i don't think
it will ever get easier
to sit next to you

i don't think
the pit in my stomach
will ever leave

i don't think
i really know
how to deal with this

i don't think
i have a solution
for this

i don't think
you will ever understand
the depth of the hurt you left me with

i do not have all of the answers
i do not even have all of the questions

i can't sleep
when i miss home
i toss and turn
all night
wishing to be in
my own bed
and when i come
to realize
the home i want
to go to
is no longer there
i cry
hoping i can
cry myself to sleep
but instead
i think about
missing home
and not sleeping

is it wrong
that i want
to kiss
someone else
i don't know
how much longer
i can stand
having you be
the last person
i kissed
because
i will wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
to be able
to kiss you again

i am not ready
to jump into
something new
it is not because
i am scared
of getting hurt
again, no
it is because
i am terrified

you came with a list
questions you needed to ask
and i sat there
and i did my best
to give you what you were looking for
i know that is what i wanted too
someone to listen
and i am amazed
that you cared enough
to write them down
and i thought
maybe that is your own kind of poetry

i just realized
this is the first day
we haven’t talked
in over four months
i am not ready
to not talk to you
and i know you need space
but i don’t know what to do
with all of this space
because the only person
i want to fill it with
is you

i am stuck in a place
of so badly wanting to be happy
and doing nothing about it
it’s not that i don’t want to do anything
i do
but there is something stopping me
from changing anything
because what if
when i try to make it better
i make it worse
and i flip the small switch
that brings me back
to that terrible place
and i let myself get swallowed
over and over again
i am fighting this private war
but the battle has come to a standstill
there are no victories
there is no action
i have to do something

i was finally ready
to go home
finally settled
in the discomfort
of being in the same place
as you

all it takes is one message
and i am taken back
to the first day

i do not want to cry

if my tears were stars
there would already be a whole galaxy
dedicated to you

you do not deserve a galaxy
you barely deserve a star

dear body
i am sorry

i have lost control again
she is not our universe

she has never been our universe
we are a compilation
of stardust and tears and skin and bone

we are enough
i am sorry
i let myself think otherwise

when i told her
i wasn't ready
all i could say
was i'm sorry
when will i stop
having to apologize
for how i'm feeling
the worst part is
i am sorry
i feel guilty
i wish i was ready
for something new
but i'm not
and it is not because
i don't like you
i really do
but i have been hurt
and i am not willing
to do the same to you

and when she told me
"it can only get better from here"
i wanted to call her a liar
i wanted to scream
because no,
it won't always get better
and there will be days
when it feels like
the first day all over again
and days where i do not
even think of her
healing is not linear
progress is not a straight line
and when she told me
"things can only get better"
i understood
that she had never felt heartbreak
she has never has the solid floor
crumble underneath her without a warning
and i wonder
if you ever really heal from heartbreak
or if you just turn it into other things
because how can i ever heal from you
i will never forget about us
that is not to say
i don't think it will get easier
but i wonder if i will ever feel
whole again
without the piece of me
i have given to you

i cannot stop
replaying the
memory
of us
sitting on
my bed
and you
telling me
that you are
in love with me
for the first time
i cannot help
but wonder
if it all
was a lie

you told me you
don't want to talk
about the breakup
and i realized
that you
can think about
things other than
the breakup
how nice it
would be
to be free enough
to talk about
other things

when i told my brother
he said he’s always known
how could he have known
when i did not
i thought i would like that response
i don’t think i know what i want

grandma,
i have a really hard time with change
sometimes i cannot get out of bed
sometimes i cannot stop moving
sometimes my heart feels like a stopwatch
sometimes i beg my heart to stop
i cry a lot
most times i do not know why
sometimes my brain forgets it needs sleep
i stay up all night to ponder the productive things i could be doing
sometimes i sleep for days on end
my body has stopped feeling hungry
there are days where i completely forget to eat
there are days when food is my only comfort
i am very sad
i am very nervous
i am going to be okay
please do not worry, grandma
i am sorry i cannot feel normal
i am sorry sometimes it is too hard to fake happy

i will always admire you
you feel this deep sense of empathy
i have never seen before
you care so much about everything
you feel so deeply and strongly
you always make sure to show me
not only do you care about everything
you care about me
thank you

the word
"ex"
has started
to roll off my tongue
it no longer feels
unnatural in my mouth
and i cannot tell
if i like that feeling

one day
you will find our story
tucked inside of
rough drafts
and final copies
of my poems
i think you will
search for your name
and wonder which poems
are about you
ex love
there are poems
that will hold you tight
poems that are the answer
and poems that you will never know
is it you or a new love
and isn't that the beauty of prose
i am finally free
you will not always find the answer
i do not have to be the answer

i have an obsession with language
particularly the failures of language
because there will never be
enough words to explain
the heartache i feel
upon coming home
and the confusion i feel
about not being happy

when i am away
i would do anything to be here
and when i am here
i do not feel at home
somehow this room is mine
and not mine at the same time

is there a word for
a home that is no longer a home
is there a word for a home that is
a home but it is not mine anymore
is there a word for so badly missing a place
that no longer exists
is there a word for all of this
there should be

so why is it
when language seems to fail me
i feel a sudden urge to write
the irony hits me in the stomach
like the mistakes i cannot stop making

i know that language will always fail me
and yet
i will never stop searching for the words

when you left
i cried
but somehow
when i returned home
i smiled
i felt reassured
you know me
you get me
you understand me
thank you
for being the first person
to read my poetry
and the last person
to make me realize
i am worth something
you mean the world to me
you gave me a home
when i never thought
i would feel at home again
you gave me your hand
and helped me find mine
you were
the first person
to read my poetry
and the last person
i will ever really
say goodbye to

it felt good
to feel wanted
and feel beautiful
and feel good enough
and feel confident
it feels good
for you
to not be
the last person i kissed

i so fondly remember
laying down on the old baseball diamond
wrapped in you arms
cradled by the overgrown grass
rocked by the light breeze
sang to by the crickets
and your voice in my ear
i didn’t know i was failing in love
but i did know
the air felt kind when it brushed my shoulder

my perfectionist hands
will never be able to craft my world
into the utopia i pretended to have
when i also pretended i had you

there has only been
one day
since i’ve been here
that i haven’t cried
and i thought maybe
maybe i would
be able to stop
but today
i crawled into bed
and i felt the same way
but this time
when i started to cry
i felt like
i may never be able to stop

the universe must be testing me
she said
there must be something
so incredible on the horizon
that she could not appreciate
without this
the bad
and maybe the universe is reminding her
that bad things do not only come in threes
that is just another thing
we tell ourselves
to justify the hurt
or the universe is letting her know
she is resilient
that she can withstand this long
of this many bad things
and the universe says
that this may be a strange time
but when is it not
the universe reminds her
she is most true in tragedy
she is most authentic in angst
or maybe the universe
just wants to remind her
it is here
to hold her tight
through all of this
maybe that is all she needs

i never thought
i would be willing
to change myself
to be with another person
but i would have
changed anything
to stay with you
and maybe
that is the problem
when i loved you
i forgot how to love myself
and i can preach self love
without feeling it
but now
i am going to take the time
and yes, i know
it will take time
to love myself
because everyone
deserves a place in this world
and that place
does not belong
inside of another person

i don't know what to say when
i love you doesn't feel like enough
how do i say
i love every part of you
even the parts you hate
especially the parts you hate
how do i say
i don't know if i will ever feel good enough for you
but god will i try
you make me want to be better
how do i say
every time you smile at me
i can feel my heartbeat pound through the speakers
how do i say i love you
when i love you doesn't feel like enough

when coming home
suddenly turns into
going back in time
i do not know what to do
when there is
no where else to go
and i would rather
be anywhere but here

months after the end of everything
i am finally ready to move on
and i am terrified
that i have too much baggage
to ever be loved again
or to ever be loved in the first place

today
i am remembering
that self care
is not all
bubble baths &
face masks &
movie nights &
spa days &
essential oils
self care is
reaching out
when i know
i need help
and i am terrified
of the response
i may face

to my ex girlfriend who
"didn't like jewelry"
but would never stop me
from getting a piercing

you would not tell me
you didn't like my body
instead you would point out
my flaws on other people
and make sure i was listening
"i hate when people pierce their whole ears"
my laugh is stopped
"oh but not you love"
we sit in the silence she creates

she loved me like she was doing an act of service
look! i can love the girl who feels to much
look! i can care about her
look! she needs me
look! i am doing something good

she broke up with me like quitting a job
she never wanted in the first place
impersonal
unapologetic &
fast
a fourteen minute phone call to end a first love

one day
you will realize
you did not love me
love is not a chore
you do not have to pretend
it is not kind to pretend to love
because you think someone needs it
people are not acts of service
you used me
you stole away my first love
i can never have it back
if you can not love every part of someone
do not try to change them
into someone you can love
one day
when you find a real love
all i can hope
is that they do not play love
the way you once did

ex love
i wish you
nothing in excess
not smiles
not sugar
not sunflowers
you do not deserve
to be surrounded
by "a lot"
ever again
you spent
our whole relationship
trying to change me
into something less
you could not love
every part of me
i overwhelmed you
my emotions scared you
when i gave you a lot of love
you could not handle me
maybe you didn't deserve to

she broke up with me
while i sat outside the building
where all but one of my classes are held
how long will it take
for me to see classrooms again
not heart break
not tears
not begging her to stay

i keep asking myself
how could i have ever
dated someone
and loved someone
who treats me so poorly
and i do not have an answer
maybe it is because
you cannot train the heart
or maybe things have not
always been like this
but all i know
is that i
can never love you
the same way again

i am trying
to be happy
it might not look like it
but please, trust me
i am trying
it has not been easy
every breath i take
i try not to fall apart
every time i blink
i try not to see the black hole
i can't help but fall into
so when you tell me
i complain a lot
i have to stop myself
from screaming
you cannot see what it is like for me
you cannot see what i fight against
every day
so when you tell to be happy
trust me
i am trying

the scariest part
is that
if you called me
right now
and asked me
to try again
i would forget everything
i would forgive everything
i would try again

maybe there is something about being back here/ something about this bed that feels more lonely/ that makes me want to call you/ i wish we could start over/ i wish that night never happened/ for both of us not just for me/ because i loved being held by you/ i loved the way you played with my hair/ i loved the way you wanted me and wanted to show me off/ i wish i met you at a different time in my life/ i want to be able to care about you again/ and seeing you in this place/ makes me miss seeing you in my bed/ seeing you on the balcony/ seeing you in class/ seeing you at all/ i know i should not miss you/ i know i should hate you/ i know i should hate that night/ but i don’t/ i can’t/ i remember you holding my hand/ i remember you keeping me up/ i remember the stairs/ the car ride/ i remember these all fondly/ and then i remember that night in my bed/ the dissonance hits me over the head like an empty beer bottle/ smashing and cracking with every move/ and i start to feel it all over again/ i know there should not be this push and pull/ but if i stop now/ i lose the game of tug of war

when everything i asked for
is not enough
to make me happy
maybe there is not an object
to heal a broken soul
i am sorry
i wish there was

first kiss
you left me with
sandy toes and smiling lips
there was no heartbreak here
no regret
this was easy and carefree
thank you

second kiss
you left me
with the word love
hanging on my tongue
and a 14 minute phone call
to tell me
you could no longer love me
that i was not enough
that you wanted different things
you left me without warning
parts of me are still holding on
to pieces and memories of you
i am still upset

third kiss
you made me feel beautiful
when i needed it most
you made me feel wanted
i think in that way
we both used each other
there were no tears to cry
i am grateful

fourth kiss
when mango svedka
tastes more like assault
than it does alcohol
and your laugh
sounds like a sign to run
i am still scared
of the person
that you left me as
i am still trying to cope

fifth kiss
when you asked
if everything was okay
it felt like a gift
and an act of kindness
you were respectful
of my boundaries
when i needed it most
you helped piece me back together

sixth kiss
i kissed you at a party
there was no romance
no memories
no ties
i felt good walking away

seventh kiss
i have not met you yet
i do not have any expectations
i just hope
you do not leave me broken
like the others
and if you do
i will be there
to piece myself together

i write everyone
i love
into poetry
how telling it is
that i do not
do the same
for myself

i get excited
when her name
pops up on my phone
when she texts me first
when she asks me to hangout
how lovely it is
to feel wanted
and to want back

a lot of the time
recently
we don't feel
like an us
you shut me out
when things
get hard
you stop calling
you stop texting
you stop answering
you stop talking
you leave me
and i know
things are hard
but i can't
be the only one
who cares about
us

what did i do
to make you stop loving me
i feel unlovable
i would do anything
change anything
become anything
to be with you
and maybe that's the problem

"what do i have to do to make you care"
is the last text i sent to you
you never answered
what the ****
am i worth to you
i feel hopeless
because maybe there is
nothing
i can do to
make you care anymore

i can’t even write it down
how i’m feeling
sad
scared
hurt
broken
are not quite right
maybe lost
definitely lost
but that’s not it either
one day
i hope to find the words
or to stop the feeling
whatever comes first

what i want to say:
i am not coming because
right now
my body is the enemy
and my mind has chained me
to my bed
i have not felt beautiful
or good enough
in a long time
and all i deserve
is this bed
and all i deserve
is this mind
and all i deserve
is right here
i sure as hell
do not deserve you

what i say:
i'll be there in 5 minutes

i'm not
i'm not
i'm not

good enough

we no longer owe each other
anything except apologies
it took you four months
to bring my things
to our friends house
and four months
for me to even ask
i wish this was easier
i hope only the best for you
use this experience to grow
and i will try to do the same

when i receive
a message
from your mom
i feel helpless
i know you can't
tell her
but i feel like
i can't escape
so i sit here
with a pit
in my stomach
terrified to open
her message
and terrified
to ask you
to tell her
to stop

when i say "i'm tired"
i do not mean
i'm sleepy
i mean
i am completely and utterly exhausted
i mean
that when i think i have nothing left to give the world finds something else to take
i mean
i want to give up, not want exactly but giving up seems almost inevitable at this point
i mean
how do i feel more drained everyday when i thought there was no water left
i mean
i am not okay and i do not want to lie so when you ask me
"how are you doing?"
instead of saying
i'm okay or i'm fine
i say
"i'm tired"

when my old best friend
casually says
"******"
while i sit in the front seat of her car
texting my girlfriend
i feel my stomach flip
i sit
in her car
silent
i do not try to correct her
i try to erase the conversation
we had about queer parents
i try to erase our memories
from when we were children
i try not to hate myself
for being hopeful that one day
she could change
i try to remember
that i am not in the wrong
she is
but i can feel the hatred
burning my skin and
cutting me open
i know that if i take too deep of a breath
i will break down
and i don't know
where to go from here
is it wrong for me to hope
one day she will be better
how do i stop
holding on
and on
to the plans we made as children
to stand up at each others weddings
is it wrong of me
to so badly want
to forgive her