I've been boxing with the pain for the past couple days and nights. I'm so scared, so scared of letting it win. I don't ever want to experience darkness to that depth again. I never fathomed the immensity of my fear until I awoke with its vice grip around my throat, making my vision blur with dots. I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back. The future seems to be a looming monster that feeds off of broken hopes and dreams because it's truly only the past. If time is a flat circle and it just keeps going in loops it's not present, there is no now. Now can't exist because as soon as now is now it's the past and it's gone. Then again maybe it's not because of the one uncountable instant that now seemingly happens and is the present. What exactly do I fear? Is it really the depth of darkness I fell into or do I fear the fear of it because that means I had no control over something in my mind? Do I fear the fact of my self absorption that leads me to admit that I'm powerless against the mechanics and systematic happenings of happening? Why am I so desperate to control the trajectory of my future? Because I know I'm powerless against the will of happening. I'm so desperate to control the uncontrolled and to prove what? To prove what? That I succeeded in bending the trajectory of something I shouldn't have? To prove that I have power? It doesn't work that way yet I will still sit in my stupid box pretending to be afraid of the darkness of which I evolved from, the darkness that I'm a product of. I will sit with a blindfold across my eyes with the stupid idea that my future is something to be controlled by sheer force of will.  Why am I so human? I guess I should say I'm fond of paradoxes.