sometimes the memories
hang like a noose around my neck
everything i have done
and all that i haven't said
all the times i held back

silenced my mind
told myself there’s no way out
there’s no other option
but to endure the pain

every time i pretended i was fine
smiling while tears ran down my eyes
feeling weak, turned into something
i cannot recognize

i try to pull away
only to find myself back
in those same suffocating hands

because even the suffering was worth it
because even though you
made my life a living hell
i couldn’t remember
what it was like before you

i thought i was saved
only to realize i’m trapped,
buried six feet under the weight
of all that ever happened

i thought i was finally found, seen and heard
for once i thought i was loved, for who i am
yet all everyone sees is what i show
my appearance and how much
i can bend to be the version
of me in their heads

until i woke up from the nightmare
and dragged myself out of the hole
setting myself free meant
shattering every belief
every illusion, every pattern
every bad habit
and facing where it all
began and how

my self-worth became
the thing i needed to prove most
by sacrificing and throwing me into the flames
my unhealthy attachment and fear of abandonment
kept me in places i wasn’t respected,
valued nor treated like a human being
but a fulfilling object

i shrank until i lost
every part of myself
that i called my own
i disappeared into myself
and became someone
i didn’t know

and i’m still trying to
remember who i once was
yet i think i can only be
who i’m supposed to become

one that has learnt so much
that didn’t just survive
but grew from it all
never someone who settles
for less than what she deserves

a version that knows
that only those
who are truly worthy
can walk by her side
and are deserving of
holding her heart.