[theres something wrong with her]* , i told him,
[she's beautiful.] *
/cause or symptom?/ he asked, and i shrugged.she was wearing green nail polish
and cheap sandals, drinking bottled water,
i was on the corner like a vagrant,
sundress and sunglasses,
reading far too much into
every movement.
she looked like she tipped taxi drivers far too much,
like she could break every bone
and laugh about it the next day,
and i wanted to **** her.
like that would give me part of her, like an exchange
and not just an act.
{she was looking at her phone and she laughed at god knows what,
a text or a picture or anything but i
wanted to cook for her,
i wanted to sleep with her and still be friends
the next day}
he nudged me and i shrugged,
traced patterns on the sidewalk till she left.
/there's something wrong with you/ he told me. i shrugged.

you were fundamentally
burnt out.
you were a ******* human,
not a machine.
i didn’t blame you.
as humans
we rot from the inside out.
the marrow of our bones,
blackens,
and our hearts freeze over.
i didn’t blame you.
you were breathing at a pace
more rapid than the ticking of the clock
on a sunday night.
in between dry-heaves you told me
“i’ll be okay, i’ll be okay,
i’ll, be okay.”
i wanted to believe you, but
i didn’t blame you.
i think the sound of your voice
on a tuesday afternoon
is conclusively what kept me going.

Somebody told me
that in their dream
I had said, 'Love is so hard to find,'
and they said, 'I'm right here'
and we kissed
and then another person
took my face in their hands
and giggled, and didn't, and I failed,
I always have that dream when I just hold someone
I just hold them in my arms all night long and that's when I know it will end
some people are scared love will never find them because they've never felt it
and I think they're lucky, they're lucky because love hurts
it hurts and its an ordeal that will scar your heart
I'm scared my heart is too scarred to pump anymore
I'm tired of falling for people,
and I dreamed of you every night for months and
you didn't dream of me, you didn't look at me,
you don't owe me anything for me just being nice to you
but I don't hate you for not loving me,
I hate myself for loving you.

you said you couldn't
fall in love

did you mean
with me
or someone else?

i would like to think there's
some kind of hope
some kind of light
some kind of love
that we can share
when we are less
broken

i don't want to fix you
but maybe
i can help you
to pick up the pieces
and buy the glue
that i know will work
because i have
used it
before