Too soon came the loss
Of those brave hearts

Pulsing in the holy brain
Compassion unmatched

Pounding on heavens door
We demand

Why does death come
To those who dare ask

Snap
A broken human

Bent too far
And snapped

icantdiscernherfromhermotherortherollinghillsnorthofsalt­lakecity

He told me I ******
Like a Woman

I was 16

I may go quietly from this world-
Swiftly, without protest
Or I may rage and burn
Like we think we should
I may become someone before it’s done
Someone whom the world loves and somehow isolates with that love
Maybe be remembered by that love
Or I could be taken out like a spider in a bathtub
Drowned unceremoniously
By something much larger than me
And be forgotten by the time the water heats
And hits the porcelain

As thoughts of death come careening through my mind,
I say yes
As fear pulses through my every atom,
I say yes
Take me when you will,
Grim Reaper
Hit me with the worst of life,
Dear god
Don’t spare me or protect me
Why start now?

I went on a walk today
I took a different route than I usually take
Snaked through parts of my past i usually avoid
For the sorrow or the nostalgia they bring me
Past the elementary school I went to in the 4th grade
Where i made friends with bullies and wore sparkly shoes
Past the house i nannied in for probably a week before i disappeared back into the bottle
And, by accident, really, past the house i later had my first one night stand
But it wasn’t there
It had been demolished and in its place lay a field of snow with a sign announcing a new building project
I was struck with a surprising delight
The idea that part of my past was literally bulldozed felt miraculous
It occurred to me for seemingly the first time
That things really do change
Things leave and new things take their place
As sedentary as my life has become
It’s hard to believe that anything takes on a new form
Across the street from the empty lot is Liberty Park
A park i’ve avoided like the plague for the past few years
I can hardly stand to look at it
But after seeing the remnants of my drunken hookup destroyed
I felt compelled to step onto the park’s outskirts
A flashback of walking with my ****** to get smokes came
And i stood as i watched myself slink along the grass with him
I saw the way she couldn’t breathe and couldn’t think
And i hugged her and she stepped inside of my body
And we walked
Then sprinted up the path
Saying goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

I don’t want to take your suffering from you.
I want to help you suffer. Greatly. Daringly.
Suffer with all of your might- your whole being.
Let hellfire be your furnace.
Your particular brand of suffering is a complete ecosystem.
Befriend the little demons.

I feel your sweet soul
Moving in and out of your body
Like a pendulum clock
Between the world of living and dying
You hide
Between your body
And eternity
The door ever-open
You are never really here with us
Out of the corner of your eye
You gaze at the flame
Breathless

somewhere inside
is eternal peace
outside of time
I am released

memories serve
a singular beast
who doesn't deserve
to come to the feast

Joy is always joy but oh do I relish in that feeling after having suffered so
Sadness is always sadness but oh how familiar it has become
I know sadness like it’s my home
I know joy like a distant lover who only comes to visit when the moon is full
I know the moon like I know my family
And I’ve whispered to her
A thousand secrets
I will whisper to her until my voice is buried in the earth
Humming and warming souls who lay upon the grass

Bees mistake me for a flower
When I sit on the back lawn in my bright pink robe
They find me
Stuck in the summer of 2016
And wander off

Stolen from one darkness
And held in another

Escape


And feel the horror of love


Escape

I don’t be here
Cause when I am
It’s like I’m new here
And my pain surprises me
Wakes me up
From nightmare to nightmare

I go somewhere
In my thoughts I’m lost
The comfortable kind
A drive with no destination
Coloring out of the lines
It’s easier that way
Don’t make me stay

I have rage inside of me
It comes out on my family
But mostly on myself
This constant bickering with
Me and mine

I want to give it all up sometimes

It’s as if I’m always floating
Between me and the air
Debating where is best to be
What thoughts I owe to the moment

I have guilt for the years I lost
And I have habits that I don’t
Even see most of the time
I want to scream most of the time

I keep trying to remind myself that
It’s not so serious
It’s all okay
And it all works out how it should
But that doesn’t match
The depth of what I’m feeling
It feels pretty ******* serious to me

I left myself deliberately last week
Traveled to the past and hopped on the train of
Ambivalence
Abuse
In some ways it was preferable
I know how to be abused
I know where to go and what to say
I know how to hold my body
What posture is correct

I don’t know about this other ****
This moving on
This feeling
This allowing
Accepting
My thoughts are a haven from the world of pain in my whole body
My consciousness feels tainted
My soul feels weak

I’m so sick of battling
I want to be free and the only way out is in
I know it is
And my fighting it is only making matters worse
I don’t know how not to though
I don’t know how to exist without losing myself
I don’t know how to love without becoming the other person
I don’t know how to breathe without wilting on the exhale

Thank god for now
The tranquility of what is
Has saved me from what was

There’s a winter inside of me
A wild life
Is hidden beneath the snowfall

Uncover the fossilized heart
It looks like cherry wood, my blood candied sweet
Uncover the womb
Still somehow warm, my eggs floating in shining amber

All is frozen in time

Why is the sun shining on him?
Why are we under the same stars?
When did I become a woman?

Aged are my thoughts and fears
Aged am I
By the cold place I found safety

I am a mother to my pain
I have captured those unbearable moments
In a frost only I can melt
To withstand the elements of life

A mother knows her children will grow
A mother knows she must let go

I have dug wells of sorrow from which I sip and bathe
It is done
I say it is done!
In the Spring it is done and done again
I am sorry to you, Summer Noon
I feel your missed blessing hung from a chain on my past and I never let you rise to greet me, not once
I see you shaded and blurred
HOT above me just wanting to love me.
I recall the links I kept adding on  and on to keep you from me
I wanted to let go of you-
Unmovable Bright beaming God! And I couldn't so each link was a whispering clink and cinch
Chained up to your unmovable bliss.
My words are a prayer.
That I may let go and
Warm my soul on the Summer's Solstice
That I may rise with the sun as my guide
That I may melt the coldly chained past into a silvery gem which I will keep in my heart as sacred.
And when the sun sets each day, the moon may shine on my silvery gem and charge it with wonder
And remind me that nothing is lost,
It is only transformed.
Each moment is still and kind.
All is one
All is one

Some lust after, some fear
some don't consider the inevitable and the unclear

I can't surrender to an existence so mere
without questioning life on this sphere

I want to make love to you over and over
And let the stars cover our backs
As the sky falls into morning

I shall quiet the cries
living in the back of my mind
and halt their attempts to skew and redefine
what it means to feel joy..

Joy? What's all this talk about joy?
What is this polarized dialogue
between what I feel and what I think
and what I think I feel?
                                      
                                      I am life, is that enough?
                                      I am cold, should I be worried?
                                      I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry for what I've put you through. I am sorry for my foolish dwellings where I chose to reside.
Could have burned them down
Could have drowned it out
Instead I chose to ache for you and wait for you
to make me change.

I can't move forward
Considering where I've been
Gravity suspends

Dust in the empty portal
Dust in the window seal

Dead flies
decorate
the dark.

Absent.

Where is he?
Absent.

Oh, starling, how are you doing tonight?

Run away to Boston,
gonna find my future there.
Run away to Boston.
With all my heart, it's yours to bare.

We're running away to Boston
and reaping what we've sewn.
We've run away to Boston.
Onwards, eastwards we have grown.

The skeleton-
made entirely out of bubbles
feels more alive than me.

And the droplets clinging to my leg
brought me to tears.

Sitting in a tub
full of water molecules
My toes dance and I rejoice!
I have the chance to live among them.

Its never too late to get acquainted.

And even these battles
I have with my very
own skin are appreciated.

Every intricate thing that
holds me together
is holding on much tighter,
giving me a chance to rest.
.

Next to the daisy's of my perception
grows rows of sunflowers.
(A field of my imagination)
Nearby, I did pick some roses by the stems.
They build on that wall I put up at times.
If I pluck a few daffodils, maybe they'll replace
that sadness with laughter.

The storm will keep me
in good company instead
also more coffee

Days are best with rain
and when you aren't around,
I prefer a storm

I know it probably wasn't right
the way the stars weren't out tonight.
But there's something about the vast, empty sky-
inhaling so freely. Endless supply.
Peering out in the infinite space
and feeling terribly small in a cosmically large place.

And I've walked this earth, dug my toes in the ground.
Oh, you wouldn't believe all the wonders I've found.
There is beauty that words could never describe.
Within all things; there is love inside.

I do wish I kept all the tears I have shed
they truly could capture the emotions that fled.

The lines on my hands are dotted,
and I’m waiting in vain to fill the space with some clarity.

I see a level head, yet my heart line looks faulty and untrusting.
Criss-crosses are etched into the line of my life.
Weaving themselves outward, they touch each aspect of my being-
Representing deep waters from out of the blue; which subsequently alters
until I’m submerged in wisdom.

Although my hands are a gift in the way of my future,
I’m stuck in this present moment- wandering.
I try to listen but fear that I won't hear is trapped in my ears.
I look to my treading feet...
they won’t speak.

In the silence of myself i’ll find truth that not even time will tell.
Seek answers within, search no longer.
In, out.
My breath, eloquent in all its simplicity,
gives me a map of the wind’s movement, the earth’s energy
and my soul’s path.