She sits across from you
And you need me to know
She came home with you last night and looks nothing like me
You promptly compliment her perfume
In a way that says I had the sweet smell of lust on the tip of my nose once before
And it did not smell like this
This is better
New
So I hope this time for you
It’s true  
That in the august morning air your first thought isn’t a new way to twist the knife
The wound through my chest has not long been healed
There is cool steal fragments lodged inside me that you crafted with your own two hands
Ten years holding our undying burden of truth
It’s written on my face
There is nothing bittersweet here
May she be strong enough to hold it all and fast enough to chase
I pray this is the ******* end for everybody’s sake

I am a breath of morning air
In the east side I watch the sunrise over the city
Warm glows wrap their arms around cold dark towers standing too far apart to hold hands
We were once two kids doing the same
Dancing in the dark
Kissing until dawn  
Leaving in the morning
We parted like towers casting shadows over each other
Last night I saw the sun set and beneath the orange umbrella I felt you twitch
You are the flickering yellow glow of street lights
The pain of an 8pm curfew in the dead of summer
The hollow call home of your absent mother
When you wake up and you think of me
I hope you know it’s not the same
It never will be  
I won’t hurt for you now - Not tonight
I’m staying in
Now you make me lock my doors up tight

Winter is curling it’s toes in anticipation
And I’m covering my eyes
These days I have been hiding at home
I have shut all the curtains
Offering a sneaky gaze at the sunsets before returning to my place on the floor
There is an emptiness in growth that is indescribable
There is a sadness in leaving things behind
I am right in the middle of success and being 20 years old stumbling home from the bar
And as I watch all the plants die outside
Through the window I can see what looks like me
Just older
Continuing down this path in the winters darkness
This season is painful and I’m supposed to grateful  
But aging feels a lot like waiting for the snow to fall and burry me too

Where did all the love I gave go
When you’re young it’s effortless
So easy to give away
And by the time it’s too late
You’re searching your whole body to muster up anything to hand over
Anything to be enough
To fill you up
If all the love my heart gave is still out there
With no place to go
Pray it knows
It’s welcome back

The thing no one tells you about grief is that time doesn’t always heal your wounds
I am no longer 17
And I no longer go weak at the knees for you
I don’t need your praise or touch
But
I still skip your favourite songs on my playlists
Like I’m committing sweet revenge for myself at 20
Hopeless and dedicated
Like if the 4 minutes and 30 seconds of Heartbeat play one less time in your lifetime
You’ll know
And you’ll feel me at 24
Hoping it hurt you bad

When we sleep
I imagine that we go to the same place
I picture you
Your tattoos and red wine stained cheeks
You smell like ice cream and you taste like it too
Everything that you love
Looks like me
It’s so real sometimes that when I reach out for you
I can feel you reaching back
In my dreams you say everything that I want to hear
And you mean it

There's a sense of hope that hides away in me
Like an abused dog
I’ve made a close friend with the past
Validation only feels like a gold star when you’re the one to peel it off
And stick it on my shirt
I guess i just want you to know that i've done all the work
And still like it

She asked me how laying on that table felt
And I told her like a body in a morgue
Like I belonged to a crime scene
When I got up to leave
My soul stayed behind
She’s been stuck there for years
Naked and sterile
A lost ghost and her bones that used to belong to me stands shaking
Like an abandoned home at the end of the street
Broken down and empty
No one looks inside
No one checks on the memories that still reside there

I have this painting in the back of my closet that I started for you many moons ago
The more I look at the half painted mountains the more they all remind me of me at 22
Resting
Im in my home with the man I love
He’s singing in the other room
We have Christmas decorations up and I’m petting our cat
A year ago today I remember wondering what it would be like to be loved by someone that I loved back
I made up days that I liked better
Crowded rooms with spilt drinks    
On the worst nights I danced so hard that my feet bled
For a long time I thought my hopeless dedication and imagination unraveled me to the core
They never saw the rope I was holding onto
It’s been steadily dragging me behind it
Wrapped around my wrists
Elbows burned to the bone
Day by day since I was just 17
It’s been so long
But I’m here now

There’s a large handful of people I’ve loved that I no longer have
When the floods came they washed away
Erosion left behind cracks with their names in the shattered pavement of my hometown
And even now when I step over them on the sidewalk
What I mean to say is I wish you no ill will
No broken backs
When I see you growing small weeds between broken promises and heartache
What I mean to say is I hope after this storm
That there will be sun
That even now I can only hope for growth

I watched you set a fire
But never once felt the burn  
And so I danced in the dwindling flames
And you came around just enough to keep it burning
You are the last thing a moth sees before it dies
It must be true when they say that you only feel the smoke once you leave the house
Because here I am
Buckled over on the front lawn
Gasping for fresh air

When I let go of his hands and released him
I let go of someone who no longer served me
And freed him of someone who had not served him in years
I know that time will whisper hard truths to him Things I could not have yelled any louder
And there will be no ugliness
Just peace
The universe gives gifts that are often disguised as harsh endings and scary beginnings
But when I opened myself up to be alone  
I found in the midst of chaos
A hand that I’ve never wanted to hold more

The tips of my fingers barely peek out past his knuckles
I am safe in these hands
He runs his thumb across my skin
Kissing my wrists and tracing my nails
Have you ever had a man hold you in their palm and not close their fist
He reaches up
Arms open
Hands wide
I experience touch for the very first time

When he leaves for work he kisses the side of my face
In a warm embrace
Something about hiding under his sheets feels like home even in his absence

He said that he didn’t know something like this could exist until he found me
It’s 4am and I’m showing him soft skin
He makes me want to dance in the shadows of his kitchen
Barefooted and light  
Complete devotion in our touch
I want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
And scale his back with small hands
There’s mountains and water and sun
And then us
Nothing is more beautiful than this
Until he found me I never knew lust and love could exist together in matrimony
Made up of slow music and cooked meals
He will be everything I’ve ever wanted and I will be everything in between

Lately I have felt the tides turning
This isn’t love but what it feels like to fall out of it
I opened my eyes underwater and for the first time in years I could see
There is an ocean of other people
And a man thirty minutes north of Miami
2391.1 km from me
Who feels the tides turning too

There’s a man who lives in the next town over
He has unmistakable olive skin and light brown hair
He has these piercing blue eyes and a smile that takes up his entire face but my mum will tell you that he and I
Look nothing alike
The women in his family have full hips
And big lips and
My mother will tell you that
Them and I
Will never be anything alike
There’s songs on the radio that play in the car
And sometimes I swear to god he’s listening at the same time
And we’re speaking for the first time since I was a child
He hands me a beer and tells me that he loves the sound of this mans voice
And I tell him that I don’t even remember what his sounds like

When I woke up I was crisp and paralyzed
Betrayed by my body
Left out to dry my own tears
But there was no sunshine for weeks
I blew around in the wind for days
Holding onto a rope as the twine unravelled
I was weightless  
Pale as a ghost
And soft as 100% cotton
I don’t know how to explain what it feels like to live your worst nightmare over and over again
Other than the sheets you’ve had folded up in your closet for years
The ones that your mum only takes out when distant relatives unexpectedly stop by and you have no time to prepare
I’m cleaning up a mess that I did not make but here I am
Still delicate  
Some days are so hard I can’t even get out of bed but make no mistake
Other days I tuck the sheets in tight
Making my bed just to lay down again
Choosing what I want to do with my body is a liberty I will never get tired of
I’m weightless because I won’t be held down  
I’m a ghost because I will not rest unless I want to
I’m soft because never again will I be convinced that my ability to forgive is a weakness.

I’d like to think that the universe gave me
You
To let me feel all of pain I’ve felt
It watched and waited around for all these years
Tapping its fingers in anticipation
Prompting me to write my book and hand back the finished copy
There was a gift for all three of us in beginning of this
But if there is one thing that you and the universe have taught me
It’s that this gift is no longer yours for the taking

I had the dream again last night
The one where you die of a drug overdose
And I am chasing death down a dark hallway
I woke up in a cold sweat
Reaching to any god to provide proof you were well
Instead I found out that last night while we were both asleep a man with your name died from a drug overdose
He tried to kiss me three weeks before under a lamp light
The snow was falling and we shared a cigarette
We spoke about Dubai and tigers and salsa dancing
He put his coat around my shoulders to keep me warm
He told me he wanted to be free and he jumped
Up and down
I told him I was in love
But it wasn’t with him
Tonight I cried to all the gods for all three of us
Because while you and I lucked out of this round
A good man with an aching heart did not  
I still do not feel lucky at all
And you will never understand just how lucky you are

I’ve got no fear of letting them down
We’re already all sitting cross legged on the ground
And they’re holding me by my ankles
In the distance I see all my dead relatives
And old friends
The ghosts of people who held me by wrists
And I see them reaching out
But I’m not close enough to pull up

When you read my book and you find your name between the cracks
Of all my words and promises
Please do not think you’re in the acknowledgments
Know that none of my tears were yours to dry
They washed my skin and healed my wounds
That every time I’ve spilled my guts to strangers
They've all promised that there is a world of where you exist
But you’re not at the centre
And they were right  
I watched you walk away but this time I didn’t cry
Because after all the years I’ve spent invested in a love that is one sided  
I finally found myself in the reflection of your glass walls
I put my clothes back on and I left
It took me five years to see right through you
And you didn’t do a **** thing to get me here

The final moments we shared
Together but alone
In all of our vulnerability
There was traces of lies
The weakest you are is the strongest I am
To call me beautiful
With a curled tongue
And clenched teeth
Even when you’re gentle
Your hands have cracks
Lie to me with pursed lips
Kiss down my spine
Until my back curves like the country roads
On the way to your fathers

Mother says that when two crows mate for life
They are blinded by love
There is no temptation
They can recall it all and despite them all looking the same
Once two crows fall in love  
They are completely different
Swollen with full tummies
And shaken feathers cleansed by their partners mouth
Bringing each other small gifts of silver

Once I drove past two crows on the side of a busy highway
One lay lifeless in a shallow grave of gravel
The other
Pacing back and forth away from cars
But immediately returning to tempt fate
To **** two birds with one careless driver
Yet even in death they did not part
At least not fast enough to prove my mother wrong

I opened my mouth with confidence
For years preaching that we are the only permanent homes we have
When disasters strike
When the ground shakes
When all four walls fall down
We are left naked in our own skin
Soft tissue to protect us from catastrophe
I've been learning that I am a liar
Have you ever been broken to the core
I watched you close the door and the frame fell
I am not that same girl
Not anymore
I hear the same birds but they no longer cry in the wind
They’re singing
I jump up and down barefoot in the mud
But now the ground breaks under my feet
Now I am the disease
The natural disaster
I will burn down every house
And rebuild them with my own hands if I choose
The grass will always be greener on my side
There is no key and no temple
No permanent home
I am not a safe place to reside when you feel alone

We stayed up late again
Picking fruit from tall trees
The year was 2015
Taste testing togethers sweeter memories
Pretending I was not laying beside a body of another sleeping man
You say this is the longest we've been apart
And you are so hungry for more
You promise you have not seen her for over a month as if I don't understand the ripening process
The growth of loneliness
Leaving bruises from craving someone who isn't there when you need them
Fruit flies offering temporary intimacy
You asked if I remembered drinking orange juice together at 4am
I told you that every time I pull back the peel to sink my teeth into the skin of the pith
I taste your cracked lips
I **** on the seeds and spit them out
Forgetting the bad parts

My body has a natural pull to answer your beckoning
We are two children mirroring each other in public school gym class
You have always been A
I have always been B
She will always be C

I wear the sweater you slipped over my head after *** but now I wear it because it looks good on me with a pair of leggings.
It doesn’t smell like you, it smells like me.
If someone compliments it, I tell them how comfortable it is and that I got it from the men’s section at Old Navy.

The Matriarch of my family stands 73 years tall
One hip replacement
One lung and a long history of putting others before herself
She holds me as she cries
She whispers that she is so sorry for creating a history of women who put more love into men
Than they do themselves
I tell her
Not me Nana
I tell her that she is the most resilient woman on the planet
That selling her wedding rings and escaping material custody
Forced across the country with two small children is the bravest thing she has ever done
I reassure her that poverty is better than abuse
That one day I’ll take care of us all
I’ll stretch myself so big and hold all the women who live within lingering shadows
Scared to flee when it feels the entire universe is screaming stay into your face
Banging against the wall with angry fists
I tell her
Not you Nana
You don’t need saving

Loving you was like handing a picked flower to a swarm of bees
Small gestures with premeditated endings
Good intentions were not enough

I have been finding so much beauty in falling out of love with you
And the more I find this budding strength beneath my soft layers
The more I am thankful for your sins
Grateful for your hate you hand me
I accept your challenges with open arms
I’m afraid to love you forever
But I’d be glad to do it

He whispers scintillate
A ray of light
Look up and see that no one shines the same
He asks if I know that out there in the ether
There is a million people
And then there is me
Globule vivific and
Population statistics
A million and one he says
He speaks to me
Lately there’s been a ghost under his covers
Wrapped up in pale sheets under the twilight glow
I watch from his window
Towering a million miles high
I beg to reach out to shake his frame loose
The ghost in your bed belongs to my body
The friction of skin against cotton sheets
Cant you see my spark

Recently my friend expressed concern about my yearning for you
She told me that I was the first woman she’d ever met to not take a mans ****
She said really
You’ve never let any other man wrong you
You crush them between your soft palms and wipe away the residue
I wanted to tell her that one night two years ago
Curled up on the steps of my back porch
Under the humming lamp light
I was yelling at you over the phone
And you laughed
You told me that you found it beautiful when I stood up for myself
Little did you know that as your flattery soothed my ultimatums
I was letting hundreds of mosquitoes **** my veins dry
Blood dripping from my itchy skin
I did not swat them away

I forgive myself for weakened willpower
Loving the wrong person has always come easy
But old habits are hard to break
Especially when you’re constantly trying to fix them

You always told me you’d die young
You wore it as a gold medal for fast living
After we broke up I started having these vivid nightmares
Screaming night terrors of me running through a hospital
The cautious eyes of your grieving companions
Standing in the back of a funeral home was the first time that I met your sister
They say in a life or death situation
That the entirety of your existence flashes right before your eyes
But when it happened to me
It was just you there
The night I decided to not speak to you anymore
I dreamt of every good moment we’d ever had together
From two kids kissing in the back of your first car
To two adults making love on the balcony of your first condo
I need you to know I’ve laid us to rest
And eventually I’ll be at peace with that

Lately I have been unapologetically killing every spider that I can find
I do this because I know that you love it when it rains
I thought I was never really one to believe in wives tales
But you spent the last four years whispering tales
That one day you were going to make me your wife
And I believed every ******* word
So I keep killing these spiders
Hoping that when it rains you sit outside and you listen when it tells you that you made mistake
Prying that when it drips on your shoulders and rolls down the back of your arms
that the universe will return and tell me all about it

I’ve decided to quit smoking
So I stop searching for fire from strangers
When I’m craving the taste of your lips


R.M

For the longest time I was unsure on how to pronounce words
When you weren't the person listening
It’s just we’ve been playing tag longer than the sun has been chasing the moon
Searching the universe for her partner to sooth her to sleep
I’ve been sitting under the grapefruit trees carving our initials into chipped wood
Waiting for your return
Thinking maybe this time
you’ll choose me to swallow up
Instead of composting me
Knowing I’ll bloom for you all over again
I’ve been flopped on my back underneath you
exposing my soft feminine underbelly
For far too long
Pet me and tell me I’m a good girl
Like a dog basking in the sun
Waiting on the porch for you to come home
Howling to the moon
All the lights have gone out
Yet I stayed put for all that time
Regurgitating grapefruit  
I embodied that unconditional kind of love
But I don’t love you anymore

My mum said that when you’re around
I stop taking care of myself
because I’m too busy taking care of you
Before you left last night you put one last cigarette between my lips
covering the wind
you put your hand against my cheek
to light a small fire between us
I thanked you
as if you hadn’t killed me enough already
My mum was right

I will protest for us until the end of time
With scraped knees and dirt under my nails
Sipping the wines of all the gods in history
Taking every desirable drug under the sun to be your equal
I will sing the songs of soothing deep sea sirens
Reading your palms with promising lips
and native tongue
I will understand even when you don’t
I will do it all for you


R.M

The delicate bumblebees have been searching for their leader
The ants have been digging holes with no destinations
Sweet man not a single flower has sprung in your absence
And I have no answers to give the birds when they come knocking at my bedroom window
Little tears frozen to their faces
Last week I wailed with the drooping daisies about your death
Guilt consumed us whole
We’ve been trying to take comfort with beetles and the frogs
I kissed the ground with hot breaths and gave the weeds mittens
The truth is even the ducks flew south for the summer
The desperate sun has been setting so quickly
Trying to sleep off her emptiness
The freezing rain causes all of the grass on mothers nature’s back to stand straight up
As she begs Hades to hand you back

I’ll never get over the feeling of our bodies clashing together
After months apart
Pretending you don’t crave me presented on fine china
Holding me up against the kitchen cupboards
Investigating my feminine floral blue print in the glowing yellow light of the fridge
Deciding if I’ll look better on laid on the dining table
or shattered against your bed

The way his fingers trace my hips
like nails on a chalkboard
and his wrists cuff my throat
like a collar with a return address,
the same things I fell and scraped my knees for 1095 days ago.
My palms have gravel and the sweet smell of your bedsheets engraved in them.
Everything he tells me is honest and pure when I’m not listening closely enough to distinguish the truth,
Yet I would take his lies over silence every minute of the day.
Im not a stupid woman I tell him, I am just stupid for you.
Tell me you love me one more time,
I’ll finally believe you when you tell me that you’ve changed,
Darling I’ll even plug my ears in anticipation.
Your shadow loves playing hide and seek in the most toxic parts of my body,
I carry your weight with me every single day.
Ive let go of the most tremendous parts of myself to be able to lift the attributes you crave.
I’ve been running to catch up to your speed
for so ******* long
but  
Every time I believe I’ve caught up to you, you’re taking two steps
backwards
Please slow down
my coordination is off
and I am falling so inlove with the way your teeth crack as you spoon feed me *******.
Ive hit your rock bottom all over again.

I think about you only when I’m alone
Distraction is great when you’re inlove with someone who is incapable of compassion
I have the taste of your skin memorized on the tip of my tongue
Every time I annunciate I feel your hand wrapped around my throat then your lips whispering in my ear

hush

I always stopped talking when you told me too but that’s exactly what you hated about me
I’m sorry that the hem on my sleeve has unraveled and my heart is on the floor but we cannot all be broken the same way
The truth is I only need you when I haven’t seen you in months
I only cry for you when I think about you unbuttoning my jeans
The swift movement down my thighs taking a white sock off with them at the same time
I know the fragile curves of my body are imprinted in your unconscious and when you touch other girls your hands smell like my perfume.
We only want each other when we can’t have each other and that’s why I’ll spend the rest of my life with other men.