I Don't Have The Heart

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A  shower cooled us last night,
this morning is kind of drought-y.
one of those dry spell days.
everything is awry, misplaced,
displaced, or has to be replaced,
all sorts of problems, deadlines overwhelm me.

There are no developments or
movements outside to notice...
everything is still,
the leaves are motionless,
not even a whiff of a wind
to make the chimes move.
no colorful flowers, not even a bird in sight.
i am thinking the trees are bare,
the front garden is a desert.

Nobody wants to sit on the steel-hot garden seats
the rocking chair is like a statue
everything else is frozen....
except the hot, steaming temperature today.
nobody wants to sit on the steel-hot garden seats,
because i told everyone to leave me alone for a while...
because i couldn't let them see i was going through hell.

How do i free myself from this band
that confines every movement
of body and mind...
from being riveted to the chair where i sit?

I crossed my leg, swung it up and down
somebody almost got kicked...suddenly
small hands wrap my shoulders...
a small head rests on my chest,
as one thin thigh slowly lands on my lap...
i feel a warm breath on my left cheek,
a soft, gentle voice comes through my left ear:
"Hug, mama Sal...."
I don't have the heart
to ignore, or refuse a request from an angel,
my youngest granddaughter, Elisha Mae.....
her innocent eyes almost level with mine...

I hugged her back, planted kisses on top of her head
hummed softly and cradled her...
this lasted longer than expected
i had thought she was already asleep...
but my angel's attention was caught
by her sisters' shrieking, out in the garden...
angel ******, in a jiffy, my lap was empty
she joined her sisters, shouted with them,
swimming, having fun in their big vinyl pool...

I watched them from where I sat,
experiencing a different kind of joy,
as i listened to their voices, to the
splashing of water and all their other noises.
they will all calm down in a while, i expect...

The heavy feeling comes back, i realize,
the weighty anvil still exists
dimming the clarity, the flow...
here i am now, still struggling
with thoughts and words
misplaced
displaced, and those that must be
replaced...
i see no progress, there are still deadlines,
i am nowhere near restful waters...

But, i eagerly wait for this day,
this weighty dry spell day to pass...
this time, without shame, i shall  ask
reassuring hugs from my angel,
like a child, i shall tell her how
her warm, refreshing hugs could heal me, and
how i dread the thought of falling, sinking deeper,
down the sleepy waters of this River Lull.

Sally

Copyright 2014
Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan

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