when she says
"i wish i could help you"
why do i hear
"i wish i could fix you"

i can't decide
if i am scared
of your answer
or your silence
i wonder if this time
it will hurt less
now that i am used to
being ignored by you
i am hoping that if i
can send the message
i will be able to move on
because i don't think
i can date someone else
until we are sitting at a
comfortable resolution

i only asked
for you to be honest
you broke me
not in a way
that i won't be able
to put myself back together
i will
but right now
the stitches are breaking
and i am crumbling
and you cannot be honest
i asked you to talk
and you ignored me
just say no
tell me you don't want to
or you can't
tell me something
do not leave me here
sitting
waiting
hurting
reminding me
of our broken promise

the smell of lavender reminds of waiting
the smoke fills the air
violet lights illuminate my room
my lamp flickers
my phone does not ring
the smell of lavender reminds me of waiting
waiting for you

i am still trying
to separate
the things i love
from the memories
of us doing them together
when that song comes on
i am still learning to
sing along
because i deserve to
enjoy the things i love
without having to
think about
enjoying them with you

how do i say
i never want you to leave
when
i know we both need to go

now that you are gone
i feel this sudden urge
to let you read my poetry
i want you to know
how much i loved you
how much i cared about you
how i wrote your eyes
into constellations
hoping that if i
was able to write it down
i would be able to hold onto it
and i want you to know
that you hurt me
but more than that
i want you to know
that i forgive you
that i am not angry
or bitter
that we do not have to be
a souring fruit
and i want you to have
the moments i have penciled
into my memory
because, darling,
there are poems
that only you
will ever be able to understand

last night
when i looked
at the moon
my heart
began to ache
but i couldn't
figure out why
maybe
i thought
i don't miss
looking at the moon
i miss you

i think seeing you happy
makes it easier
because i saw it
how miserable you were
towards the end
and if this is what you need
to be happy
to not be with me
then i will have to learn
to be happy too
because i still
care so deeply about you
that seeing you smile
will always
make me smile

i like it when
you text me first
i like it when you
play with my hair
i like it when you
hold my hand
i like it when you
kiss my forehead
i like it when you
hold me by my waist
i like it when you
laugh really hard
i like it when you
hold me really tight
and i think maybe
it is because
i like you

i don't think
i know how to be both
me
&
happy
at the same time anymore

today is the day
where you
turned into nothing more
than a picture
i can gently tuck away
into my memory box

you asked about my poetry
you stopped and asked me
to reread a poem to you

i cannot tell
if you wanted to hear
my voice shake
or if you really cared

you are the only partner
who ever truly appreciated
my writing

and i cannot understand
how there can be
so much good mixed into the bad

you hurt me in a way
that is unforgivable
but you also cared so deeply
about me

how do i forgive myself
for not constantly being angry
for the scars you have left me with

mom
i am so sorry
i was not ready
and now that i am
mom
i am so scared
how can you ever forgive me
is a lie by omission
still considered a lie
mom
did you know
how long did it take you to realize
i was not going to make this life easy
even though you gave me the world
all of the privilege i could ask for
i would still find a way to make it harder
mom
will you still love me the same way
will you have to grieve the girl i used to be
will you be able to sleep at night
will you blame yourself
mom
it is not your fault
it is no one’s fault
there is nothing wrong
mom
i love this part of me
i love all of me
mommy
please
when you are ready
love this part of me too
love all of me if you can

when i saw a picture of you
i almost didn't recognize you
almost
i am waiting
for the months to
turn into years
and for time to erase
the perfect image
i have created for you

i can't decide
if i will ever
let you
read my poetry
i don't know
if i can
let you in
without scaring
you away

i think i liked it better
when you
completely ignored me
there was no more harsh air
no more bleeding ears
no more impatient tongues
no more broken fingernails
for a moment
there was silence
that no longer felt
uncomfortable
i was so grateful
for those silent moments
when you were not in my mind
and now that you are back
i so greatly wish
for that comfortable silence
to reappear
to wrap me up
to hold me
like the questions
you will never answer
i think
there is some part of me
hidden away
that is still waiting
for you to be the answer
you will never be
my answer

i only listen to other people's playlists
it is not because i don't like other music
it is because listening to your playlist
is almost the same as being with you
because i can feel your heartbeat through the speakers
your pulse through the floor shaking
your laugh through the guitar riff
because my favorite song is you

my life is about me
this has always been
a foreign concept
but now
my life is about me
i have decided to be
intentional
to do the things
that i enjoy
to make myself happy
my happiness should never again
come from another person
and so today
when i sat down
the first thing i wrote down is
my life is about me

i don't understand how
my pen always lands
on her
i want to cut the strings
that tie my hand
and my heart to her
but i can't
and so i tell my new crush
i am not ready
it is not because i am still
in love with her
i am not
it is not because i am
waiting for her to try again
i am not
it is because when i think
about moving on
i think about hurting her
and i am terrified
to hurt her the way
she hurt me

and now
i am sending my truth
out into the world
and doing my best
to expect nothing in return
because my truth
may not be the same as yours
but that does not make it
less valid
and i am doing my best
to not expect anything back
because i am not sharing
for your reaction
i am sharing because i
should not have to hold
these secrets inside of me
any longer

she tells me
i don’t deserve this
and i pretend to believe her
i pretend to agree
i pretend i do not blame myself
i pretend to not find fault in every breath
i pretend like i am happy
i pretend it does not hurt
i pretend
i pretend
i pretend
because maybe for me
pretending is praying
it is sending these things away
hoping for a generous ear
and god is the universe
and i hope that she is patient
and i hope she is forgiving
and i hope that she is there
more than anything
she is there
she has to be

you are not worthless
because she makes you
feel that way

you are not dispensable
because she chose to
throw you away

you are not weak
because you let yourself cry
and be vulnerable

you are not dramatic
when people hurt you
you are allowed to be upset

you are not your mistakes
i know the weight of every regret
sits heavily on your chest

you are not
you are not
you are not

the list can continue for pages
there is no need for reminders
of what you are not

note to self
you are enough
you have always been enough
you will always be enough

put everything else aside
you are the question
you are the answer
you are still enough

not talking to you
is weird
and the hardest part is
the only person
i want to talk to
about not talking to you
is you

today when i sat down
with a pen in my hand
the only thing i didn't
want to write about
was you
how freeing it is
to write about
a new kiss
and a new crush
to write about
my yellow shoes
my best friend
the rainstorm i made it through
how freeing it is
to not write about you

have you ever
loved so much
that you wait
by the phone
not because you
are nervous
just because
you can't wait
to hear from them
i do not get angry
when she doesn't
reply quickly
i get excited
because i still
get to hear from
her

i'm sitting in the back seat
of the car
my dad behind the wheel
my mom in the passenger seat
sitting and writing
instead of telling them
it is not because
i do not think i'm ready
i am
it is because
i do not think they are
i know they will think
they have made a mistake
i cannot be broken
i do not want them
to try to fix me
enough people have tried
but will they ever be ready
i know there is no perfect time
but all i know is
the time is not now

i thought that writing had become
a part of me
but when i start to feel better
i stop writing
and maybe i am not me
when i am feeling better
what a terrible thought to have
is it possible to be me
and happy at the same time

thinking about you
as my ex
feels wrong
***** even
because you are not
something i can
just leave in the past
you are tangled in
my past
my present
and my future
you have seen parts of me
known parts of me
touched parts of me
and learned parts of me
that no one has before
and i don’t know how you feel
but those moments
will forever be tangled
in past, present, and future

please don’t make me feel bad
for wanting to talk to you
if we don’t talk much
of course i’m going
to miss you
i think you forget
that i love you

all i want
is to be your friend
because
i need a friend right now
and i so badly wish
you were willing to be
what i need
or at least willing to try

i think i get it
what it's like to be
on the other side
and all i want to say
to you now is
i'm sorry

i have this polaroid of you
and i don't know what
to do with it
i took it off of my wall
but it doesn't feel right
sitting in the drawer
and i feel like
maybe i should
send it back to you
because maybe it
was never mine
in the first place
maybe the smile
the moment
the trip
maybe your heart
maybe your dimple
maybe our memories
were never meant
for me

i've been looking for any excuse
to talk to you
to text you
to hear from you
but yesterday
i didn't
it was not conscious
it was not purposeful
but it was progress

and i have to ask myself
how could you
have ever loved me
if you never gave us
a chance
and i keep wondering
what did i do
to make you stop loving me
but maybe
you never loved me
or you were never in love with me
maybe you loved feeling loved
or having someone to hold you

do you hate me?
that is all i want to ask
well, do you?
i need to know the answer
how can you hate me?
your voice still echoes through my ears
even though it has been weeks
since i've heard it
what did i do wrong?
please i am begging you
just tell me
when did you stop loving me?
i am not sure you ever loved me
the way i loved you
with no safety net and a
huge fear of falling
how can you expect us to be friends?
you continuously treat me like ****
and i do not know if i can
do that anymore

is it bad
that i don't want
to write about you?
this should be new
and exciting
it should be
jumping in without
fears of falling
it should be
sunflower smiles
but i cannot do that yet
i cannot give you the sun
if i have not found it again
so please
be patient
and i hope my pen
will pick you up too

the sky opened into a torrential downpour
i could not see the lights ahead of us
all i could see was you and the rain
but i was not afraid
i slowed down but i kept driving
you laughed and sang and shouted
when the rain cleared
and we drove into blue skys
i was thankful that the drive was with you
you have always helped me get through the rain

there is a song
a song only you would know
and when i search for the song
it is gone
no where to be found
it is stuck in my head
but when i look through our playlist
it is no longer there
i scour the internet for hours
searching for the words
hoping i can find it without you
i finally reach out
ask you about the song
you remember the words
the melody
the crackling sound of his voice
but you cannot remember his name
and here we are again
searching for something
that has left without a trace
and maybe we are that song
something only we remember
maybe we are not supposed to find it again
maybe that song ends
and we end too
but it did exist
and so did our love
but like that song
we cannot play forever
yet somehow
my mind will continue to sing
take me back
take me back
i’m sorry we never found our el paso

i told the story differently
i made it that
a story
i was not ready
but you were
and i liked you
so i said yes
you are the only person
to ever be inside of me
and i have been waiting
a long few weeks
for my body
to shed this experience
to cleanse me
to help me feel new
i do not think
i have ever been
more grateful
to wake up with
a red stain
on my bedsheets

i could have told you sooner
i made up every excuse
i created scenarios
i made myself afraid
i am not sure what to feel
relief or regret
i could have felt this sooner
coming out of the closet
was the scariest thing
i have ever done
but i do not feel
anymore brave than before
i do feel relieved
i do feel loved
i do feel grateful

when we were together
i only listened to music
i knew you would like
i only wore clothes
that you would like
i only did things
i knew would
would make you happy
and now that there is no we
and i have given you my ribs
to hold you up
i am exposed
but there is nothing left
of me
how long will it take
to find myself
not find myself exactly
but to rebuild myself
into something
that does not revolve around
you

and i have to wonder
if things were ever
really good
or did i wear
rose-colored glasses
whenever you were near
love
can make my vision
so cloudy
my love
made my vision
so cloudy
and now
i am having a hard time
remembering
when
if it was ever
really good

the first time:

when she left me
i took salvation in poetry
i searched for the words
i needed someone else to say
they understood the pain
they understood the love
they understood the loss
they understood the longing
they understood the absolute chaos
i filled my life with poetry
reading it
writing it
listening to it
and to this day
my mind and my pen
crave the comfort
the salvation
the home
i found in poetry


the second time:

when i left her
i searched for forgiveness in poetry
how do i forgive myself
for leaving someone
who hurt me
who used me
who took advantage of me
how do i forgive myself
for knowing i could never love her
and refusing to lie about it
when i left her
we both cried
i resorted back to poetry
the only home i knew
the only home i still know

i wrote everything down
every thought
every voice
every story
i found some of the same poems
with new meanings
i am forever grateful
for the poems
that hold me tight
refusing to ever let go

she would not
say goodbye
instead
she said
see you soon
and for that
i will never be
more grateful

i'm sorry
i've been selfish
sometimes
when i am drowning
in my own thoughts
and sadness and anxiety
i cannot think outside of myself
here is my formal apology
to everyone i have hurt
while i was trying to fix myself
self care is important but
not at the expense of those i love
i am learning how to separate
self care and selfishness
so i am sorry
i know i ****** up
and i know i will **** up again
here is my formal apology
to the people
i love and i hurt

you were there the first time
i saw a shooting star
i remember the moon's glow
your hair, your eyes, your smile
my heart, racing inside my chest
i remember the stones
cold beneath my bare feet
the wind blowing hard
the goosebumps on my arm
i remember not caring at all
i could have been freezing
i'm sure i would not have noticed
i remember smiling so much
my cheeks began to hurt
hearing your heart pound
with my head pressed against your chest
i remember the stars being brighter
than i have ever seen
i remember
darling
how could i forget

i wake up in a panic
body sweating , palms dripping
teeth clenching
heart somehow both tight and racing
you are back
an unwelcome ghost
in a home that is my body
and what i am to do now
when all that is left
is a broken sidewalk
cracked
and repaved with my mistakes

sometimes when i hear your heart beat
it sounds like a siren
and i don’t know whether
i should pull over
or speed away
i am scared of loving too hard
i am scared of not being loved hard enough
i am scared i will never find balance
i’m scared i will always hear a siren
and i will never hear a heart beat