Before that night, I had never been certain I was going to die.
Obviously, there will be a day when my time on this Earth- in this life- is up
But I thought it was going to be that day in that moment on that drug with those people in that house.
Hyperventilating.
Rocking my torso up and down,
staring at the wooden floor
wishing it would solidify again.
Hoping those .3 grams would just,
for god's sake
for my sake
evacuate my body before I exploded into smithereens.
In ten seconds the surrounding scenery had completely unraveled.
And it formed light worms, multicolored beams,
weaving pastels, waves of insanity
utter insanity before my eyes. No.
In my eyes.
I thought:
can I handle this much at once?
will I die?
will I die here?
Such thoughts were cut short
as my mind and body
at once
accepted the drug.
I let it in.
All throughout my skin, pores, limbs.
I breathed in as deeply as I could
and told myself
accept.
He's screaming in the bathroom OHMYGODOHMYGOD
With the music swinging me back and forth
hard against the wood, I am one with it.
He's remarking
I've never felt this way I've never experienced this high this this this this
This is ecstasy.
And it was.
Marvelous synthetic ecstasy which I craved.
All cravings fed
and released and fed again.
emptied of what little serotonin I had left.
Still I questioned the same waking thoughts
A wary weakling. with an eating disorder and a bad case of self destruction.
They spoke in a verbose and beautiful language
they threw their words and souls at each other.
I hovered and rolled and hoped there wouldn't be days like this to remember.