you've always acted like gravity, trying to keep my feet planted, trying to stop me from floating out because we both know I won't be an angel. but that never mattered to me.

I swore to you I was trying but you always kept me covered; embarrassed by the way I tore myself apart. mother, I was just trying to see the constellations. I was just trying to find something beautiful inside of me. it's so dark in there, I forgot about the blood.

you were always angry that I could never be quite as robotic as you. superficial; that my values didn't fit inside a handbag. I draped my body in black everyday preparing for my funeral.
I'll be dead soon.

I kept waiting for you to say something, to protect me. but you just watched as I ****** evil through a straw with bags under my eyes; as a ****** of crows perched at my bed waiting for me to be brave.

And I'm sorry that you ever had to shake your daughter and tell her to live or get a call from the ER. I'm sorry that I ever blamed you for my shattered reality.

I'm sorry about 2012.