I had been keeping a safe emotional distance from her Since she found out about the cutting, the eating disorders and all the rest of the lies I never really could talk to my mother Especially since she doesn't deal With shattered souls Very gently She yells when she doesn't know how to cope And it just makes it worse Because feelings are not logical And she is more of a logic person But she was in my room Talking to me about our plans for tomorrow Who was picking who up where and when etc. And I had a song playing in the background I listened too hard to the lyrics Memories flashed back And I burst into tears At first she did the whole typical of her: Grow up, get over it, stop being overdramatic and attention seeking thing but when she saw my eyes filled with tears her baby daughter's eyes in so much pain she started crying too and I recoiled at her embrace I didn't want her comfort She was never there for me When I really needed her to be And I am fairly unforgiving About things like that But I had been so alone For so long That year, I had spent full days In black clothes And total silence Not speaking to anyone ever at all because everyone hated me No one wanted to be friends With the girl who keeps getting called To the councillor's office And as this song brought me to tears I couldn't take being alone anymore So I let my mother hold me She whisper through choked sobs: are you really still that sad about everything that happened? And I answered in a hollow voice: Mom. You have no idea...how broken I have been. And she never did. Loneliness Is a scarring type of agony