I am not good at breathing
everything I see catches in my throat
and causes anxiety to hold my air
i've always been like that
but it's been worse these last few years
until I met you and I swear something cleared
Until I talked to you and I had to worry again
because you
you were perfect and how could I breathe when I had to replay what I had said to you that day
and let my mistakes keep me up all night
breathing is not important when I have thoughts to think
and cringes to feel
and tears to cry
and worries to have
and lists to make
and
and
and
and
and
stop
I stopped talking because you were in love and that is fine
because I was too worried about finals to remember that I even had feelings
so I forgot about you and had the worst summer of my life
as my scars can attest to
and I worried more that summer
about meaningless things than I ever have
I worried so much that I was thrown in to therapy and given pills to swallow
my head cleared but my chest still ached with that pit thats also a knot
Then I met someone and we were fine
but he never understood my kind of crazy and didn't like
how my hands would shake so much I couldn't hold his hand
and how I constantly pulled on the neckless he gave me until it eventually broke
and even after it broke I would scratch at where it hung because that helped me somehow
and how I couldn't kiss him goodbye if I was wearing lipstick because if it smudged oh god
and that I always looked down when I talked to him
and
and
and
and
and
and
and
stop
so we broke up and that's fine because I was never right for him
and things were quiet for a bit
then you
you told me you liked me and I swear I held my breath until you kissed me

and when you pulled away
I could breathe
there were no "and's"
and I wasn't fine I was wonderful
but then you had to leave for school
and I waited for my breath to catch
and bad lists to start
and it happened for a minute
but then I could breathe wonderfully again
because even though you left I still feel happy to have had you
even if it was just for a few weeks
you kissed me
and I believed you when you said nice things
and I could hold your hand
and look at you when I spoke
and I wasn't scared
and had no vices
and I didn't have to stop my lists because they were good lists
for the first time in my life
I could breathe

Tell me anything,
Anything but Reality.

Tell me I’m not made of skin and bones.
Humor me.

Tell me it’s not flesh
That you see
It is a rare substance
Made to hold a mass of creativity

Tell me I do not breathe,
My vitality, air does not sustain.
It is only pulled in constantly
To give rhythm to my brain.

Tell me my heart does not beat
That the pounding only
comes
From a billion butterfly feet.

Tell me I do not bleed
That what pours out
of my veins
Is only liquid speed.

Tell me I do not fear
That it’s only a mechanical
misunderstanding,
Or a malfunctioning gear.

Tell me I do not cry
That the moon simply controls
the water
That spills out from my eye.

Tell me I’m not helpless
That my emotions do not reign
Tell me I’m not vulnerable
That an illusion is all pain.

Tell me Love
I’ll never miss
That the cobwebs of my heart
Can be whispered gone by a single kiss

Tell me I’m the One,
That such a thing is real
Tell me that the sun
Rises at my will

Tell me I am constant
Always on your mind
That another girl like me
Is impossible to find.

Tell me there’s this puzzle
And only I can fit
That I’ll always hold some part of you
At least a little bit

Tell me I’m indispensable.
That no one can take my place
That you’ll never let yourself forget
The details of my face.


And if it’s not too much to ask
Tell me one last lie
Tell me I’m immortal
Until the day I die.

i opened a text
and then i cried
today.

because the "heeeey :)"
that my bestfriend sent me
isn't a
"let me see
if you're ok"
it's a
"please watch my kid so i can hang out with my boyfriend."

and i
know that you're really happy
that he's made you really happy
but i am so unhappy
and you don't even know
because you don't even ask
you only text me last
minute
and you know
i'll do it
i always do it
because i want you to be happy
but sometimes i want to
be happy
too.

Long walks, sad talks. Forever dreams, sad as they seem. Bright smile, depressed style. Shining eyes, hidden behind long hair. Scared girl, mad dad.

You cant leave her out. Don't shut anyone out.

Funny girl, dark secrets. Arms covered in scars. Face covered in bruises. Hidden with makeup.

Long lies, short excuses. Struggling girl, successful man, coming to take her hand. Long nights, short time.

She struggles from the trauma.

Long fights, short nights. Cut even shorter.  

She tried and tried to breathe. But he was just too strong.

Long fight, takes flight. Another angel up in heaven tonight...

i'll sing softly, until you're asleep
i know you were never mine to keep
i'll ignore the tears that roll down my face
because i know you'll be in a better place
my decisions, you shouldn't have to pay
every night i'll get down on my knees and pray
that you find such happiness, a family of your own
i'm so sorry that i couldn't give you a home
but i'm too young and i don't know what to do
and all i want is what's best for you
i never knew a pain that could rip me apart
but i feel it now, the way it's breaking my heart
for nine months i kept thinking that maybe
there'd be a way i could keep my baby
but i'm stumbling, lost and afraid
papers are signed, decisions made
the best i've ever been was wrapped up in you
tiny fingers and toes, eyes so soft and blue
and i will hold on to these moments we had together
you will be in my heart always and forever
i cry as i give you my final kiss
i hope someday you'll understand this
and you'll grow up happy

If you’d ever leave
I wouldn’t know who to be
I wouldn’t know where to turn
I’d have all these bridges to burn

If you’d ever leave
The sun wouldn’t be as bright to me
If you’d ever leave me
My heart would be missing a beat

And if you ever leave
I just wouldn’t know how to see
Even though you would be free
I would never forget that memory

And if you’d ever leave me
I would look out on our seas
In a different way
I would wish you’d stay
If you’d ever leave.