Though thimbles are rigid and heavy and tight
Getting gouged by pins is no delight.  
A finger jabbed enough
Gets calloused, horned, and tough,
But why suffer needless pain from spite?

the sky opens her heart
to let fly the souls of lovers
into the blue of heaven

my mother always tells me i'm too sensitive
her childhood and the experiences throughout her life
shaped her to be tough like weeds growing in a garden
not quite supposed to be there but no matter how hard you try to pull them out
they always find a way to grow back

you see, i'm more like a shard of glass myself
lost in the ocean, a little rough around the edges
but softened with every wave that crashes over me
until nothing but a sliver remains

i come from a line of women who paved their own way into this world
they were born with a fire to survive so bright
it managed to light entire generations up until this point
passed from grandmother, to mother, to daughter, to -
wait a second, it's supposed to be my turn now

i close my eyes and try to visualize
crimson and tangerine flames within me
but find myself greeted with nothing but the black on the back of my eyelids
or is it just coal that i inherited?
dying embers being the specks of light that poke through

in all honesty, i don't think i was ready to be born into this world yet
the doctors told my mom she could not have a natural birth
because i refused to turn myself upside down
inside her womb like i was supposed to

almost like it was my way of telling them, wait -
i need a little longer
where it is warm, where it is safe
where there is still room for me to grow

give me a moment longer to tend to these embers
light them back into the fire that is supposed to be my birthright
that is supposed to run red within my blood

instead i open my eyes and find the greenish blue within my veins
like the salt water that shaped me

no trace of the passionate desire to survive
which leaves me feeling like i am lacking
i thought i was meant to be sharp like them
but i have come to learn that i'm not a sliver of glass
melting into nothingness with each wave that crashes over me

instead i've found that i am the ocean
the black behind my eyelids is the vastness, too deep to see
soft enough to flow through obstacles but solid enough to transform
whatever finds itself within the depths of me

my mother always tell me i'm too sensitive
but that doesn't mean i'm weak
my strength lies in my fluidity
which ebbs and flows like the sea

It took me a long time to realize, that not everything we seek is meant to be our beautiful story.
That, not every person we meet or feel something deep and moving with is meant to make a home within us.
That, not everyone we create a home with is meant to last long with us.

I'm sorry...I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for being too much
I'm sorry for caring too much, loving you with a heart too wide that no one else could.
For putting up with you even when showed me I meant nothing,
I stayed. I still stayed.

I'm sorry for needing more than you could provide
For the intensity, for the words that spill over uncontrolled
For the emotions that soar like kites
I'm sorry for the spaces I tried to feel in, for the constant checkins
For the dreams I built, for the plans that grew way too fast, I'm sorry.

I choose to love you in silence because loving in silence there is no rejection
For you've made me harder to love
I'm often overthinking, fighting endless battles in my mind,
And I...I be the judge of my mind too
So I'll end up forgiving...and forgiving...and forgiving too much

Because I've never been your first and only choice
Never been enough for you
I think I'll be better off without anyone
And that way I'll put my SMILE BACK AGAIN.

As we slowly took off each other's clothes at her place. We felt safe with each other.
As I kissed her neck and slowly kissed her ******* then her stomach, I felt free of the church's purity culture.
I felt free of the heteronormative narrative that bound this society with double standards about beauty.
For in her nakedness, she is beautiful. From her dark blue eyes to her pale, soft skin and freckles.
In our nakedness we were unashamed and safe in each other's arms.

Is my purpose in life,
To only think?
To hear such thoughts
Grow and shrink.
To live
In feeling,
And breathe
In deep.
To walk on legs
That feel so weak.
Though I try
In mind,
To know just why.
To trudge these hills
And reach the skies.

And I know,
Inside,
I will finally find.
The meaning of all,

The meaning of life.