i’ve given up on days that begin in late afternoon,
skipped breakfast and lunch,
days that fade slowly and end with
****** cut-out holes in eyelids because
the second i close them and it all goes black,
every moment with you comes back
played on fast-forward, the memories moving so quickly
that both our faces are blurred
and it feels like everything i’ve ever felt for you
is overflowing the tub, filling the washroom with
suds that take forever to melt

i’ve given up on those days.

i’ve traded them for ones that begin with
sunrises instead of sunsets,
days that are spent falling forward
instead of trying to chase the past, and i don’t
look back and see something broken, or
something that was better off left unopened

i look back and see our bodies so close together
that you can’t tell where yours begins and mine ends,
i see my heart that grew twenty-three times its size,
i see you and me wrapped up in something that
i didn’t know existed outside of blurry 35 mm
and overdue and falling-apart library books
that sit on the nightstands of middle-aged women
who are bored with their lives

and i’m just so happy i got to love you at all.

but i’ve folded up all the days spent with you
and taped them in the messy pages of my journal
and now i’m running into the sun,
running away from every lie that’s trying to
wedge its way in between my ribs,
running in the opposite direction of words like "regret"
and any feeling that insists that none of it was worth it

because all of it was worth it.

every moment we were together pumps
through my veins, and it will always be there;
it will be there when we’ve both graduated,
when you move out west,
when you kiss your family goodnight,
when you sit in your backyard with tears
in your eyes because you’ve lived a life
you are proud of

it will be there when i finally make it to new york city,
when i kiss someone who isn’t you,
when i find the answers you inspired me to search for,
when i sit on my rooftop with tears on my cheeks
because i’ve lived a life fuller than i could’ve ever imagined

and you and i will live these lives apart,
we’ll move on and forget what it felt like
to wake up beside one another;
we’ll find what we’re looking for elsewhere
and we’ll understand why this all had to happen the way that it did

but what we had will always exist somewhere,
in rotting apples and old mail and unplayed mix CDs,
in mosaics that line the city streets, in sirens and
red and white flashing lights that shine through
your window while you are asleep

you and i were magic,
we always will be.

Maybe, it's the way you smile,
Or maybe, its the way I could get lost in your eyes,
Whether it's soothing sound of your voice,
Or the way you care for so many people.
There's something about you,
About your mind,
About your soul,
There's just something that I _.

I'm not the man you deserve,
I'm not even the idea of him,
Just because I'm not something,
Does not, mean I can't become something,

Maybe, It's the way you say my name,
Maybe, It''s the way I feel ok being myself around you,
Maybe, It's the way that you are carefree
And yet always worried,

Your soul is so unique and dangerous,
I _ the idea of you,
I _ what you stand for,

Maybe, It's the fact that even she knew what you meant to me,
I can't count how many times,
She stopped me from talking to you,
Because she was afraid I'd leave for you.

I'm a fool for telling myself all that time I didn't _ you,
When the truth is I think I've __d you since I first saw you.
Maybe, I'm being stupid,
Maybe, I'm just realizing that I don't care and I want this,
Maybe, What I'm trying to say is,

That I'm terrified to say,
That,

N.L.K, I love you.

Sometimes I find love,
where love is not wanting to be found -
How beautiful it is to find treasure in you,
Where you find only dirt.

Exquisite sadness.
A tragedy that only my heart knows how to break for,
Over and over
A swell of boom or bust.

Where X marks the spot,
But x means stop,
Means unknown
Means incorrect
Means keep out.

I wonder if anyone will find the love in me,
If I stop giving out free maps.
"The stars live here"

Maybe if I just wrote "home"
Underneath my skin
I would be more easy to find
When you touch me,
Before you leave.

Sometimes, i think,
'if i died, how long would it take for someone to miss me?'
And that's a true thought.
It lays heavy on my soul.
Because life is heavy.
It is suffocating,
Like someone is sitting on my chest,
not an elephant, that's silly,
No,
an actual human being,
one that i love,
but is content
with watching me die,
and probably being busy with, "something",
whilst i struggle to live.
So,
Let's talk about that heaviness,
how it creeps in,
sometimes you don't know it has a pulse,
that it's something actually living,
a parasite that you grow to love,
stockholm syndrome.

Oh man,
people,
are,
heavy.
They think their weight on a scale
bares their true worth,
not knowing that their
wearied shoulders carry the burden of truth.
The heaviness that you bring with you,
through life,
that you carry with you like a dead body,
dragging by the ankle,
behind you,
for who you think you should have been,
and a boulder you push in front of you,
with your other hand,
for everything you're trying to be,
whilst struggling, choking for air,
whilst dragging your legs through invisible tar,
whilst trying to keep your eyes from drowning in sand,
and all the while your heart
covered in lead,
your **** beautiful, ****** heart,
keeps beating.
Oh, man,
The anxiety of living through this,
the beautiful exquisite torture,
the utter privilege,
of living a heavy life.

Oh man,
how,
heavy,
people,
are,
and how they do not know how to stop
looking,
at the numbers,
on the scale.

What is good
When everything that seems so right
Feels like it's anything but?