it’s been so long
3 years maybe
since i’ve loved you

i care too much about the wrong things,
i care too little about the wrong things.

the tingles in your nose,
the burning in your eyes,
right before you cry

the way i adore you but am not allowed to,
the way i want to be with you but can’t,
i understand you’re not ready and now i have to accept that, it’s so hard, life is so hard, i can’t take this anymore. i want to die, i’m obsessing over death currently

i remember when you stopped caring,
i was eight, naive, i needed somebody to care about me.
my dad wouldn’t do it and i thought you could.
i was so wrong. how could i be so wrong!?
you haven’t cared since. you pretend to care on birthdays and facebook but it’s all a facade. i guess i’m the only one that can see through it. i guess i’m the only one that’s seen the other side of you.

it hurts even more because i though he was different,
more likely to care,
more like me.
he was a mirrored image of the others.

“you’re so beautiful”
“you’ve only seen my body, don’t forget to explore the mind’s eye”

you called me pretty,
but only when i was on my knees.
you said i was gorgeous,
but only when we were talking about birds & bees
you named me as a goddess,
but never when i was fully dressed.
i guess all you really wanted was ***.

i wish i could stop caring, for my sake.
i wish i could stop hoping, for yours.
i wish i could fix you, and make you mine, all mine.
that'll never happen, i'm just dreaming.

at a party and nobody noticed i was gone
and then they wonder why my face is so long
i’m so tired of being this way
being ignored by everybody every day
i feel so left it and want to cry
this is making me want to die

“hey! are you okay?”
this is a conversation i have at least eight times a day,
“oh, i’m fine. just a little tired”
as if what i said could get any dryer.

as i lay awake with my eyes open, i realize that i don’t love him. at most, i love how he makes me feel. he’s just another person to me, unimportant. he’s just another face, insignificant. he’s just another lie, eating away at my unhealthy conscience.

i’m too much,
too much to handle,
and yet simultaneously,
i’m not enough

what is life? an obstacle? a game?
i believe that life is pointless. no hope here.
life is the repetition of the chaos and calm. no faith here.
life seems to always be a carbon-copy of the day before. i’m telling you, it’s always the s a m e. think about how many fights you’ve live through, and how many apologies. after nearly every fight there’s an apology. it’s routine. predictable. uniform.
life is hopeless, as i am. life is what you make it i suppose. for now, life is hopeless.

five minutes is feeling like fifteen,
life is feeling like a broken dream.
i feel as if i can’t go on without you,
but it hurts to be held back too.
i can’t handle being hurt,
but if it’s by you then i’ll make it work,
i can’t go on without you.

for him, i would shed many tears,
i would give so many years,
i would waste forever and a minute on someone who will never care.

and at that moment,
every tear,
every all day hatred,
every late night awakened,
was all worth it.

as i lay awake with my eyes open, i notice that i don’t love him, at most i love how he makes me feel. nothing more.

i’ve been wiping tears forever,
nobody to comfort me,
silly little girl.
pillows don’t need comforting.

your smile was so sweet,
you laugh like a dream,
until i realized
it was just you & me.

i wonder if they realize that i haven’t felt this way in so long.
i wonder if they realize that i only have a soft spot for them.
maybe they do, they probably don’t realize.
they realize, they just don’t feel the same

you say i look pretty when i cry.
how’d you know i did it all for you?

it’s not right but i have to accept it. it’s not true but i must accept the lies. i can’t change them.

burden others is all i do,
and occasionally i get used.
i’m so tired of feeling this way,
i just need to be okay.
my heart aches for those around me,
i know they all wish i were gone.
happy is all i want to be,
well i wish life weren’t so long

sometimes i just say your name over and over to hear it again.
sometimes i like to mention you in conversations with my friends
just to think of you.
god i miss you
i miss you more than anything and anyone, i feel like we just have a very special connection.
im tired of longing for you,
tired of repeating your name

mom, i love you
mom, can you take the weekend off?
mom, can he go back to his house?
mom, i miss you
mom, i hate you

i don’t think
i
will ever get past this
and if
i
do
it
won’t be
me

ever since i’ve known myself,
i’ve known that i don’t belong.
i belong in a different home,
with a different life,
and different goals,
maybe even a different soul.

i need a distraction,
more than anything,
i need to get away from this reality.

when they’re lonely and have nobody else,
they’ll come back.
promise.

you’re gentle
and caring

no cheating
no swearing

just comfort
and kindness

without discord
and blindness