And so it's over
we, who set each other alight
who had the potential to fulfil
one another's deepest needs
we can't even be friends

So it's time to weigh
it all in the balance
to see if the positives we take away
make all that pain worthwhile
I can speak only for me
what you've gained and lost
I cannot tell
but there's so much for which
my thanks are due

The penny was dropping anyway
but loving you tipped the scales
for the first time I had a love
who didn't reinforce
the pretence of being male
a love who could give her love
to the real me
and if she could accept me
then I could accept me too

Thanks are due too
for giving me reason
to question my diet
to notice that wheat
has unwanted effects
for nudging me to face up
to needing work on my fitness
for the rediscovery
that a workout's enjoyable
for helping me listen
with a different ear
to some music
to realise that rap
isn't just crap
and now Kylie reminds me
that all the lovers
who've gone before
don't compare to you
and how could they?

Then there's the acceptance
that things that happened
when I was young
count as abuse
though at first
my knowing about you
had the opposite effect
the same effect
hearing others disclose had
that mine, in comparison
paled into insignificance
something I dare not mention
for fear I'd be called out
named a pathetic drama queen
so I silenced myself
self censored and shut up
but now I can think about it
and break the denial

And with time I'm letting go
more than I could before
because it's always been hopeless
when the love of your life
belongs to another
and consummation is no option
you learn to take the pain
of knowing it can never be
yet there's still cause
to mourn a love
that never really was
that never could have been

Some questions are unanswered
and perhaps always will be so
those needs you said you must express
are they gone or just repressed?
buried under work success
and gym exertion done alone
and keeping harmony at home
or did you find another outlet?
someone else with whom to roam
or is the harmony for real?
and you've worked your issues through
found your love for her is true
that you don't need the other stuff
that I could give to lift you up
to give you wings
to make you sing
Or is it, with Kylie again
Better the devil you know?
rather than one who's twice your age
and of dodgy gender history

But whatever becomes
I'll still love you
until the end of time
and who can tell
maybe next time round
in some life to come
we'll get to make it rhyme

Cynthia Pauline Jones, March 2013