Staring out the window,
Frozen in time
In that one moment
where everything changed.
Innocense and simplicity
surrounding me with love and trust
Frozen in an abyss of memories

Like the surging wwwaves
Of an angry ocean..
My feelings are the same.

Wanting nothing better
Than to be swept away
By one of those waves.

.... And if by chance,
Under a wave I'll plunge
Beneath the sea.....
Clutching onto my last breath, gasping.

Knowing my existence on earth has ended
Trusting the spirit to unite me with the beginning
To answer every question I've ever wondered
Billowing in the wind like a fresh breeze.

Knowing my voice will never be heard again....
Only the brief murmuring that can only be heard...

....above the sea

Your piercing eyes see right through me.
You see no one but yourself.
I will never satisfy you,
But for me, there could be no one else.

We've been through it all;
Although most has been tainted, keeping me down...
I will never leave you,
Through all the resentments and lies, I'm having a breakdown.

I don't know why I love you
I don't know why you don't even care
Even when I thought about leaving you
Consequences too extreme to dare

The best times of my life are over now
I, finally, let you have control over me.
I should have left the night you first hit me
I'm sick and twisted, being alone seemed worst agony.

I made up excuses for you...
My real friends knew all along
They begged me to leave you,
Your constant abuse made me think I wasn't strong.

Now, I've given up on this existence.
I feel hopeless and so alone
Doesn't matter why I still feel love for you.
Almost dying has given me a new backbone.

Your piercing eyes always stared right through me
Blinded by everything else, only yourself to see
I could never satisfy you.
Now I'm putting my energy into something worthwhile....

.... ME!!

MY GARDEN

On a cold winter's day,
I see a reflection of me.
Tears envelop my eyes
When I think of how it used to be....

Days of yesterday seem to float away
The clouds intumescent symbols fill the expanse of the sky
I don't know the solution
I have no reasons why

The roses in my garden-
Have died and wilted away.
I have nothing left in ny little rose garden...
Sorrow and regret, pain of the past, need to live in today.

Gasping for a breath of fresh air without suffocating,
Drowning in so many tears, so much misery and pain..
The dreams I once had, are nightmares and its hard to close my eyes.

I just sit back and listen
To the laughter behind my back
I was too naive to see the lies,
And now I think I feel them coming back.

Bring to me an inner peace,
Where I can find the right way,
I don't feel the changes taking place.
But, I'll say it anyway.

The wind will murmur gossip,
And if you listen carefully...
The love and peace you feel right now...
Vaporizes into nothing, vanishing into eternity.

Pain is.....
Pain is knowing that your feelings aren't returned.
Pain is your love blazing with fire until its burnt.
Pain is the emotion that not many will admit to.
Pain is feeling that can your whole being has been broken in two.

Fear is....
Fear is wondering when the end will come.
Fear is knowing there is more to be done
Fear is a nightmare with no way to wake up
Fear is the fantasy and the reality, thereof

Peace is....
Peace is serenity always at hand.
Peace is the harmony that could be throughout the land.
Peace is a slow, rhythmic beat dancing in the rain.
Peace is something we are yet to gain.

Sometimes I wonder...
If what you say is really true.
All you say time and time again
...Is I love you.

Said once or twice, the meaning is real
But I never knew you lost the ability to feel.
I used to wait in longing to hear you say
Those very words of encouragement and commitment...

Now as they come from your deceitful lips
All i feel is remorse, regret and resentment.
It seems as though, these are just words to you
Conjured up with a heart of stone, disguised in truth.

Have absolutely no meaning,
just simple words to you..
I'm blinded by love and I'm naive
So your lies will satisfy me

I admit that this was once the way to make me stay
I realize, now, this is the coward's way
Promises that once you made and those you will-
Your promises mean nothing, only to keep me with you still.

Sometimes, I wonder as I sit here alone,
If what you say is really true
All you say, time and time again
Makes me wonder why I ever loved you.

The parting of the oceans,
The beating of my restless heart..
Tis all the same in God's eyes, I think.
Another beautiful miracle that no one can explain..

Yet, there will be more..

The afterlife is like a soft breeze
Breathing soft drops of rain on a warm summer's day
No one wants to leave, but the time is up and they must.

... It will all begin again soon.

'Born into a world, where she did not belong,
Her body was crippled, her heart was not strong.

She lay in the bed, surrounded by glass
Her struggle was instant,  but so much had been done, it could not last.

The Doctor and staff had decided to do everything to fight for her life.
Still in recovery, her  procedure was done. and no more battles with that surgical knife.

The child was sick, unlike those all around,
But the doctors were still hopeful that a cure would be found,

Illness enveloped her, she became broken and frail
Everyone held on to the faith and that their  hopes would not fail.

As the child lay lifeless in the emergency bed,
So much sorrow, hard to believe she is really dead.

She will always be remembered for the struggle she made
And on her tiny gravestone, white roses were laid.

Her mother, the addict, feels no remorse....
She will do just about anything to get high with every source.

The crackling fire spits sparks into the night sky
The atmosphere is alive with bright hues of burnt sienna
Lighting your sober face with such pure beauty, that sadness cannot thrive.
As the dawn approaches, our love is more real than anything I've known.

Your eyes, blue as the sky with a hint of a storm cloud approaching.
Your smile is genuine and so sincere, I forget every other lover I've known.
Your physique is so perfectly masculine, every part of my body throbs in anticipation of your touch...............

The first taste of the change in your standard behavior
Left a welt upon my cheek and stung like bee with an addiction to hurt.
Your bitterness eats me alive, when the change of personality occurs....
So much so, I feel buried alive within the ground, slowly suffocating by the dirt thrown into my mouth.

Perfect?  I am certainly far from Jesus and believe me, I do sin.
Its difficult to remain unscathed or without retaliation, Ping-Pong, if you will.
Separation from the pain that scars, is self defense against all I know.
Refusal to be open-minded to the chance you are mistaken stunts the lessons we are to learn from each other.

Beating me into the ground with a shovel..  
Echoes of a tormenting, repetitive thud in a rhythmic balance of treble and bass....
Shakes me from my toes, violently shuddering with anger, sometimes fear.
Sorrow aches within my body from somewhere deep within ..

And as the cycle starts again from sweet to sadistic...
Our hearts break a little more and wicked thoughts invade our purity.
As I lay here alone, I truly wonder if we will be able to withstand our cruelty to each other.

No matter what we want in this relationship of stormy seas...
We can't move on in a healthy direction without some kind of compromise.
No matter how much I love and adore you,
I can't be caged like an endangered species, with wings  that have been clipped for my own protection.

The awareness I possess of my own faults and provocative ways, can't seem to filter through
When intoxication and anger are in control of you, you seem to co-exist with a savage who slowly tortures me.
Your words are like demonic zombies running rampant in a kindergarten yard.
My flesh is being ripped apart as the blurs of a million of them scratch and claw as they furiously circle me and isolate their victim.

As I have declared many times before, I am no innocent.
I do not regard your sensitivity to my crazed, moody outbursts.
So spoiled sometimes, that I forget that my tongue can be the fork that eats you alive.
Used to getting everything I desire, before my mind comprehends the damaging violence....
My requests become demands that poison your view of me,  incinerating any growth we have worked for.

My addiction and your affliction divide us into destructive, savage... yet well-trained soldiers.
As we fight over petty subjects that truly don't need the attention we grant them...  
We both lose a battle we don't even realize is going on within ourselves.
Is it really that important to be right, if it means we are always going to be wrong?   For each other?

Now, as my pen has brought me to see what is the true reality without placing blame...
My question to you : Do you love me enough to see this through, while we both change things that hurt and cause catastrophic damage to a blessing we have been gifted with by God?
I know my love for you is stronger than any bitterness within my heart...

The hours that I have been writing this poem, as I wandered the streets aimlessly and without ever finding any peace
......But can you really truly understand that even when you aren't right by my side, my heart belongs to only you?
Can you absorb the words that coincide with my feelings of loving you, unconditionally??
Can we get through this and get to the other side ?  

I can only imagine how strong our bond will be just over the current obstacle put in our path.  
Only together seeking God's guidance and grace, while we both seek support from each other...
Will we be able to see the beautiful rainbow, God's promise given as a sign,
Patiently awaiting  our self-control, discipline and purity of heart to learn the lessons we must learn and incorporate into our lives.

Forgiveness is key, for I know the blame game is too often, played.
I'm not willing to give up.....
            I've felt the bond between us and I know how rare it is.
We can learn so much if we don't let outside influences win and say goodbye.

I'm tired of running in circles,
Aren't you tired of sleeping in your clothes?
Can we muster the strength to truly begin anew without fear of anger and loss?
Or does it matter to you what the peace and love will have conquered or will you only think of what it has cost?

Shear, pointed razor sharp claws
Digging into me like a fish hook caught on my lip.
....Intentionally, crushing my jaw and my ability to speak.

Always and forever, I will hold on to you like a life raft.
Why?  When your words stab me like a dagger in my heart.
Your tongue like a serpent, seeking revenge and harm to me.

Brilliant, you once were.
Severely handsome and crafty, like a gentleman not of this age.
Now your smile makes me sick.

But here I am and here you are.  
Seemingly stuck without a way out.
You want to get rid of me, and I can't imagine life without you.

I can't even leave the house without some type of consequence.
How can that be right?
I'm not perfect either, but let's be realistic.

It's just a matter of time
Before your memory fades away
It's just a matter of moments,

.....................................Until I'm gone to stay.

I just woke up in the middle of the night
With tremors of a nightmare I can't shake off.
I lived in a western town before technology and before I existed.
I met an indian woman with the gift of sight.
This dream kept me up for the rest of the night.

She had a vision of the grim reaper, which was me.
She said she saw my ashes in the doorway.
She was repulsed by my touch.
Is this truly my destiny?  
Terrified, I think she could really see.

I lay naked and bared my soul.
He laughed, because he couldn't help it.
I cried because it damaged me to the point of weeping.
Is this what love is supposed to be?
I cried and cried because he wouldn't see.

I know my errors and mistakes, I've made.
I know that God is reaching out to me.
I know this poem is repetitive and drone.
But, sometimes when I write, I'm not alone.
And when your past never ends, you turn to stone.

Brilliant light shining among the dark
He holds my hand, he holds my heart.
Walk with me far away from here
I need you close, I want you here.
Tadpoles dance to the moonlight serenade
Watching life evolve, while stars dance and play.
How awesome is his name!
Never wanting our guilt and shame.
Seeking advancement in my spiritual place,
I close my eyes and see your face.
Engulfed within a sea of freedom and grace,
Feeling surreal, eternally grateful for every good memory that stays.
Evil things are no match for peace.
Making all the nightmares cease.
Brilliant diamonds in the sky
Enjoying today instead of asking why.
Treasures in heaven await for me
And in his time, we will finally see.

Tomorrow is today is tomorrow
A never ending saga of emotional turbulence
Breaking through the cloud of judgement and whispers

My feet are aching and in pain me so.
My heart is shattering as we speak.
My love is almost nonexistent.

He looks at me through intoxicated, glazed eyes
Angry again, yelling at me for something I did or didn't do.
I go to my happy place, my self-destructive shelter.

Why?  Why do I do this to myself?
What makes me stay a prisoner within these walls...?
When I am a free spirit that wants to fly with the eagles.

So I did something to myself,
That only I can do.
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.

I had to use that line from a song about pain.
That's my reality today, tomorrow and yesterday.
Forcing my mouth to form words I simply don't mean anymore.

You fell for my tricks and devices.
You were a mark, but it's all turned around.
Now I'm the one in shackles and peering through the window.

Not able to breathe fresh air and make decisions for myself.
The shackles around my feet have cut into my flesh, dripping fresh crimson blood;.
My beautiful smile has been replaced with an angry scowl of sorrow.

I'm crumbling into a million pieces
That will never again fit together.
Something marred and broken, ugly on the inside.

Can't anyone see the signs?
The emotional abuse that causes me to run to danger.
Because it's better than the surreal cause of all my anger.

Lick my wounds,
Salty sweat burning the fresh scars, you have caused.
One day, I keep saying, but it will have to be tomorrow.

In the end
I'll need a friend
But for now, i'll just ask that you forgive me
                               .

.........................................for everything I did when i don't remember anything...

By then, it will be at a point where i cannot take it back
Hopefully, i won't take your words as an attack
Because then, i wasn't in my right mind.

Sure enough, you will say that you will
It won't be fun or a thrill,
Can't you see what i'm saying to you?

Forgive me, please.
I'm on my knees..
Begging God to forgive me for everything

Like me, no you won't at all
It won't be pretty, and you shall
Wonder how it has all came to be

A mark i will see,
It's all meant to be
I never meant to hurt anyone at all.

He bends on one knee
To propose to only me
And it all comes rushing out that he's just been used for one thing.

He stands up to say
I'll never be that way
And leaves in a huff, carrying a grudge to this day.

I'll feel bad, again
Wondering why he felt anything...
And as I walk the other way, I'll feel better about myself.

Searching for the one to fill my void inside,
Telling the truth to the one I must abide
.................................And only God knows me for who I am.

I’m in a blizzard of hate
Reconstructed and postponed to a more convenient date

I feel the LORDS light forever shining
Less stuffy and claustrophobic, supremely comforting

Paradise valleys of fresh fruit eaten at the vine
I keep waiting for that signal or divine sign

Follow me to the meadows and prairies
Seeking shelter and food, relinquishing all I can carry

To the final end, I fear is near
I'm out of breath and trembling in fear.

The horsemen have triumphed in this final hour
Down crashes humanity while standing tall is the Babylon tower.

Though a bit frightened, to be sure
I feel at peace and truly saved, finally surrendering to God's eternal cure.

My pain is like a dripping faucet
abused and mistreated
My overall condition, worsening drip by drip by drip.
Filling up the sink of life and drowning slowly,
agonizingly.

Choices made with haste and without true understanding of the possible result of the bitterness and pain I was causing.
The loss of the only child you carried in your womb, protected and loved by you, tenderly and with intent.
Mistakes so numerous, an exact moment of loss not known.
Immature woman given young child to raise in this world
of temptation, sin and emotional turbulence.......

-SIN OF THE FLESH CHOSEN OVER A GODLY LIFE-

My beautiful boy with a heart full of hope and abundance
damaged with a change of plans in my travels, unfairly and unjust.
Causing his vehicle to careen down an empty highway of bitterness and isolation.
Fortifying walls around his heart full of abundance of trust and love
Now cold and distant from the mother that shielded him from pain with strain and exertion.

My voice beckons him from across the canyon
To PLEASE allow me to make things ok again between us.
But, alas, only the echo of my own voice is rocketing in the distance
Emptiness and hopelessness, I strain to hear anything at all, no emotion allowed to return to me.  Not even an angry voice.
Beating myself with a metal chain, ****** and in complete desperation, standing on piercing nails with ripped off limbs.....

-OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER-  
FOR EVER??  
NO MORE CHANCES.  
FORGOTTEN, WATCHING IN DESPAIR AS HIS LIFE GOES ON WITHOUT ME
SO EASILY, HE MAKES IT APPEAR.

Regret is like an ancient building ruining the value of its neighbors
decrepit and broken down,
Depraved, isolated and abandoned with recklessness.
So ugly on the outside, no one dares try to re-enter the condemnation of the door.
No one believes it can ever be restored to its original beauty and inspiration.

Hopeful and optimistic for a reunion of remembrance and forgiveness.
Determined with purpose, willing to risk looking shamed and unlovable.
No more self-respect because of hasty, decisions and instant gratification.
Still holding my breath.  Could this be the time I call and he finally comes around?
Grasping to clutch, once again, the blessed unconditional love and trust of my only son.

Negligent and selfish, unintentional life choices of a mother
Difficult to completely accept responsibility for injuries sustained by my misjudgment.
Finally, after years of scripture and study,
Understanding the agony and misery
God must have felt to watch Jesus' beaten and prodded,

GOD SACRIFICED HIS ONLY SON
............THE ONLY WAY TO SHIELD US FROM THE UNIMAGINABLE PAIN AND MISERY
OF AN  ETERNITY  IN HELL ALONE AND UNWANTED
FINALLY RENEWED WITH FORGIVENESS!!!
AFTER WE HAD SINNED AGAINST HIM SINCE THE GARDEN OF EDEN FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Almost insane from the self-inflicted abuse,
Survival instincts start to make me want to give up and continue my bad choices to numb the memory of him.
Yet, still begging to have him love me again, even if it was for a single minute.
Dreaming of a loving hug from son to mother in earnest and heartfelt.  Willing to settle ANY emotion at all reciprocated.
Hoping he never makes a mistake that causes such irreparable intensity, empty and unwanted.

After 12 years of comforting and soothing and protection,
Everything lost, no more memory at all of mother needed...
No thought of how important he made me feel at one time.
Only father standing proud in picture next to child
                Lovingly smiling at him with adoration.

He respects him and loves him as much as he condemns and disregards me.
               He only speaks or thinks of me with disdain and total detachment
And.. Only when absolutely unavoidable and by force, it appears.
What kind of hell on earth is this?  
           My own tears drown my hope and regret now defines me with each effort of possible reconciliation that is tossed away like an unwanted thing.  

Drip, drip, drip.
My heart is ripped into a million pieces, by my own hand.  
Never to be needed again
If forgiveness will never be possible, tell me now.
                 Please have mercy, while I grieve the loss of my only son.  Yet he lives.

Why do you want me to hurt
Tell me what made you so cold to me?
Will you blame me forever for the past couple years or
can you remember when you followed me around like a puppy? ?
Is it possible for you to ever forgive me and move on?

The distance you put between us is like mountains.
Don't you understand I'm the only mother you are ever going to have?
Give me a moment of your precious teeanage time and I might surprise you.
I'd rather stab my own heart out and feed it to my enemies than cause you any more discomfort.

I guess all the love in my heart is invisible to you now.
I'm not sure why I still try to see you time after time
You break my heart with your father's feelings and words.
Can't you remember who I really am? What can I do to show you how much I love you?

At the end of your life, you will have made some mistakes.
Will they be as painful as mine seem to have affected you?
Will it even be intentional?  I doubt it.
But I hope your own child never discards you like an old toy....
that gets thrown out with the trash and is never thought of again.

I keep telling myself that I deserve this....

I keep telling myself if I keep trying, you will come around..

I never thought that I would ever have to protect my heart from my own son.

I was stupid and inconsiderate of the possibility my actions would scar your huge heart.

I just don't know how much more pain I can handle in my 38 yrs of life.
Many things, I have brought on myself, I am aware & responsible.
But so many things that were done in anger and hatred have scarred me.
Please don't leave another scar where it can be mended still....

My only request is that you just open your heart and your eyes a sliver.
For me to show you how much I still love you and you love me...
On a Valentines Day, my only wish is that you would show me any kind of feeling, even anger.
But you speak to me when spoken to and refuse to listen to my pleas.
I guess that's what your dad wanted.  He got you to believe his words of hatred of me.

Happy Valentines Day.   I love you.

WHEN IT SEEMS LIKE ALL IS LOST
AND YOU HAVE NOONE ELSE TO COUNT ON, READY TO GIVE IN
ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOMEONE APPEARS
AND IT  CAUSES YOU TO TAKE INVENTORY OF THE  CHARACTER WITHIN

FOR ALL THESE YEARS, I DREAMED OF BEING WITH A REAL PERSON
SOMEONE THAT COULD REALLY ACCEPT ME FOR ME
YOU WERE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT UNSELFISHLY AND LOVING
I HAVE ALWAYS WISHEDTHAT YOUR  LOVE  COULD SET ME FREE

WHILE YOU SLEEP, SOMETIMES I GAZE INTO YOUR SOUL
NOT OFTEN WILL THERE EVER BE
SOMEONE WHO CAN TRULY LOVE AND BE LOVED
ESPECIALLY SOMEONE AS DIFFICULT AS THE LIKES OF ME.

THE DEEPEST EMOTION BURIED FROM A PLACE I'VE NEVER KNOWN
SUDDENLY, I ALL BECOMES SO VERY CLEAR
I'VE BEEN RUNNING FOR SO LONG. WITHOUT AN END IN SIGHT
THAT MY SELF-DECEPTION TURNS FROM COLDNESS TO ABSOLUTE FEAR.

IMAGINING MYSELF IN A TORNADO OF BLISS,
SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT I'D FEEL FOR REAL
NO MORE CONFRONTATION OF AGONY OR PAIN
THIS NEW FEELING OF TRUE LOVE STAYS STRONG, FEELING SO SURREAL.

PASSING THROUGH THE TURBULENCE OF THE PAST
USED TO CONFINE ME IN A STATE OF DISTRUST
BUT, NOW ALL THE PUTRID PAST LIES BEHIND ME
ALONG WITH TRUE PASSION WITH LOVE, CONTAINED BY HEAVENLY LUST

SO HERE ALL LIES RIGHT BEYOND THE NOW
SEEKING OUT TRUTH, NO LIES, NEVER WAVERING FROM REALITY
KISSES AND TOUCH, LOVE BEYOND MY BOUNDERIES
KEEPS ME TRULY HAPPY AND WITH NEVERENDING ECSTACY.

I WRITE THESE WORDS TO MAKE YOU SEE
I''LL BE LOYAL AND TRUE TO YOU
THANKING GOD FOR  EVERYTHING GOD BLESSES ME FOR
I USED TO BE LOST, BUT NOW I AM ONE OF THE CHOSEN FEW.

GOODBYE, I SAY, BUT NEVER DO I LEAVE
YOUR MERE PRESENCE PENETRATES MY SOUL
I FIND MYSELF AGAIN, USED TO NEVER RECOGNZE
FINALLY FILLING THE VOID INSIDE ME, FILLING THE IMAGINARY BLACK HOLD.

THE ONLY THING I CAN'T SEEM TO TAKE AWAY TO BRNG ME PEACE
CRIPPLED BY THE PAST, CAN NO LONGER GO ON
I TRDGE ON IN FAITH OLONE AND BY MSELF
AND THE MEMORIES OF THE PAST FIND THEIR WAY OUT AND FOREVER GONE.

when i say i love you
i mean i adore you
your smile is like a long lost embrace
your voice beckons me from miles away

when i say i love you
i want you to know that you are the only man for me
you are everything i dream about
and every possible blessing ive ever asked for

i couldnt imagune my lufe without you
and i know that my life would be void without your presence
your lips are what i think about most of my day
and you filk my nights with passionate bliss

you are the man i think about marrying one day
even though i told myself i wouldnr do it again
you are a shooting star in the darkness of the galaxy
i thank god for you entering my life every day

Touch me
Feel my skin underneath your fingers, hot breath
Melt into my soul, just for tonight
Amazing how we meld into one, almost close to death.

I'm clinging to you like a life raft
In this waterfall of lust
****** after ******, climbing to the next
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Faithful to our love for eternity
Brought here by unforeseen supernatural force
Lips locked, lobes licked
Panting and wanting more, not knowing the fire source.

Feel me, want me
Never forget me
I will surrender to you
Beyond our human existence and for eternity.

CANT SEEM TO GET THINGS RIGHT
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY
BUT HE THINGS I DO DONT SHOW ANYTHING, BUT PAIN

AT FIRST, I SEEMED ALRIGHT AND YOUR SMILE WAS BRIGHT
LITTLE BY LITTLE, THE APPEARANCE OF JOY SHOWED FALSE
YOU SAW RIGHT THROUGH ME AND IT SCARED YOU.  
I SAW EVERYTHING AS IT WAS HAPPENING, BUT THEN IT WAS TOO LATE.

DON'T YOU SEE I'M DAMAGED GOODS AND YOU CAN'T FIX ME
CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I'LL JUST DESTROY YOU IN THE END..
FOR AFTER ALL, MISERY LOVES COMPANY.
EXCEPT, I'D RATHER NOT HAVE COMPANY THAT FEELS LIKE THIS.

ITS LIKE IN A MOVIE WHERE YOU SEE THE ACTRESS WALK TOWARD HER DEMISE
EVERYONE, BUT HER, KNOWS SHE IS GOING TO DIE
YET, SHE WALKS ON IN TOTAL IGNORANCE
IN TOTAL AND COMPLETE SURREAL STUPIDITY

INSANITY IS LIKE A TINY WORM
EATING AWAY FROM THE INSIDE OUT
YOU KNOW ITS THERE, BUT YOU CAN DO NOTHING TO PREVENT IT.
INSANITY IS MEETING ME AND THINKING YOU CAN CHANGE WHO I'VE BECOME.

SLOWLY, THE PICTURE FINALLY FOCUSES IN ON THE REALITY THAT IS...
BUT, NOW IT'S TOO LATE TO FIGHT.  
I HAVE TO RUN.  I HATE TO CAUSE PAIN.  BUT I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE
SO, THERE IT IS.  YOU KNOW MY SECRET AND YOU PROBABLY WISHED YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN BEFORE.

**** ALL THE ROTTEN, SICK AND TWISTED INDIVIDUALS THAT MADE ME THIS WAY
**** ALL THE SADNESS AND PAIN THAT POURS OUT OF MY SOUL LIKE A TSUNAMI
EATING AWAY MY FLESH, LEAVING EVERLASTING SCARS OF MISERY
**** ALL THE WHIRLWINDS AND DUST DEVILS THAT MAKE MY BRAIN UNABLE TO THINK CLEARLY

SO HERE I AM AND YOU ARE TOO
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT, TOO EXHAUSTED TO CONTINUE MY JOURNEY
TRASH IS A NAME THAT COMES TO MIND WHEN I THINK OF MYSELF
LOVE IS ONLY SOMETHING YOU CAN FEEL WHEN YOU CAN LOVE YOURSELF

THAT ISN'T POSSIBLE FOR ME ANYMORE
TOO MANY MISTAKES HAVE CAUSED ME TO HURT MYSELF AND WANT TO HURT OTHERS
THAT ISN'T THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE, IS IT?
FORGIVE ME, GOD, FOR I CONINUE TO SIN AGAIN AND AGAIN

MAYBE TO NUMB THE PAIN FROM BEING TOUCHED WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO
MAYBE TO NUMB THE AGONY OF FAKE *** ******* THAT BEAT ME DAILY... AND THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY.
MAYBE JUST TO TRY TO SURVIVE IN THIS COLD, TWISTED WORLD THAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS IS NORMAL.
MAYBE, I'LL NEVER GET ANY BETTER AND THIS IS THE BEST IT WILL EVER BE FOR ME/??

I SKIM THE **** FROM MY GLASS WITH A CERAMIC STRAINER
IT BARELY CATCHES THE TOXIC POISON THAT SHOULDN'T BE CONSUMED
I CHANGE THE CHANNEL A MILLION TIMES TO A MILLION DIFFERENT CHANNELS
BUT ALL I SEE IS RACISM, LIES AND THE LATEST GADGET A FAMILY HAS TO BE IN DEBT FOR.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR RACE.... TO OUR PLANET?
IS THIS REALLY THE PLAN THAT GOD DEVISED FOR US?
CAN THERE REALLY BE A PLACE CALLED HEAVEN
AND WILL ALL THE PAINFUL MEMORIES BE ERASED WHEN AND IF WE CROSS OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE?

I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO TO YOU
I'M SORRY THAT OUR PATHS HAVE CROSSED AND YOU HAVE TO ENDURE WHAT I HAVE COME TO KNOW
I HOPE THAT YOUR SCARS AREN'T NEARLY AS DEEP OR EXCRUCIATING AS MINE ARE
I DO LOVE YOU, AS MUCH AS I CAN POSSIBLY LOVE SOMEONE WITHOUT EVER REALLY HAVING SOMEONE TRULY LOVE ME.

When I don't think about the consequences
Of something I have said or done to another...
I try to think of why I felt anger or bitterness was the cause
Or if I felt like being ****** up that day.

I never like to see someone that I love in pain,
But here I go again and again.
It's like being stuck in a trainwreck
Where I can't look away and I can't get out.

Sooner or later, all the people I once called friends
Will separate and wither from my friendship tree
And the only one that I will have to blame for this tradgedy
Is the person with disdain for the human race that lives inside of me.

Like a rat in a cage eating the cheese that isn't filling
Like a Lion in the zoo, seeemingly content, but wishes he was back with his family.
Like the earth that is being destroyed by people just like us, without a second though.
I strive to be like the person that God created me to be.

So, now when I pass a stranger on the street that needs some help,
Or my friend that is constantly making the same mistake over and over..
I'll take out my hand and whisper in their ear-- always will I be here for you.
I'll take the power from the anger and bitterness, making it never again so true.

My head hurts
Oh, how it pains me
Oh, how you pain me with your presence

Cant you see what you are doing to me?
Cant you believe things for yourself?
Why do you let them sway your opinion of me?

Forget that I am here
Forgive me for my faults
Transcend all things like God...  I dare you.

Secretly, plotting revenge within the realm of my existence
Hoping that all things will come to an end
Favoring my thoughts, severing all ties.

Living, dreaming, hoping, breathing
Following my heart once against all odds
Hoping that this will be the time for me, for us.
Maybe after retirement, we will be fishing with our reels and rods!

I’m a tired soul who needs you  more and more everyday
Just to  function , just to remember to believe
You help me be the one I want to be….
I never want to end up back on the streets.

You keep me going when I don’t think I can
You keep me fed and loved , without fail.
I’ll never be able to repay you for your selflessness
And you can find me from my Corona trail…

Live and let live, is my motto, for sure
But the evil ones that lie and deceive try to intervene
I say “**** those people” in my inner heart
I just want our life to be serene.

Can you feel me?’
Can you feel my heart?
Can you understand what I’m thinking right now?
Only your love will break down my walls, you have from the start

I finally feel the need for change
I completely welcome the tales of the past
Tragedy is what makes me who I am.
Seeking the entirety  of  the person I was made to be.

You finally broke through that armor of mine
The entire world looks at me and my decisions with disdain
Infatuation and interest, keeps me confined here
But I don’t know any more lessons to be learned from you.

I have learned some tolerance, patience and kindness
I have been taught to do what is required of me
Seeking the flame to brighten my day, my whole being
Still, waiting and watching to engage myself to thee.

Witchcraft and trickery are used all the time,
It doesn’t make it right or the best of the choices
However, I continue to persist and continue on
My spiritual guide is the only entity’s voices

I plea to thee, for a final chance
In which, to make this right
I am open and willing for another way
Seeking answers through my second sight.

Forgive me if I appear to be out of my mind,
I’m trying to give up on my painful memories, always keeping me down
The stars twinkle in the sky, the clouds keep moving around
Watching, waiting for that musical, whimsical, clarifying sound.

The wind chimes in the garden echo from a distance
Striking me at just the right moment, a moment of chance to be
Feel me at my core, feel me cover you with all of my love
Sell yourself to only me, against all odds, to have a chance to see.

Imprisoned within these walls that I have made
I find it hard to trust another man
But in the end, being alone isn’t the answer
I am doing all I possibly can.

But, I don’t give up and it doesn’t really matter to me
I’ll keep standing up, after getting kicked in the ribs for eternity

Heard the morals
Junk the trend
Finding life in joy
Staying loyal to your friend

Abuse and ignorance
Carries the stench of blood away
Counting senseless judgement calls
Keeping faith at bay

Loop-holed documents
Stretching out the vivid lies
When all the while, in your head
Your conscience weeps sorrowful cries


Fold away a paper hat
For a rainy ******* day
Life is lessons to be learned
That’s all I have to say.

I use my poetry as an expression of my inner self, my being.  I would love it if you could critique my writing to let me know what I am or am not doing write(right).  I recently lost my boyfriend.. he killed himself and am writing to express my emotion,but anything you can help me with would be most appreciated!!

poetlefemme

Captive by fear
Frozen in shock by your death
Missing your guidance
Wondering if you are truly at rest.

Did you get your wings back?
Can you soar in the sky?
You said you were my angel…
So, why did you have to die?

Broken pieces of my empty heart
Forming a puzzle in my soul
Killing me softly, you were right.
This decision has taken its toll.

Somehow frightening, not sure how
I do miss the sparkle in your eyes
I’m so sorry for the pain I caused
We never  got to say goodbye.

Taken by my own illness
Captured by the invisible spirit
Cannot fill this void inside
Capable of nothing, tragic ending

Loathing all that the evil brings
Sickened by the torture inflicted
Forgetting the pain and misery I’ve caused
Fearing that the thing has made me addicted

Conscious deceit turning me into a void
Scratching at the bedpost, secretly captive for eternity
It cant be the end of my life
Now I know that I’ll never really be free.

see me
feel me
take me
reel me

hold me
protect me
think you can change me?

forsake me
challenge me
try me
humor me

betray me
forget me
try to love me
As you turn around, I'm gone.

I love you, always. I need you...forever.
You always find a way to make me smile.
You give my anger its own style.
Forgive me for all I'm not doing right for you.
Fill me up with your peace, love, patience and joy
And I will forever have your essence within me.
Remember that nothing will come close to the love in my heart
My heart and soul fully respecting you in every way