to take away what little breath
i have left inside of me.

i heard it in his voice,
desperation was
seeping from his lungs
through the phone that night.
he wouldn't let me off because
he thought i was going to do it.
i kept trying to reassure him that i was okay
and that i was talking about myself over the
past few weeks and months, not in that
exact moment.

alas, he didn't let me sleep alone that night.
i could hear the desperation in his voice as he
begged me to stay because things will be better one day
and i know they will be, but its just so hard to see sometimes.
i could hear the desperation in his voice as he gave me more reasons
to live as quickly as he could, because i could feel how afraid he was.

he is wonderful, and i am grateful for him everyday.
i don't want him to have desperation in his voice ever again when it
comes to me, because its not fair to him that he has to worry about
someone so broken.

i just want him to be happy, and i want to be there when he is.

Even though our flower died,
We can plant a new seed in hopes
Of a beautiful bloom one day.

Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm

Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I thank you, ooo
Don't ever leave me alone

When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and died

Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me darling

When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and died

Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Oh, believe me darling
Believe me when I tell you, ooo
I'll never do you no harm

We sit down
Take notes
And
The copying begins.

I write everything down
Till my hand starts to ache.
I look over at your set
But then back at mine.
The only difference
Was that I didn't have
Her name
Written all over it.
                                                        On the top.
         On the sides.

                          On the bottom.
Everywhere.

torie
Written in hearts and with
Love.

If only you knew that I
Do the same with yours.

we were on the phone while you were
getting ready for work and you
said, "hey love, i know you're reading
so i don't wish to be a bother, but i'm going
run to take a quick shower, alright?"
i said a quick "mhm" and you laughed and said
"okay, ill be back soon, love you."
i heard you turn on the water and
i could hear the unzipping of your pants and
i could practically feel the way you
peeled off your shirt from your toned body.
i wasn't paying attention to you, but in that moment,
i just couldn't help it.
your voice sounded so heavenly as you sang in the shower
and all i wanted to do was jump through the phone and
join you as you sang sweet nothings.

We're becoming so distant sweetheart.

I knew I should've went today.
I should've left this town,
gone to a place in the mountains with the rest of them.
But instead I opted to stay.
Why?

Please make love to me.

Yesterday, I caught myself off guard.
I was singing "Help!" and I laughed to myself.
I saw her standing there and she said,
"I'm suprised you can still sing The Beatles."
I said, "Me too. But just because she's gone, doesn't mean they have to be too."
She asked me what I wanted and I couldn't help but say that I Want to Hold Your Hand. But we don't always get what we want, do we now?
And With a Little Help From My Friends, I think I'll survive this heartbreak, this heartache.
I've been Across the Universe with you, but that was never enough. You still wanted more, and I hope you find it one day, my dear.
For a few weeks, I wanted to Get Back to the way things used to be, but we could never do that no matter how hard we tried.
And I send All My Loving to you, to you, to you.
Maybe I'll find it again someday--love--, but i think it's time to just Let it be.
And I Love Her. I love her dearly. I love her completely and unconditionally. I meant what I said, forever and equally. But it's time. I'm sorry, it's time.

A missing part of me
a limb so to speak
a knife in my back
with the pain but
no metal peeking out
of my shoulder blades.

A voice here and there
it speaks to me in the night
whispers "I miss you" and
"I shouldn't have gone" but
the voice hasn't gone away and
it may never leave me be.

But, the thing about voices
are that they aren't always yours
and they tend to take the form of
your friends, family, and lovers.
What were you? Were you technically
all of the above? Or were you simply
just a friend? Maybe an almost lover?
You felt like family, but the things I
wanted weren't something you'd do
with a sister or cousin...

Your voice whispers to me in the night
and I cannot let it leave.
But the less I see you
and the less I hear from you
the more your voice fades
and the more I grow in
loneliness.

Making this poem
For "proclaiming my 'love' "
Isn't going to work anymore.

Because now I understand
Why we could never be and
Now my heart is really sore.

I keep trying to know why
And keep trying to go
But something is just holding me back.

Maybe it's my heart
Telling me "no" and that
You are someone I shouldn't lack.

But if you're so special then
Why did you go?
Just for the fun of it all?

Do you get joy
Out of a girl like me?
Did you like watching her fall?

Maybe I'm wrong or
Maybe I'm not, but really,
Why should I even care?

Maybe it's because when
I look at you, my heart explodes
And it's something I can't even bear.

You turned me down
Laughed at me
Looking around
I silently sigh not
Knowing what I'm in
For.

Strange tears, the
Hot one fall down
My cheeks
knowing
That I'll be alone
Without you.

And what love is bliss?
The light of her soul
brightens my ever darkened
home.

Why would I deny myself the simple pleasure of your beauty?

my heart aches for the pieces it has lost but
i simply cannot allow them to come back.
i still wouldn't be the same girl from
before even if they did.

I've been told that they
Don't show much.
Why does that make me
Want them to then?
To make new ones,
To show that I've been through things.
It feels like I'm
Asking for attention when I
Pull down my sleeves
But then it doesn't as I'm
Slicing my skin open.

What am I doing to myself?

You said in a drug induced haze, "how many times do I have to say I love you for you to believe me?" and I said, "never." because I do not think I'll ever believe anyone anymore when they say that they do. Too many promises are attached to a simple "I love you" and I know nobody can keep them anymore.

remind them of their mistakes and remind them of how unworthy they were of your love and how worthless they are over and over again until the trigger has been pulled and there is blood on the floor surrounding you.

and I remember the days when I was so sure about everything, but all of what I was so sure of has been ruined.

and as I let her go back into his arms, I realized how much I missed you. I watched as they cuddled and kissed, and I realized how much I miss you. I miss nuzzling into the crook of your neck, and I miss the feeling of your lips on mine. I realized just how ungrateful I was for having you, and how I never really thanked you for the wonderful love that we shared. I thought I had while we were together, but did I ever really tell you or show you just how grateful I was to have you in my life? God... I miss you Leigh. I miss you so terribly. but, I've come realize that there are times when I cannot miss you. I can't miss the way you smell or the way you smiled at me that day in the park. I can't miss that day when we held each other in your bed and kissed like we had never tasted a love so sweet before. that was one of the most magical moments in my entire life. I remember that just like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling of your skin on my own and the light you brought into my life. Some days I can't remember if you ever said I was your soulmate, but I always felt like you were. we seemed like we had an unstoppable love, and we hurt so many of those around us when your love for me withered like the rose on my window. but I will never forget you. I cannot forget you. the days I try to forget are the days when I am at my most vulnerable and deeply depressed. I can't seem to forget the way you made me feel, I felt so confident and so sure about everything, especially our future, wherever that may have led us. I wanted to give you everything in the universe, but that wasn't enough, was it? you didn't want the universe, hell, in the end you didn't even want me anymore. some days I convince myself that what you wanted was for me to feel the pain that I caused in the summer, and some days I can remember that you aren't heartless like many believe you are. I could always see you. I have always been able to see you. I know you have a heart, one of the biggest hearts that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. in this dying world, you were my other half. a part of my soul was given to you, where did it go? did you let that go as well when you left me? But I am whole without you. actually, I've felt more myself now than ever. It probably seems harsh, but it's true. I'm learning how to be more and more true to myself. I couldn't be completely honest with you, there always seemed to be something to hide. not that I had secrets, but that I know that you didn't trust me, so it made me lack trust in you as well even though there was no reason to. but in the end there was. i could feel it. and I asked around and I told a few select people of my suspicions, but they laughed, told me I was being dumb and that I was just being paranoid. funny thing is, I never listened to them. actually, in the end I did. I started to. that's where I went wrong, huh? just a few nights before you left, I told you that I loved you. could you hear my sobs in between? I asked you why and you gave me a measly "I love you", and you said nothing. that's when I knew. God... that's when I knew you were gone. I wanted you to hear my muffled sobs, to know that I cried everyday on from that because I knew you were so far gone. I wasn't enough anymore. maybe if we had learned to be grateful, we could've lasted. or maybe our time was just over, and it's time to move on. sometimes I torture myself with the thought of you and what you have done. but I've done some awful things, and I am truly sorry for how I hurt you. are you worth dying for? I still believe that you are. but not with me taking my own life. no, you aren't worth my own precious life. but what do you deserve? happiness and love in its most purest form. and as much as I wish I could be the one to give it to you, I've come to realize that you cannot get the purest love and happiness from anyone else in this world except for yourself. so I ask anyone who reads this to please realize that you should never let another person be your own source of happiness and love. if you do, you will surely burn each other.

I'm gonna go see Hozier instead of watching you dance with him.

i would still die for you
even
        though
im
           already
                


                              *dead

I had a nightmare,
And It woke me up.
I screamed for help,
No one heard.
You were there,
And for some reason
You helped me.
You killed them,
The ones who
Tried to **** me.
That's what friends do right?
But then I watched you
Die in different ways.
Each one slower
And more painful
Than the last.
I hope I never really
Have to experience that.
I hope I'm the first to go and
You'll live forever
Missing me.

I-say-id-rather-be-with-you-
but-you-are-not-around-
so-imma-call­-somebody-up-
and-see-if-they-be-down-cause-
i-hate-sleeping-alon­e-
i-hate-sleeping-                    
alone

he told me he loved me by accident, or so it seemed.
we were laughing together like any normal night
and we were facetiming to talk about his car and
how much we missed each other.
and as we were laughing, i realized he stopped.
i found him staring at me and him slowly forming the phrase,
"I love you, Rachel."
he didn't come out of his daze for awhile,
and he seemed quite surprised that he had said it.
he sort of nodded and smiled, as if he was assuring himself that
he meant what he said when he told me that he loved me.
i just remember looking at him,
looking at my glass screen wishing i could touch him on the cheek
or even hold his hand, just so he could know that
i feel the same too.

i'm sorry that words don't seem to be enough to show my love for you.
i just know that I've been told that phrase enough without actually feeling the love that is supposed to be radiated between two people when they say it.
i just know that i never want it happen again, and with you it hopefully never will.

so, when you said you loved me, you said you meant it.
you said that our silly banter and my laugh and the way i breathe while i read made you fall for me.
you said you didn't mean to, it just sort of....happened.
but more importantly, you said something that i had never told you that i feared.
"I won't leave you. I can tell that you're scared, because they all leave you. Rachel...I don't want to be like them, I'm different. I love you, and I need you to know that you're loved. I swear I won't leave you, I swear it."
my heart wants to believe him, and my body craves to tell him that I love him too...
but my mind? well,
it's having a hard time letting me believe that
someone can love someone as
heartless as me.

lies make people cold, hard, and stiff.
they make whole people become broken pieces and
they sure as hell only cause more trouble in this already fallen world.

so don't bother lying because
it'll only hurt you more in the
end.

no, i've never known it, but my God, i surely know this isn't it